I'm chillin in my warm bed writtin this on my blackberry. I usually think of most of my shit while I'm on my bed rockin da berry. So bitch, BlackBerry should fucking be payin ME to write these blogs or at least gimme a blackberry for free! Shit, I might as well go up to canada (where RIM is located) and the convo with corp. cat would go like the following:
Me: cmon man hook me up!!
CEO: hook u up? Fuck outta here!
Me: man, I got these blogs mayn! Good blogs!
CEO: I got REAL writers for that, so if u aint a professional wit experience then u assed out!
Me: then fuck u bruh, is it cuz I fucked your wife!?
CEO: fuck u just said!?
Me: *gun at guys head* you heard me, and I ate her asshole out like a box of gadiva chocolates! Her shit tasted like a fuckin king size kit kat!! Oh and by the way I broke her off a piece of dat....piece of dat dick! Now gimme dat prototype BlackBerry Storm 3 that u got in your pocket son! Thanks!
Alright let's get this blog poppin faster then a virgin fucking on prom night! So this blog is gunna be the night before the superbowl and the day of the superbowl. You know, that weekend u don't remember much cuz you're more trashed then a drunk gremlin! Yeah so its Saturday night and I wasn't really expecting to go out cuz I was chillin in my room killing 5 year olds in Call of Duty. I get all hyped I'm cap'n these fuckers left n right, then at the end of the game I hear their voices and then I get the feeling of disappointment...like when u get a blow job from a chic when your drunk, then afterwards she's like "yea so I'm really a dude" you just don't know what to say. Maybe in both situations you could say "yeah, you sucked". Anyhow I get a knock on my door "hey!! Stop playin your game and come here". I hope she's not gunna tell me she has aids! She tells me to get dressed cuz we were gunna go out to a bar with a few of her friends. I'm like yes!! I can meet her friends! (Please make yourself aware of this part) Awesomeness! So I jumped out my chair faster then if black people were to find out a place is giving away FREE chicken wings n orange soda. I got all dressed up and put on some of the finest fragrance...AXE Body Spray, for MEN! (Funny they call it "for men" because I would have definitely thought that a body spray in a black bottle located in the mens area was SURLY for woman. Thanks for clearing that up, AXE) Now I'm pumped up and ready to head out the door. I asked where we were going, and again some fuck hole place I never heard of. So we get in her whip and I asked who all is gunna be there. The next few names she said, agreed with me about the same as if someone told me I was going to a Clay Aiken concert. She gave me 3 GUY names!!! At this point I think I would rather be FUCKED by clay aiken back stage while jerking off Carrot Top!! There go my chances of meeting female ass!! Of CORSE she has only has guy friends, cuz she's a fucking crazy whore that would fuck a leprechaun with a 3" green cock! Oh yeah if you don't live in FL, bars don't sit by themselves in an area, they are in shopping center complexes, so after u get your food shopping done and get a hair cut, u can walk next door and pick up a slore at the bar! This concept always blew my mind when I moved here. They should sorta combine the two...a barber shop and a strip club...like while your getting a haircut, have the barber make u a drink, then have a broad come up and give u a lap dance! The fuck else u gotta do when getting your haircut! Nothin! So u might as well get yur dick hard, and have a drink! Plus the barber gets a better tip cuz he made u a drink, the topless broad gets washingtons....and u getting a haircut and your dick hard!! Its a WIN, WIN, WIN scenario!!! Best idea ever! Hey, if I see one of these pop up in the next year, I'm huntin YOU down sir!! Ok back to my story. We walk inside the bar, and I actually thought we just walked into a small pizzeria. I wanted to ask the bartender for an italian sub! There was booth tables like u would see at a McDonalds, or small eatery. So imagine a place like that packed to fuck with ppl sitting and standing. Yeah so she finds her guy friends and asks me what pitcher of beer I wanted. They didn't have yuengling for some reason, so I drank the anal liquid from a beavers ass called "bud light" after drinking only one, I'm like fuck this ass water! Went up to the bar tender and got a long island double. We sat down at the small bar on the reverse side of the real bar. I pretty much kept quite since I had no fuckin clue who these clowns were. Did I mention they had karaoke there? No? Well I was in for a big fuck in the face sideways with what I was about to hear. This nasty fat ugly troll whore gets on stage and starts signing the WORST rendition of Alanis Morrissettes "You Outta Know" (if that song wasn't bad enough to begin with) imagine Chewbacca trying to sing...yeah that's what I was witnessing. I was hoping there was forks/silverware present so I could jam them as hard as I could in my ears til I bled to death internally. Thank fuck no one sang after that! I think everyone was too busy vomiting and clearing the shit stains out of their ears. Shortly after that we all left because her friend wanted to find this bartender. her GUY friend wanted to find a GUY bar tender! I'm like ummmm okay!!??? So we left and went down the street to the next place. Apparently this guy bartender hooks him up. I don't know maybe a quicky or a blow job in the back!? Well whatever I couldn't care less. So we get inside and i told the LADY bar tender "1 long island please" I tunred my back as she made it, then turned back around and saw a BLUE drink in front of me. She's like "there u go" I picked up the glass and said "hey lady, did a smurf CUM in my glass!?? The fuck is this!?" I kid u not that's what I said cuz I was kinda tipsy. Broad looks at me confused "u ordered a blue long island" I'm like "uhhhhhhhhh no I didn't, I said ONE long island" then she's like ill make u another one if u want...I told her na don't worry about it....so I took the glass over with me to where everyone was sitting outside. Yeah I looked reaallly gay walkin around with a fucking BLUE drink!! Red flag to all woman "heeeeeeeyyyyy look at me, I'm sthooper gay!" At any rate I started shooting the shit and drinking this drink and i ordered another REGULAR long island. I got kinda fucked up cuz I don't remember anything, I think I almost past out in robyn's car. BTW, this other one guy was in her car too, and he spent the night. I came home and ASSED out on my bed. I woke up like fucking 12pm to a text "wake the fuck up man, its superbowl sunday!!" By Robyn. My head felt like it was shoved up a pigs ass while it got run over by a tank. I took a sip of ib profin (meaning however many pills came out the bottle is what I took) This is where my story ends. Nothing happened on superbowl sunday, went to her friends house, I got semi drunk and passed out on the dudes couch for the game. But I did want to point out one scenario during that time....here is that short short story:
I had like 3 drinks of rum n coke n had to take a piss. I asked the dude where his bathroom was, and he's like "right down the hallway". I walked into the dudes bathroom and noticed his toilet was BLUE!! Im like uhhhh...okay? Never seen this before. Took my piss flushed the toilet, then washed my hands and noticed he didn't have any soap..I look around...and there was a big plastic see thru box with pink liquid soap in it hanging on the wall!! Just like in a public bathroom! Get the fuck outta here..I step back, and the dude also has the paper towel bin hanging on the wall as well!!! So I washed my hands and dried my them, like I would ina public bathroom. So now I'm thinkin y doesn't he just get a urinal installed! All he needs now is the homeless man in there handing out paper towels, mints, and cologne! I went back out and was like "uhhh..so yeh...what's with the soap dispenser and paper towel dispenser dude!?!" Get ready....3...2...1 "oh yeah that, hah, I wanted my bathroom to look like an authentic place just like a bar...I also have the neon beer sign there too see?" So I just gave him the Jim Halpert blank stare. And was like "interesting to say the least" Why the HELL would ANYONE wanna do that?!! fucking dumbest thing i ever saw in my life! Thats like having a shitty 13" TV, a 1985 telephone, a coffee maker, a bible and a mini fridge in your personal ROOM to look like a shitty motel room! WTF cmon SERIOUSLY!?
Another interesting event occurred the other night. Ill add it in now what the fuck! So this slore comes home with a guy a few nights ago. It was like 130am.
I could tell she was tispy or drunk cuz the way she was laughing. I was in my room minding my bidniss. I never left my room nor did I see who he was and I really didn't care either. I was watching a movie w head phones so I didn't want to over hear anything..... if u know what I mean! I hear a bunch of thunking and voices...I take off my headphones...and I hear the broad say "so r we gunna have sex!?" Wow the second I take off my headphones! Awesome timing...uh..no not really...I was being sarcastic! I'm like awwww fuck. But some part of me at that point just wanted to walk out and just say without introducing myself "ahhhh alrighty so when are getting this 3-way started" just to FUCK with who ever that cat was!! But I didnt so I put my headset back on cuz I'm not a sick fuck who would want to listen to someone else fucking..especially THIS broad!!! Then as time goes by I hear "I want your COCK slammed in my shitter you dirty fuck!!! I want u to literally FUCK THE SHIT out of me!!!" ....................actually that woulda been nastyand funny as hell at the same time if I actually heard that! But no I didn't hear anything...props to SONY for the noise canceling headset I was rocking! One last thing should be noted before I bounce...I went into this broads room when she was at work, and get ready for this....no lie...next to her night stand by her bed....was a fucking WRENCH!!!! What in the WHORE was she using the wrench for!!??? Did this guy like getting his nuts viced? Does she masterbate with it!? I know, she shoved one end in her twat and the other end in the guys asshole and they double fucked each other! Yeah I wasn't gunna touch that shit cuz I would prolly get gonorrhea from just touching it...christ I may get OXY-AIDS ! What's OXY-AIDS? That's when u find out u have aids by just breathing the oxygen in the presents of another person who does have aids, then u die 2 weeks later!
That will to it for this edition of my blog..stay tuned next week ill have mo, Fo sho'! And here is your moment of ZEN:
Me: you have off work tomorrow right?
Robyn: heeeellll yeah!! Getting drunk and fuuuuucked up!!!
Me: (thinking to myself) wow umm so where can I point this broad in the direction of (CABAA, no not the blood code for mortal kombat on sega) Crazy Ass Broads for Alcoholics Anonymous!?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Leather Vest
Ok so id like to thank the cats who have been keepin up with my blog for the past few weeks. This blog is going to be about this one night i went out. IVe been saving this one up mainly cuz i didnt know how to put this shit into words. But i think im ready to post a new BLOG.....oh oh...if your at work READING this....u might want to read this via your celly phone. The stuff here is PRETTY explicit, as you already know.
OK so lets start off a week before the superbowl, since i couldnt give 3 Ron Jeremy COCKS about football or even the Superbowl. So me and Robyn went to some ASSHOLE in the wall of a bar. It was like 10pm and we where both just sittin around watching TV..and i was prolly gunna pass out like "The Guy on the Couch" in the movie Half Baked. Then outta nowhere she is like "hey lets go out and do something". Im PRETTY sure it was a fucking thursday or wednesday, i forget...but it was a random fucking night. I look at my watch...and was like "well, lets go to a place that doesnt have POOL tables that Washington and Jefferson played on to settle score between two hookers they ordered." So shes like well we can go to this place called "SportsTown" they have good tables there. Again I dont know this area of orlando too well, so i was down for whatever. I should have done research on bars before moving here, because THIS place....was...well..i dont wanna spoil the fun. Before we left we took a "shot" of Jager. i poured them, so it was REALLY like TWO shots into a small glass. shes like "jesus christ thats more then a shot" im like "BITCH, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and DOWN the shit LIKE YOU DOWNED MY COCK, u SLORE!" .....nah i didnt say that...but i just told her to shut up and down it. So when we get there, she walks in first, and im looking at this place....im thinkin to myself...WOW a RETRO BAR...1985 came in and made a BAR! (should be noted this WASNT a retro bar) oh i must point out there was one BLACK guy there. Im like phew...i can fit in now. We walked to the bar and the tender asked me what i wanted. I shit u not cat gives me a MENU....OF FUCKING BEER! I wasnt feelin beer so i was like "yeah lemme get a Long island" dude looks at me like i raped his mother witha wrench. "YEAAAAHHHHHHHH......so we dont serve liquor here, only BEER!" Then my JAW dropped like HE just got done raping MY mother....with a BASEBALL BAT! i had to collect myself of this asinine shit. Let me just point this out better.....thats like walking into ATT and wanting a cell phone....then the sales rep says "yeah so THIS store only has Pagers" WHo the FUCK wants THAT SHIT?!!?! u go to a BAR to get FUCKED UP! i dont wanna drink BEER at a goddamn BAR cuz i dont get DRUNK off it! Well jokes on me cuz my ass was more fucked outta luck then Ja Rules rap career. So my Beer of choice all night was yuengling and Heineken. I told the tender "ill have a Heineken"....again...i dont know WHERE these FUCKS get thier BAR tending licenses...guys like "bottled?" uhhhh.....im PREEEETY sure an IMPORT beer isnt on TAP...so im like "oh u got it on tap?!" then this fuck is like "uhh no just bottled" ...............THE FUCK!!!!!!! are u KIDDING ME?!!? Then why the ASS would u fucking ASK me if i wanted it BOTTLED when u dont have it on tap u DUMB STUPID ASS FUCK!? So we get the balls and play for a while. The tables where actually decent. They looked like maybe the last people to play was Obama and Clinton over which fat white chick they wanted to fuck first. Like everyone drinking beer u gotta take a piss....but i couldnt find the restroom. I asked the bartender "its right there on the right where u came in" i look at the door "BOYS" well i hope they didnt let Michael Jackson here...(aww cmon too soon?!) I walk into this "facility" im like WOW...ok lets say it looked like your buddys bathroom in his shitty apt. if his SHOWER where a STALL, and his toilet was a PISSER! I was really debating to just piss on the floor, or maybe the sink...but yeah there was no lock on the door. BTW the door looked like an over sized saloon door. it should also be noted that there WAS NO FUCKING SOAP NOR TOWELS! I hope the bar tender doesnt take a piss or a shit! After playin pool there was a SKEE BALL machine there....hmm maybe they DID make this place for michael jackson...80s lookin, mens room says "boys" skee ball....maybe i should have asked for "Jesus Juice" Im like WOWW i havent played skeeball since....Show Biz Pizza! yeah THATS right..SHOW BIZ PIZZA! the machine even gave tickets. im like tickets? i didnt see a PRIZE area! i whooped her ass in skeeball and i HAVENT PLAYED since i was like 8! i got like 10 tickets, so i asked her what we needs these for? shes like "well put your phone number on the back and they put u into a drawing where u can win $50 to $100 if they call you up" i couldnt care less really. by now its like 145am and i was gunna get the tab, so we went over to the bar and sat down and this chic is wasted, but STILL keeps ordering drinks. 2am rolls around and i asked for my tab. chic ordered THREE drinks then closed her shit out. im like yeah its 2 they gotta close. I gave the bar tender my card, he asks me "debit or credit" thats odd...i never been asked this before at ANY bar...then again i forgot this is fat kid with downs syndrome of bars. Im like "uhh...y? does it matter?" cats like "we charge a 1.25 for using credit cards, so u wanna do debit?" Im now learning what bars to NEVER EVER EVER go back to EVER. I think i would have rather got drunk and watched The Notebook while getting head from Andy Dick. Regardless, the tender asked me if i wanted the TIP on the card as well. Im like yeah add $10 to the total. so i had to put in my PIN with the TIP! Most craziest shit ive ever heard of...WTF is this WALMART?! SO i payed the man, and sat back down to finsihed the drinks. its now like 220, and the woman bar tender...who looked like a FAT Kathy Bates...yeah so that means she looked like Kathy Bates X2...comes over and tell Robyn to leave, im already outta my seat tryin to get this broad outta here. We finally left, and i had to drive her car yet again. Here is where the story takes an M Night Shamalan...245am pull into the parking lot...girl drunk as shit...wants to fuck me or go inside, right? LAUGH....haha....wow..couldnt be more incorrect then when getting the FIRST question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. These 3 guys are out by an open trunk of a car so im thinkin cats are dealin something. We get closer and one of dudes is SITTING in a LAWN chair, one has a DOG, and the OTHER has a BOTTLE OF Liquor. TAIL GATING AT FUCKING 3am!?!! In a parking lot of an apartment complex?!?! People from the south must do LOTS AND LOTS of fucking METH then reproduce. SO this broad wants to meet these cats im like "uhhh..what?! its 3am! u dont even know these dudes!" i park the car she JUMPS out and goes over and introduced herself. Now i got a better look at these dudes...i introduced myself. The dude sitting IN A LAWN CHAIR...was...wearing...WOWW..a LEATHER VEST! grandmaster flash was like 30 years ago bruh. I dont know maybe these cats came back from a village people bar, and he forgot to dress back into regular clothes. So these dudes where just chillin shootin the shit. these cats were drinking and passin around a bottle of Captain Morgans Parrot Bay. Im actually sober and didnt wanna get drunk, and REALLY didnt wanna drink outta the bottle these fucks were drinking from...cuz herpes is a nasty disease. The one guy with the DOG was from upstate NY, one cat was from GA, and the guy with the leather vest...well i dont know cuz he was chilling in his LAWN CHAIR!! The guy from GA had a southern accent and sounded like Larry the cable guy high on coke. This guy was prob no more then a buck fitty. (English: This person weighed no more then 150lbs) He started talking about some random shit that i didnt give a fuck about. Watching my COCK get smaller would prob be more interesting then this dude. SO everyone including Robyn was passing around that bottle of parrot bay. The dude with he dog kept making fun of his friends, which he was pretty funny, dude had a come back every stupid ass thing his boys said. At a certain point of the night the skinny fuck wanted me to PUNCH him in the FACE! Yeah he was one of those white people who gets DRUNK and wants to start fights for no REASON what SO EVER. I just cant understand white people. (yes im white, but these people fucking blow my mind, why they wanna start fucking fights, is beyond me) I told him i didnt wanna start any bull shit. he called me a pussy. im like "look bro i dont know u, plus i dont wanna start anything" so then he asks Robyn to punch him...she was like "are u serious?" he like yeah punch me. So she punched him in the arm then the chest. Then this ass clown wanted her to punch him in the face. WOW what i witnessed next was like watching a replay in SLOW mo of Ron Artest punching this cat in the bleachers in that pacers game! She punched him AS HARD as she could STRAIGHT in his JAW fucking 4-5 TIMEs!! im like "OOOOOHHHHHHH SNAAAAAAP!!!!!" (if your unfamiliar about such events, read this under "Pacers–Pistons brawl") This mother fucker fell to the ground harder then DEEBO in FRIDAY!! "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUUUUUCK OUT!" so after a few moments this cat got up and started to WRESTLE this broad!! yes WRESTLE!!!! on the ground of fucking BLACKTOP!! im just thinking to myself "yo man, white people are CRAZZY!" so this broad and this cat are doing whatever and she starts going toward our apt. its like fucking 430am! So the guy with the dog and I start going over to them saying "yeahh...so we gotta get going, its pretty late and i gotta work tomorrow" This broad starts SCREAMING at me SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DONT HAVE A JOB ASSHOLE!" (since she was drunk i was HOPING she wouldnt remember) So my mans with the dog, (oh i forgot it was a small dog like 3 feet long tops) started telling his boy that its time to peace out. My room mate started inviting this dude up to our PLACE!!! im like "WOAH WOAH, nah, we gotta get going now....." broad starts PISSING at me worse then an episode of Real World in the 90s. SO my boy with the dog gets his friend up and i get Robyn up, and she RUNS as FAST as she can to our apt. TOTALLY pissed. I gave my respects to the cat who was trying to get his boy outta there, and went up to the apt. I open the door, and this bitch starts SCREAMING at the top of her lungs "Whats the FUCK is your PROBLEM you fucking COCK BLOCKER!!!" i had to think of something REALLY quick...so i said "wow, really? you dont even KNOW that dude, and i DONT know that dude, y the FUCK are u inviting him to the crib?!!" shes like "i can take care of myself, DONT FUCKING tell me WHAT i can and CANT do ASSHOLE!" since im sober i can think of a come back.... "well WTF i HAVE NO IDEA who he is, plus YOU dont either, and i dont want someone i DONT know up in here, If you knew him i wouldnt care, but u DONT, so IM looking out for BOTH of us here!" that shut the bitch up faster then a virgin getting his dick sucked for the first time. Then i went into my room and just chilled on my bed. Since this broad is more crazy then Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, i hear this broad throwing shit against the WALL and screaming really loud. Im like wow..does DICK that BAD get u THAT much upset the u have to throw a FIt!? His dick was porb only 3". Bitch i coulda layed the cock to you but i wont, since your shit is worse then fucking a DEAD FISH in the middle of August! (go ahead and vomit here, or at least get yourself together) SO i closed my door and fell the fuck asleep cuz i didnt wanna deal with this dumb fucking bitch anymore. Then i wake up to text message around 12pm saying "im sorry for treating you like i did, u didn't deserve that" ....i was surprised as fuck that she even REMEMBERED what she even SAID! cuz i know if i was more trashed then Oscar the Grouch i wouldn't remember a fucking thing i said. SO i told her that she was acting a fool, and i was tryin to help her ass out cuz she didnt know that dude. So she proceeded to say that she could take care of herself and didnt need any help in the future. Im like "well whatever yo, next time shit like this goes down, im just be like whatever and not even pay attention to the bull shit that you pulled last night. But if a cat goes into my crib and wants to FIGHT..theres gunna be more problems then a 50 cent and Ja Rule Concert.
Well thats that, i still have WAY more stories to tell, but i didnt wanna put that into this blog cuz it would be like reading a book in chapters. Ill prob write the rest of this in a few days, cuz i know people dont like READING...ooh wow...READING holy shit!! i know READING is like KRYPTONIGHT to poeple in this age "OHHHHH NOOOO I CANT READ THISS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But if u actually CAN read then ill write my next blog in a few days. Well this is pretty much where i END my shit with a QUOTE...so here is you're moment of ZEN:
"Well When you gotta go, you gotta go" -Walmart employee when i bought toilet paper.
OK so lets start off a week before the superbowl, since i couldnt give 3 Ron Jeremy COCKS about football or even the Superbowl. So me and Robyn went to some ASSHOLE in the wall of a bar. It was like 10pm and we where both just sittin around watching TV..and i was prolly gunna pass out like "The Guy on the Couch" in the movie Half Baked. Then outta nowhere she is like "hey lets go out and do something". Im PRETTY sure it was a fucking thursday or wednesday, i forget...but it was a random fucking night. I look at my watch...and was like "well, lets go to a place that doesnt have POOL tables that Washington and Jefferson played on to settle score between two hookers they ordered." So shes like well we can go to this place called "SportsTown" they have good tables there. Again I dont know this area of orlando too well, so i was down for whatever. I should have done research on bars before moving here, because THIS place....was...well..i dont wanna spoil the fun. Before we left we took a "shot" of Jager. i poured them, so it was REALLY like TWO shots into a small glass. shes like "jesus christ thats more then a shot" im like "BITCH, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and DOWN the shit LIKE YOU DOWNED MY COCK, u SLORE!" .....nah i didnt say that...but i just told her to shut up and down it. So when we get there, she walks in first, and im looking at this place....im thinkin to myself...WOW a RETRO BAR...1985 came in and made a BAR! (should be noted this WASNT a retro bar) oh i must point out there was one BLACK guy there. Im like phew...i can fit in now. We walked to the bar and the tender asked me what i wanted. I shit u not cat gives me a MENU....OF FUCKING BEER! I wasnt feelin beer so i was like "yeah lemme get a Long island" dude looks at me like i raped his mother witha wrench. "YEAAAAHHHHHHHH......so we dont serve liquor here, only BEER!" Then my JAW dropped like HE just got done raping MY mother....with a BASEBALL BAT! i had to collect myself of this asinine shit. Let me just point this out better.....thats like walking into ATT and wanting a cell phone....then the sales rep says "yeah so THIS store only has Pagers" WHo the FUCK wants THAT SHIT?!!?! u go to a BAR to get FUCKED UP! i dont wanna drink BEER at a goddamn BAR cuz i dont get DRUNK off it! Well jokes on me cuz my ass was more fucked outta luck then Ja Rules rap career. So my Beer of choice all night was yuengling and Heineken. I told the tender "ill have a Heineken"....again...i dont know WHERE these FUCKS get thier BAR tending licenses...guys like "bottled?" uhhhh.....im PREEEETY sure an IMPORT beer isnt on TAP...so im like "oh u got it on tap?!" then this fuck is like "uhh no just bottled" ...............THE FUCK!!!!!!! are u KIDDING ME?!!? Then why the ASS would u fucking ASK me if i wanted it BOTTLED when u dont have it on tap u DUMB STUPID ASS FUCK!? So we get the balls and play for a while. The tables where actually decent. They looked like maybe the last people to play was Obama and Clinton over which fat white chick they wanted to fuck first. Like everyone drinking beer u gotta take a piss....but i couldnt find the restroom. I asked the bartender "its right there on the right where u came in" i look at the door "BOYS" well i hope they didnt let Michael Jackson here...(aww cmon too soon?!) I walk into this "facility" im like WOW...ok lets say it looked like your buddys bathroom in his shitty apt. if his SHOWER where a STALL, and his toilet was a PISSER! I was really debating to just piss on the floor, or maybe the sink...but yeah there was no lock on the door. BTW the door looked like an over sized saloon door. it should also be noted that there WAS NO FUCKING SOAP NOR TOWELS! I hope the bar tender doesnt take a piss or a shit! After playin pool there was a SKEE BALL machine there....hmm maybe they DID make this place for michael jackson...80s lookin, mens room says "boys" skee ball....maybe i should have asked for "Jesus Juice" Im like WOWW i havent played skeeball since....Show Biz Pizza! yeah THATS right..SHOW BIZ PIZZA! the machine even gave tickets. im like tickets? i didnt see a PRIZE area! i whooped her ass in skeeball and i HAVENT PLAYED since i was like 8! i got like 10 tickets, so i asked her what we needs these for? shes like "well put your phone number on the back and they put u into a drawing where u can win $50 to $100 if they call you up" i couldnt care less really. by now its like 145am and i was gunna get the tab, so we went over to the bar and sat down and this chic is wasted, but STILL keeps ordering drinks. 2am rolls around and i asked for my tab. chic ordered THREE drinks then closed her shit out. im like yeah its 2 they gotta close. I gave the bar tender my card, he asks me "debit or credit" thats odd...i never been asked this before at ANY bar...then again i forgot this is fat kid with downs syndrome of bars. Im like "uhh...y? does it matter?" cats like "we charge a 1.25 for using credit cards, so u wanna do debit?" Im now learning what bars to NEVER EVER EVER go back to EVER. I think i would have rather got drunk and watched The Notebook while getting head from Andy Dick. Regardless, the tender asked me if i wanted the TIP on the card as well. Im like yeah add $10 to the total. so i had to put in my PIN with the TIP! Most craziest shit ive ever heard of...WTF is this WALMART?! SO i payed the man, and sat back down to finsihed the drinks. its now like 220, and the woman bar tender...who looked like a FAT Kathy Bates...yeah so that means she looked like Kathy Bates X2...comes over and tell Robyn to leave, im already outta my seat tryin to get this broad outta here. We finally left, and i had to drive her car yet again. Here is where the story takes an M Night Shamalan...245am pull into the parking lot...girl drunk as shit...wants to fuck me or go inside, right? LAUGH....haha....wow..couldnt be more incorrect then when getting the FIRST question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. These 3 guys are out by an open trunk of a car so im thinkin cats are dealin something. We get closer and one of dudes is SITTING in a LAWN chair, one has a DOG, and the OTHER has a BOTTLE OF Liquor. TAIL GATING AT FUCKING 3am!?!! In a parking lot of an apartment complex?!?! People from the south must do LOTS AND LOTS of fucking METH then reproduce. SO this broad wants to meet these cats im like "uhhh..what?! its 3am! u dont even know these dudes!" i park the car she JUMPS out and goes over and introduced herself. Now i got a better look at these dudes...i introduced myself. The dude sitting IN A LAWN CHAIR...was...wearing...WOWW..a LEATHER VEST! grandmaster flash was like 30 years ago bruh. I dont know maybe these cats came back from a village people bar, and he forgot to dress back into regular clothes. So these dudes where just chillin shootin the shit. these cats were drinking and passin around a bottle of Captain Morgans Parrot Bay. Im actually sober and didnt wanna get drunk, and REALLY didnt wanna drink outta the bottle these fucks were drinking from...cuz herpes is a nasty disease. The one guy with the DOG was from upstate NY, one cat was from GA, and the guy with the leather vest...well i dont know cuz he was chilling in his LAWN CHAIR!! The guy from GA had a southern accent and sounded like Larry the cable guy high on coke. This guy was prob no more then a buck fitty. (English: This person weighed no more then 150lbs) He started talking about some random shit that i didnt give a fuck about. Watching my COCK get smaller would prob be more interesting then this dude. SO everyone including Robyn was passing around that bottle of parrot bay. The dude with he dog kept making fun of his friends, which he was pretty funny, dude had a come back every stupid ass thing his boys said. At a certain point of the night the skinny fuck wanted me to PUNCH him in the FACE! Yeah he was one of those white people who gets DRUNK and wants to start fights for no REASON what SO EVER. I just cant understand white people. (yes im white, but these people fucking blow my mind, why they wanna start fucking fights, is beyond me) I told him i didnt wanna start any bull shit. he called me a pussy. im like "look bro i dont know u, plus i dont wanna start anything" so then he asks Robyn to punch him...she was like "are u serious?" he like yeah punch me. So she punched him in the arm then the chest. Then this ass clown wanted her to punch him in the face. WOW what i witnessed next was like watching a replay in SLOW mo of Ron Artest punching this cat in the bleachers in that pacers game! She punched him AS HARD as she could STRAIGHT in his JAW fucking 4-5 TIMEs!! im like "OOOOOHHHHHHH SNAAAAAAP!!!!!" (if your unfamiliar about such events, read this under "Pacers–Pistons brawl") This mother fucker fell to the ground harder then DEEBO in FRIDAY!! "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUUUUUCK OUT!" so after a few moments this cat got up and started to WRESTLE this broad!! yes WRESTLE!!!! on the ground of fucking BLACKTOP!! im just thinking to myself "yo man, white people are CRAZZY!" so this broad and this cat are doing whatever and she starts going toward our apt. its like fucking 430am! So the guy with the dog and I start going over to them saying "yeahh...so we gotta get going, its pretty late and i gotta work tomorrow" This broad starts SCREAMING at me SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DONT HAVE A JOB ASSHOLE!" (since she was drunk i was HOPING she wouldnt remember) So my mans with the dog, (oh i forgot it was a small dog like 3 feet long tops) started telling his boy that its time to peace out. My room mate started inviting this dude up to our PLACE!!! im like "WOAH WOAH, nah, we gotta get going now....." broad starts PISSING at me worse then an episode of Real World in the 90s. SO my boy with the dog gets his friend up and i get Robyn up, and she RUNS as FAST as she can to our apt. TOTALLY pissed. I gave my respects to the cat who was trying to get his boy outta there, and went up to the apt. I open the door, and this bitch starts SCREAMING at the top of her lungs "Whats the FUCK is your PROBLEM you fucking COCK BLOCKER!!!" i had to think of something REALLY quick...so i said "wow, really? you dont even KNOW that dude, and i DONT know that dude, y the FUCK are u inviting him to the crib?!!" shes like "i can take care of myself, DONT FUCKING tell me WHAT i can and CANT do ASSHOLE!" since im sober i can think of a come back.... "well WTF i HAVE NO IDEA who he is, plus YOU dont either, and i dont want someone i DONT know up in here, If you knew him i wouldnt care, but u DONT, so IM looking out for BOTH of us here!" that shut the bitch up faster then a virgin getting his dick sucked for the first time. Then i went into my room and just chilled on my bed. Since this broad is more crazy then Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, i hear this broad throwing shit against the WALL and screaming really loud. Im like wow..does DICK that BAD get u THAT much upset the u have to throw a FIt!? His dick was porb only 3". Bitch i coulda layed the cock to you but i wont, since your shit is worse then fucking a DEAD FISH in the middle of August! (go ahead and vomit here, or at least get yourself together) SO i closed my door and fell the fuck asleep cuz i didnt wanna deal with this dumb fucking bitch anymore. Then i wake up to text message around 12pm saying "im sorry for treating you like i did, u didn't deserve that" ....i was surprised as fuck that she even REMEMBERED what she even SAID! cuz i know if i was more trashed then Oscar the Grouch i wouldn't remember a fucking thing i said. SO i told her that she was acting a fool, and i was tryin to help her ass out cuz she didnt know that dude. So she proceeded to say that she could take care of herself and didnt need any help in the future. Im like "well whatever yo, next time shit like this goes down, im just be like whatever and not even pay attention to the bull shit that you pulled last night. But if a cat goes into my crib and wants to FIGHT..theres gunna be more problems then a 50 cent and Ja Rule Concert.
Well thats that, i still have WAY more stories to tell, but i didnt wanna put that into this blog cuz it would be like reading a book in chapters. Ill prob write the rest of this in a few days, cuz i know people dont like READING...ooh wow...READING holy shit!! i know READING is like KRYPTONIGHT to poeple in this age "OHHHHH NOOOO I CANT READ THISS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But if u actually CAN read then ill write my next blog in a few days. Well this is pretty much where i END my shit with a QUOTE...so here is you're moment of ZEN:
"Well When you gotta go, you gotta go" -Walmart employee when i bought toilet paper.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Shady Business
Ok so now that you have an understanding of who my roommate is, I can just go into my story without any explanation cuz Santa Clause says it best "Hoe Hoe Hoe" So last night was some pretty random fucking shit. Lemme start off by saying this broad wants my dick but for some reason doesn't wanna fuck me...cuz I'm not her "boyfriend"...but ill get into that later...so sketch that down on your pad if your takin notes. So we agreed to do something the other night for friday night, but didn't know what yet. But before I get into THAT I'm gunna start off by telling you about my job....and what happened to me Thursday morning.
If you don't know, I work at SunTrust bank in orlando thats actually a call center type of place...but I work in the IT area and don't answer calls. My job is to move bank branch's network drives from one server to another, and start back ups on the server before it gets moved. I've been there for LESS then a month. The reason me and another guy where hired is because 2 guys before us fucked up majorly by saying they did work but really didn't do shit for an entire month. So I came into this job...1 month behind. When I found THIS out I'm like r u fucking serious!!?? 2 guys fucked everything up now 2 other guys have to clean up this shit!? Hmmm sounds familiar right!? Let me put this into perspective..kinda like how bush n chainy fucked up 8 years, now Obama and Biden gotta come into the game and suppose to clean up all that shit, that's almost impossible to fix in the amount of time that's expected!?? Yeah right. Obama been pres for one year and ppl expect fucking miracles...fuck you to ppl who think he's suppose to have everything fixed. Same thing here....I've been there for only 3 weeks and they expect to have massive results when we are 4+ weeks behind from day 1!!!! So I walk in the door thursday. Sit down and tryin to get ready for the day by logging in and getting ready to start work. (Btw...my "boss" has been there for 20 mins already...just note that) Then I get a call from the company that I'm contracted through. Ill give you the convo below:
Me: hello
Stupid Ass Broad: I'm lookin for scott?
Me: yeah that's me
SAB: this is christy from insight global (company that pays me) umm...I tried calling you yesterday but....are u at work now?
Me: uuhh yeah y?
SAB: oh have you talked to your manager yet!?
Me: um no....what for?
SAB: well they have decided to let you go
Me: .................what!?? What for!!?
SAB: well its best you talk to your manager about this but yesterday was suppose to be your last day but I couldn't contact you, but they feel its not working out the way they planed
Me: ..................are you serious!?? This makes absolute no sense. But okay..
SAB: well just talk to your manager then call me back okay?
Me: uuhhhmm wow...um uh okay.
So I get off the phone and am like amazed by what just happened so I took a few mins to collect myself and shit before I would go to my manager. Then my phones rings AGAIN....
Me: (noticing its the same broad again) yes?
(I shit u not this is what was said to me)
SAB: yeah so don't talk to your manager its best you just walk up out of your cubical and leave the site. Don't worry about saying goodbye to anyone just get up and leave the premises, and once you have left the site please give me a call back.
Me: (like 10 second silence) wow...*deep sigh* I was half chuckling cuz I couldn't believe what was being told to me. Then I tell this bitch "umm yeah whatever, sure" then hung up.
So then I'm like...this is some BULL SHEEEEIT!!! So I went over to my manager and was like "yeah so I just got off the phone with insight global and they letting me go?! What's the deal?!"
Guy gets up out of his chair..."yeah unfortunately...I just found this out last night @ like 930" *silience* ummm okay....y? Is it cuz I was late that one day? I've only been here like 3 weeks...
"Well I don't really know but I have to call some people to really find out y, but Eric (a guy I NEVER met, and signs off on my time sheets) said that it wasn't working the way he hoped." I'm like "that means nothing to me....is it because I've been a little bit behind tryin to catch up!?" He's like "no no the work quantity wasn't y either" me and him just had the most awkward silence ever cuz this fuck wouldn't tell me shit. I even flat out said "look I don't care what the reason was...I would just like to know y personally I was let go..that's all" guy didn't give me any answer just said "ill give u a call later on and find out" so then I'm like okay then......then rolled out like OJ in his bronco.
Ok so now that I don't have a job I'm in a worse situation the vanilla ice and MC hammer in the mid to late 90s!! May I remind you that I JUST moved into a new place, now I don't have a fucking job!??!! How am I gunna pay rent!!??? Well sir...ill get to that in a few...cuz I'm more pimpin then Kat Williams in the movie Friday After Next. So Friday I chill with my roommate robyn, earlier in the day she was talkin about her 16 year old niece and her friend coming over. I didn't really know why the fuck they where coming over but I'm just like ummm okay....so when she was ready to pick them up, she texted me..."hey I'm on my way home u want me to pick u up anything?" I told her I was good n didn't need anything, and thanked her. She comes home and was like "hey scott!" I'm like "yeah wuts up" I go into the kitchen and this broad had bought me a 6 pack of Yuengling Beer!! Cuz she knew I liked it, since its what I drank when I was @ the bar with her last weekend. I'm like "oh wow! U didn't have to do that...but thanks!" But it gets even better...she has a half bottle of fucking captain morgan...and she's complaining she got it from a friend and its only half a bottle!!! I'm like "hey its better then NOTHING right?! Plus it was free!!" And this broad starts pouring herself a captain and coke while these 2 16 year old broads r here. So we where going to a comedy club, an improve like "who's line is it anyway". She then asks me "who's car are we taking?" I'm like "not mine cuz its more of a mess then tara reid on any given day". The 16 year old whore cunts where going to stay at our place while we went out. All I said to these girls was "hey if anything is missing from my room...its gunna look like Friday the 13th up in here!" Blank stare....umm.... "So.. its gunna look like hanah montana in the movie saw!?" Yeah that got their attention. So we both left....with beers. Yuengling. Let's hope we don't get stopped by douche bag cop like in Harold n Kumar. Alright by now we r on the road and the comedy place starts @ 10...its now 1015. We get there like 11 cuz couldn't find the fuckin place cuz it was magically put in the back lot of a main street so finding it was like tryin to find where's waldo in a fucking candy cane warehouse filled with zebra! So we walk in an hour late...and this room where they were performing in was probably the size of shaq's guest bathroom! I mean wow..but since we were an hour late, there was no cover. Thank ASS I didn't pay for the $10 cover because these guys were as funny as watching paint dry on a dead body. Like I think I'd rather set up a chair and watch a Rhino take a massive diarrhea on to Larry King's face as Robert Downy Jr snorts it all up!! I didn't even break a smile...I don't know if anyone remembers this show from back in the day called "Make Me Laugh" but a person would sit in a chair and they had comics come up to the person and say ANYTHING they wanted to make the person laugh within the amount of time given, and if the person DIDN'T laugh they would win prize money. If these terrible comics where on that show I would have won everything. We were at the place for about 30 mins. I didn't order any drinks, but this chic ordered 2 beers and a rum and coke!! I'm thinking to myself jesus christ this broad doesn't fuck around. I just didn't want to waste money at a place that sucked more ass then a gay leprechaun at a richard simmons convention! We left in the middle of the show and the broad was more tipsy then Lindsey Lohan after doing meth off of Tom Selleck's chest. So she gave me the keys to her raggaty ass fuck hole of a ride, which would make Xzibit cringe! So me more sober then the pope took a journey back having HER tell me directions because my ass had to fucking clue where I was. During this process I asked her what bar we could go to since I didn't wanna go home. So she informed me on how to get to this one place that was near where we lived. While driving there this broad was grabbin my dick and kissing up on my neck like a hooker who just met Justin Timberlake! I'm like "whoa settle down I gotta drive...u don't want us to crash into a fucking pole do yah!?" Her reply to this was....wait for it....wait for it.... "No, but you are wearing AXE and it makes me so fucking wet!" I just started to laugh, but how do u you even respond to this!!??! I think I said something like "I know have this effect on everyone, I can't help it" So as we are pulling into this bar I'm asking her what type of place it is. Well maybe ill explain it a little better. If larry the cable guy were to own his own small time bar....this place would be it! Not a single person of the darker skin race was present. I saw more t shirts and trucker hats then at the daytona 500! So we go over and order drinks...keep in mind I'm looking DIRECTLY at the selections of vodka to choose from. I told the dumb ass broad bar tender "Let me get a double of Absolute Raspberry Vodka and sprite" ......she says "we don't have absolute, only three olives" I give her a confused face and started to point out the bottle right next to me. Also I should note that they didn't HAVE three olives raspberry, they had the cherry one! But anyway this bitch is like "oh yeah sorry" and made me the drink. Three-O is a really good vodka but since I had this @ home I'd wanna switch it up. I don't know what land this bar tender came from, but pouring the SAME fuckin amount of vodka as a regular into a bigger fucking glass...doesn't make it a DOUBLE!!! The glass was filled with ice to the rim! Maybe if a said "make it a quadrouple" I would have gotten a REAL double. Anyway, I ordered that and a bucket of miller lite for the chic. I know for this scenario I couldn't drink fucking LIGHT beer! So we went to play pool, and I shit u not the pool balls looked like they where from 1946, while the pool table needed to be refelted 20 years ago! So I seriously downed my drink as I looked for pool cues. ALL but ONE looked like Paris Hilton had used them for personal dildos!!! I'm like jesus fuck!?? When was the last time anyone maintained these things!? Was Thomas Jefferson still in office!?? Did people have to use powder from their wigs as chalk!?? At least they HAD powder there for your hands. So yet again I let her play "let's shoot the ball and what ever goes in counts" while I played actual pool. I think I had about 3 "doubles", yet I wasn't even CLOSE to drunk. Which was good cuz I would be driving home. So 2am rolls around and we leave the bar and get in her car. She starts talking about something and I can't even understand her cuz she sounds worse then ozzie Osborne if he were def! I do the smile and nod...then all of a sudden she jumps over then console onto my lap! Good fuck! I guess I had no choice. She wanted to fuck me right here! So she's on my lap as she's all over me like white on coke. I had to literally THROW her over to the passengers side! I'm like hey we gotta get outta here, look there is a cop car right over there! Which there actually was. Then I turned on the car and left the premise...and we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex.....
****Warning: Next Part Gets Pretty Graphic*****
Again she jumps over then console starts makin out with me and says "I wanna fuck you right now scott" I'm like alright let's go inside. She then throws the seat down and said "oh yes...pull my fucking hair and bite my neck" she started to BITE MY neck!!! I'm like "waoh!!! Hold on I'm not into that type of shit!!! What the fuck you think this is!?? Twilight!??" I'm thinkin alright we gotta get out the whip Cuz I'm not 16 and gunna make out in a goddamn car!! Fuck that noise with a horse shoe! So we got out and went into the crib. Remember those 16 year girls? Yeah they are still there. So I go into my room and just plop into bed. Not 10 mins goes by and she comes into my room and jumps on me yet AGAIN!!! At this point she had me wild'n out worse then a bronco at a rodeo! I was gunna fuck her but she says something that would have fall out your chair: "no, I can't fuck you cuz I'm drunk, and I can't get off when I'm drunk". I wanted to slam my head against the wall....I'm not really sure what happened after that but I somehow woke up in HER bed @ 6am. I'm like "what the fuck!!?!" Her ass was out like a hibernating bear, so I went back into my room, took a piss and went to MY bed. Broad wakes me up with a text message at around 1230pm. So she had already taken those chics back home and told me to come into her room. I got a drink then looked over in her room. She starts laughing.....I'm sorry did chris rock just start talkin about "black people and niggaz"!?? I'm confused. So I walk in and sit on her bed. "I need some dick" wow ....okay...so broad start grabbin my shit...and makin out and I had to rethink the scenario...and said "yeah I don't have any rubbers"..... now you probably wanna picture that part in Road Trip where the skinny kid is about fuck that huge black chic.... she tells me "so? I have some in my drawer over here, as a sexually active girl I'm always prepared" I open up the drawer and sure enough yes indeed......................***edited for content***................. Let's just assume that what I DIDN'T say u DON'T want to hear... TRUST ME on this!! All I know was it was prob the worse lay ever and had to take a 45 min shower afterwards. Remember in ghostbusters II everyone is covered in pink slime? That's how I FELT.
On the brighter side of life, she had to go to "work" later in the day and got to play MW2 @ night with friends and scream at 5 year olds while they curse @ me telling me "you got owned". Who let's their small young kids play fuckin war games!!?? If the government enforced video game ratings like they did with alcohol, america wouldn't be fucked up. Wait..never mind, yes it would....what was I THINKING!??? All I'm saying is don't sell a fuckin M rated game to a parent who's kid is right there!!! That's like having an adult walking into a bar with a young teen and the adult ordering what ever the teen says he wanted while the bar tender is right there, then sells it to the adult...and the bar tender turning a blind eye knowing its for the teen! Good job america! Anyway ima end this long ass fucking BOOK with a quote like usual. So here you go!!! Let's end this blog like The Sopran-
"Don't get upset if I find a boyfriend" -Robyn
Ahaahaah wooowww! First off, good fucking luck!!! Second off....hahahahaha yeah RIGHT!!!!
If you don't know, I work at SunTrust bank in orlando thats actually a call center type of place...but I work in the IT area and don't answer calls. My job is to move bank branch's network drives from one server to another, and start back ups on the server before it gets moved. I've been there for LESS then a month. The reason me and another guy where hired is because 2 guys before us fucked up majorly by saying they did work but really didn't do shit for an entire month. So I came into this job...1 month behind. When I found THIS out I'm like r u fucking serious!!?? 2 guys fucked everything up now 2 other guys have to clean up this shit!? Hmmm sounds familiar right!? Let me put this into perspective..kinda like how bush n chainy fucked up 8 years, now Obama and Biden gotta come into the game and suppose to clean up all that shit, that's almost impossible to fix in the amount of time that's expected!?? Yeah right. Obama been pres for one year and ppl expect fucking miracles...fuck you to ppl who think he's suppose to have everything fixed. Same thing here....I've been there for only 3 weeks and they expect to have massive results when we are 4+ weeks behind from day 1!!!! So I walk in the door thursday. Sit down and tryin to get ready for the day by logging in and getting ready to start work. (Btw...my "boss" has been there for 20 mins already...just note that) Then I get a call from the company that I'm contracted through. Ill give you the convo below:
Me: hello
Stupid Ass Broad: I'm lookin for scott?
Me: yeah that's me
SAB: this is christy from insight global (company that pays me) umm...I tried calling you yesterday but....are u at work now?
Me: uuhh yeah y?
SAB: oh have you talked to your manager yet!?
Me: um no....what for?
SAB: well they have decided to let you go
Me: .................what!?? What for!!?
SAB: well its best you talk to your manager about this but yesterday was suppose to be your last day but I couldn't contact you, but they feel its not working out the way they planed
Me: ..................are you serious!?? This makes absolute no sense. But okay..
SAB: well just talk to your manager then call me back okay?
Me: uuhhhmm wow...um uh okay.
So I get off the phone and am like amazed by what just happened so I took a few mins to collect myself and shit before I would go to my manager. Then my phones rings AGAIN....
Me: (noticing its the same broad again) yes?
(I shit u not this is what was said to me)
SAB: yeah so don't talk to your manager its best you just walk up out of your cubical and leave the site. Don't worry about saying goodbye to anyone just get up and leave the premises, and once you have left the site please give me a call back.
Me: (like 10 second silence) wow...*deep sigh* I was half chuckling cuz I couldn't believe what was being told to me. Then I tell this bitch "umm yeah whatever, sure" then hung up.
So then I'm like...this is some BULL SHEEEEIT!!! So I went over to my manager and was like "yeah so I just got off the phone with insight global and they letting me go?! What's the deal?!"
Guy gets up out of his chair..."yeah unfortunately...I just found this out last night @ like 930" *silience* ummm okay....y? Is it cuz I was late that one day? I've only been here like 3 weeks...
"Well I don't really know but I have to call some people to really find out y, but Eric (a guy I NEVER met, and signs off on my time sheets) said that it wasn't working the way he hoped." I'm like "that means nothing to me....is it because I've been a little bit behind tryin to catch up!?" He's like "no no the work quantity wasn't y either" me and him just had the most awkward silence ever cuz this fuck wouldn't tell me shit. I even flat out said "look I don't care what the reason was...I would just like to know y personally I was let go..that's all" guy didn't give me any answer just said "ill give u a call later on and find out" so then I'm like okay then......then rolled out like OJ in his bronco.
Ok so now that I don't have a job I'm in a worse situation the vanilla ice and MC hammer in the mid to late 90s!! May I remind you that I JUST moved into a new place, now I don't have a fucking job!??!! How am I gunna pay rent!!??? Well sir...ill get to that in a few...cuz I'm more pimpin then Kat Williams in the movie Friday After Next. So Friday I chill with my roommate robyn, earlier in the day she was talkin about her 16 year old niece and her friend coming over. I didn't really know why the fuck they where coming over but I'm just like ummm okay....so when she was ready to pick them up, she texted me..."hey I'm on my way home u want me to pick u up anything?" I told her I was good n didn't need anything, and thanked her. She comes home and was like "hey scott!" I'm like "yeah wuts up" I go into the kitchen and this broad had bought me a 6 pack of Yuengling Beer!! Cuz she knew I liked it, since its what I drank when I was @ the bar with her last weekend. I'm like "oh wow! U didn't have to do that...but thanks!" But it gets even better...she has a half bottle of fucking captain morgan...and she's complaining she got it from a friend and its only half a bottle!!! I'm like "hey its better then NOTHING right?! Plus it was free!!" And this broad starts pouring herself a captain and coke while these 2 16 year old broads r here. So we where going to a comedy club, an improve like "who's line is it anyway". She then asks me "who's car are we taking?" I'm like "not mine cuz its more of a mess then tara reid on any given day". The 16 year old whore cunts where going to stay at our place while we went out. All I said to these girls was "hey if anything is missing from my room...its gunna look like Friday the 13th up in here!" Blank stare....umm.... "So.. its gunna look like hanah montana in the movie saw!?" Yeah that got their attention. So we both left....with beers. Yuengling. Let's hope we don't get stopped by douche bag cop like in Harold n Kumar. Alright by now we r on the road and the comedy place starts @ 10...its now 1015. We get there like 11 cuz couldn't find the fuckin place cuz it was magically put in the back lot of a main street so finding it was like tryin to find where's waldo in a fucking candy cane warehouse filled with zebra! So we walk in an hour late...and this room where they were performing in was probably the size of shaq's guest bathroom! I mean wow..but since we were an hour late, there was no cover. Thank ASS I didn't pay for the $10 cover because these guys were as funny as watching paint dry on a dead body. Like I think I'd rather set up a chair and watch a Rhino take a massive diarrhea on to Larry King's face as Robert Downy Jr snorts it all up!! I didn't even break a smile...I don't know if anyone remembers this show from back in the day called "Make Me Laugh" but a person would sit in a chair and they had comics come up to the person and say ANYTHING they wanted to make the person laugh within the amount of time given, and if the person DIDN'T laugh they would win prize money. If these terrible comics where on that show I would have won everything. We were at the place for about 30 mins. I didn't order any drinks, but this chic ordered 2 beers and a rum and coke!! I'm thinking to myself jesus christ this broad doesn't fuck around. I just didn't want to waste money at a place that sucked more ass then a gay leprechaun at a richard simmons convention! We left in the middle of the show and the broad was more tipsy then Lindsey Lohan after doing meth off of Tom Selleck's chest. So she gave me the keys to her raggaty ass fuck hole of a ride, which would make Xzibit cringe! So me more sober then the pope took a journey back having HER tell me directions because my ass had to fucking clue where I was. During this process I asked her what bar we could go to since I didn't wanna go home. So she informed me on how to get to this one place that was near where we lived. While driving there this broad was grabbin my dick and kissing up on my neck like a hooker who just met Justin Timberlake! I'm like "whoa settle down I gotta drive...u don't want us to crash into a fucking pole do yah!?" Her reply to this was....wait for it....wait for it.... "No, but you are wearing AXE and it makes me so fucking wet!" I just started to laugh, but how do u you even respond to this!!??! I think I said something like "I know have this effect on everyone, I can't help it" So as we are pulling into this bar I'm asking her what type of place it is. Well maybe ill explain it a little better. If larry the cable guy were to own his own small time bar....this place would be it! Not a single person of the darker skin race was present. I saw more t shirts and trucker hats then at the daytona 500! So we go over and order drinks...keep in mind I'm looking DIRECTLY at the selections of vodka to choose from. I told the dumb ass broad bar tender "Let me get a double of Absolute Raspberry Vodka and sprite" ......she says "we don't have absolute, only three olives" I give her a confused face and started to point out the bottle right next to me. Also I should note that they didn't HAVE three olives raspberry, they had the cherry one! But anyway this bitch is like "oh yeah sorry" and made me the drink. Three-O is a really good vodka but since I had this @ home I'd wanna switch it up. I don't know what land this bar tender came from, but pouring the SAME fuckin amount of vodka as a regular into a bigger fucking glass...doesn't make it a DOUBLE!!! The glass was filled with ice to the rim! Maybe if a said "make it a quadrouple" I would have gotten a REAL double. Anyway, I ordered that and a bucket of miller lite for the chic. I know for this scenario I couldn't drink fucking LIGHT beer! So we went to play pool, and I shit u not the pool balls looked like they where from 1946, while the pool table needed to be refelted 20 years ago! So I seriously downed my drink as I looked for pool cues. ALL but ONE looked like Paris Hilton had used them for personal dildos!!! I'm like jesus fuck!?? When was the last time anyone maintained these things!? Was Thomas Jefferson still in office!?? Did people have to use powder from their wigs as chalk!?? At least they HAD powder there for your hands. So yet again I let her play "let's shoot the ball and what ever goes in counts" while I played actual pool. I think I had about 3 "doubles", yet I wasn't even CLOSE to drunk. Which was good cuz I would be driving home. So 2am rolls around and we leave the bar and get in her car. She starts talking about something and I can't even understand her cuz she sounds worse then ozzie Osborne if he were def! I do the smile and nod...then all of a sudden she jumps over then console onto my lap! Good fuck! I guess I had no choice. She wanted to fuck me right here! So she's on my lap as she's all over me like white on coke. I had to literally THROW her over to the passengers side! I'm like hey we gotta get outta here, look there is a cop car right over there! Which there actually was. Then I turned on the car and left the premise...and we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex.....
****Warning: Next Part Gets Pretty Graphic*****
Again she jumps over then console starts makin out with me and says "I wanna fuck you right now scott" I'm like alright let's go inside. She then throws the seat down and said "oh yes...pull my fucking hair and bite my neck" she started to BITE MY neck!!! I'm like "waoh!!! Hold on I'm not into that type of shit!!! What the fuck you think this is!?? Twilight!??" I'm thinkin alright we gotta get out the whip Cuz I'm not 16 and gunna make out in a goddamn car!! Fuck that noise with a horse shoe! So we got out and went into the crib. Remember those 16 year girls? Yeah they are still there. So I go into my room and just plop into bed. Not 10 mins goes by and she comes into my room and jumps on me yet AGAIN!!! At this point she had me wild'n out worse then a bronco at a rodeo! I was gunna fuck her but she says something that would have fall out your chair: "no, I can't fuck you cuz I'm drunk, and I can't get off when I'm drunk". I wanted to slam my head against the wall....I'm not really sure what happened after that but I somehow woke up in HER bed @ 6am. I'm like "what the fuck!!?!" Her ass was out like a hibernating bear, so I went back into my room, took a piss and went to MY bed. Broad wakes me up with a text message at around 1230pm. So she had already taken those chics back home and told me to come into her room. I got a drink then looked over in her room. She starts laughing.....I'm sorry did chris rock just start talkin about "black people and niggaz"!?? I'm confused. So I walk in and sit on her bed. "I need some dick" wow ....okay...so broad start grabbin my shit...and makin out and I had to rethink the scenario...and said "yeah I don't have any rubbers"..... now you probably wanna picture that part in Road Trip where the skinny kid is about fuck that huge black chic.... she tells me "so? I have some in my drawer over here, as a sexually active girl I'm always prepared" I open up the drawer and sure enough yes indeed......................***edited for content***................. Let's just assume that what I DIDN'T say u DON'T want to hear... TRUST ME on this!! All I know was it was prob the worse lay ever and had to take a 45 min shower afterwards. Remember in ghostbusters II everyone is covered in pink slime? That's how I FELT.
On the brighter side of life, she had to go to "work" later in the day and got to play MW2 @ night with friends and scream at 5 year olds while they curse @ me telling me "you got owned". Who let's their small young kids play fuckin war games!!?? If the government enforced video game ratings like they did with alcohol, america wouldn't be fucked up. Wait..never mind, yes it would....what was I THINKING!??? All I'm saying is don't sell a fuckin M rated game to a parent who's kid is right there!!! That's like having an adult walking into a bar with a young teen and the adult ordering what ever the teen says he wanted while the bar tender is right there, then sells it to the adult...and the bar tender turning a blind eye knowing its for the teen! Good job america! Anyway ima end this long ass fucking BOOK with a quote like usual. So here you go!!! Let's end this blog like The Sopran-
"Don't get upset if I find a boyfriend" -Robyn
Ahaahaah wooowww! First off, good fucking luck!!! Second off....hahahahaha yeah RIGHT!!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My New Roommate
Alrighty so if you are one of those people who haven't been following me on facebook, I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago. And not by myself. In order to save money I moved into a place with this broad who works at a hospital and sticks tubes down peoples throat to help people breathe, and resuscitates people as well. Please keep a side note of this in your head as I write more to this classic "bones blog".
Let's start off by saying that she works 7pm-7am three days a week. She also likes to drink..and when I say drink..I mean she would make Artie Lange look like a fucking Jonas brother!! Shes always drunk!! I thought I was bad..holy fucking ass! Broad drinks during the day and when ever she has free time. I actually thought she was a hooker. Works odd hours, lives near the worst street called "OBT" and known for its hookers in orlando. And just hangin out wit random fucks! When I first moved in, she was getting ready to go out to a bar to see a band with sum guy. She wanted to know my opinion about her outfit..then she pulled out a flask and was like "where am I gunna put this? I don't have any pockets" I just laughed kinda like when your friend makes a dumb joke about your mom. But she gave me a blank stare like peter griffin! I'm like "ohh u were SERIOUS!? You're actually going to bring a flask to a bar!!? " She's like "yeah I'm not payin the outrageous prices there, u fuckin kiddin me?" I'm like oh okay if that's how u roll thas cool. (Which is actually smart..order like a soda mix your own shit...pretty good idea actually hahaha) But I don't know anyone who carries a damn flask around...especially a chic!! But anyhow the REAL story at hand is this past weekend. Saturday afternoon she comes home with a chic that has a black eye. The girl said she got beat up last night....so LOGICALLY I said "so what u got into a fight at a club or bar last night?" Then my roommate is like "no no no she's only 16." I'm like "ooohhhhh okay I see". Then I just kinda wondered away from the conversation but overheard them talkin about parties and drinking and somehow I heard "we gotta figure out a way to get you into the bar tonight" I'm like whhaaaaaattttttt !!?? While this conv is going on (Robyn is my roommate so ill use her name now instead of "my roommate") Robyn pours herself a jack n coke. It should be noted its about 2 or 3pm saturday. So I walk back into my room and I'm listening to an old school hip hop channel. The next song that comes on is called "I need Drugs" by this individual who calls himself Necro. So the 16 year old comes over to my room "hey I know this song...who does this? I'm like I actually forget..but its an older song" she's like "yeah yeah its called I need drugs right...I used to listen to this song and I know its older. " I was just like "yeah your right....I think its from the 90s". This song came out in 2000. 10 years ago. She was 6 for fuck sake!! I'd also like to point out she's not PR nor Black....she was this skinny blond hair white girl!! Ok so a 16 year old girl likes to drink...and does a lot of drugs apparently. Maybe this broad needs to make an appearance on MTV. What show!? Fuck if I know any show on mtv!?!? I don't watch MTV. Last time I watched that shit Carson Daily was hosting a show entitled "TRL" and massive kids would be in times square watching videos...holy shit!!! That's right VIDEOS!!!!!! Who woulda thought a television station with the word "music" in its title would really play music!?? That's a hard concept to grasp! But anyhow these 2 broads left short after and I'm like "have fun!" I had to fucking stop myself for a moment....damn what the fuck did I get myself into....fuck me!! Moving here was probably not the smartest idea considering this chic used craigslist to post the listing :-O I probably should have posted "lookin for decent chic with place to live with, in exchange ill fuck the SHIT outta you every month like no ones business...must send picture in email" That's how u SUPPOSE to use craigslist! Then I coulda layed the pipe and have free rent! Ok now let's skip to sunday evening. I just got done playin modern warfare 2 and it was like 9pm. I get a text from this broad saying "hey I'm at the bar, come on over and shoot some pool with me" so I'm kinda hesitant and didn't really want to....so I'm like "I dunno maybe...who are u there with?" She wasn't there with ANYONE just by herself!!!!!!! Yeah so we're not an alcoholic at all! So I'm like fuck it ill go since its right down the street. I get there and she's racking the pool table, already drank half a pitcher of beer herself! So I ordered a pitcher for myself since she drinks piss water, bud light, which I can't stand. I'm like how long u been here for? She told me she just got there when she texted me. I'm like ooookkay then. So we played pool, for about 3 hours. A person who wants to play pool...u would THINK knows how to at least PLAY pool right!?? Or be decent? Yeah....this broad has NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! She just knows one person is stripes and the other is SOLIDS!! So I played by ACTUAL rules while I let her play "hit the ball and if it goes in it counts". So by now Ive drank a pitcher of beer and about 3 or 4 long islands. the tab was about 40 bucks and I offered to pay half...but she was so blitzed she's like "no! Just pay the tip" so I left a 10 spot (which wasn't that great of a tip but whatever its all the cash I had) So now we get back to the crib (by separate whips, but it was like a 2 min drive) and we r both trashed...this chic pours herself a jack n coke!!! She's already had a pitcher, and like 3 vodka n sprites. So I poured myself one cuz I didn't wanna look like a bitch. Let's write what happened next in parts...
1. Wrestled
2. I felt her up like a rapist (no I didn't RAPE, nor do I condone raping..isaid LIKE)
3. Made out on the couch while I tried to F her, but god denied cuz she's like "I don't think u can handle this!" Oh BTW broad is skinny (by my standards) prolly weighs a between a buck 110 and a buck twenny.
So after she said this I laughed in her face and said "ME?? Not Handle YOU????!! Ahha funniest thing I've ever heard! " Then I was like "cmon we should just get it over with...cuz i know u like me" then she's like "yeah I'm human I'm attracted to you!" I'm like woooowww this broad is soooooo sleazy!! Then I was like "ok then, then I grabbed her and tried to pull off her pants hahahah...yeah that wasn't the best thing to do..but anyway it should be well noted...this chic isn't that good lookin and I told my friends I wouldn't fuck her sober...I prolly would drunk tho" ahahaha so damn true tooo! Also its good I actually DIDN'T fuck her cuz my ass was fresh out da jimmy caps, and if did, I woulda tapped dat ass raw dog like DMX. Then my dick would feel like someone poured battery acid on it, and would have an unknown unheard of new STD that would have to be named after me "B.O.N.E.S" (Better Off Not Erect Syndrome) meaning every time your ass gets an erection, feels like your dicks on fire..but if u not erect u all good. Yeah but I went to bed like 430, 5am!? And its SUNDAY and I had work at 8am. Awesome...I woke up at 9am...look @ my watch "No fucking way!!!!!!!" I jumped outta bed faster than Tony the Tiger on meth!!! Which reminds me...I don't think he was eating frosted flakes....he was SNORTING frosted LINES! Or maybe the "frosted flakes" was really coke covered flakes. So yeah I get to work like almost 2 hours late!! We don't actually do work for the first 2 hours anyway...so it wasn't that big of a deal. U know I just space out for a good hour and half anyway....I'd say in any given day I do probably about 10 mins of good solid hard work! So that entire day I felt like 2 trains collided into me and took about 7 diarrhea dumps....my toilet was gettin more ass then a gay night club! Also when I got home that day...she was already wasted!!! She was "tryin" to show me how to cook pork on a charcoal grill. I don't think its the best idea to be drunk...and using lighter fluid, and fire. We have a porch outside and its WOODEN!! She was adding lighter fluid to the fucking already lit coals and flames would JUMP into the air right next to the wood!! She's tellin me not to worry cuz she's been doing this for years. I'm like okay if u say so. But really in the end she cooked some tasty ass honey mustered flavored pork!!! Hella props for the alcoholic broad who can cook drunk!! So after we ate I layed down and started to blog THIS very story u are reading right now!!!! Holy christ. My weekend was anything short of insane!! This is just blog one....I'm sure ill have more. But what I'm thinking of doing, is creating a twitter account called "ShitMyRoommateSays" kinda like this one guy who tweets what his dad says, and he calls it "ShitMyDadSays" its actually funny as fuck! Its this guy who's like 27, and his dad is really old..like late 60s early 70s and his dad lives with him. So every time he says something funny, he posts the quote on his twitter! So there u have it....oh I'm sorry need to mention a few things....remember in the beginning I stated she helps people in the hospital and tries to save lives!??? Would u REALLY want this crazy ass broad be the one to help you when u can't breathe or about to die!!!!????? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! That's y she lives in FL. Oh and in case your wondering y the fuck would someone like this who makes prob a lot of money live in an apartment and need a roommate??! Hahaha get ready...cuz I have this covered. And when I found out...it didn't surprise me in the LEAST!!! But still pretty fucked up. This is why:
* She had a DUI not long ago
* She is paying off student loans
* She is seeing a Psychiatrist
* Needs to pay for AA and a drug to help her quit smoking
I fucking shit u not this is the person I live with. Now let me leave you with a quote...or a TEXT, rather, she sent me LAST night!!! (Straight copy n paste)
"well get some sleep. its late. I kinda want to snuggle with u. Thats fucken weird, Right!" -Robyn
What the FUCK!?!!! Alrighty I'm done with this blog....so get @ me with your input/comments hahahah PZ Out Bloggers!!!
Let's start off by saying that she works 7pm-7am three days a week. She also likes to drink..and when I say drink..I mean she would make Artie Lange look like a fucking Jonas brother!! Shes always drunk!! I thought I was bad..holy fucking ass! Broad drinks during the day and when ever she has free time. I actually thought she was a hooker. Works odd hours, lives near the worst street called "OBT" and known for its hookers in orlando. And just hangin out wit random fucks! When I first moved in, she was getting ready to go out to a bar to see a band with sum guy. She wanted to know my opinion about her outfit..then she pulled out a flask and was like "where am I gunna put this? I don't have any pockets" I just laughed kinda like when your friend makes a dumb joke about your mom. But she gave me a blank stare like peter griffin! I'm like "ohh u were SERIOUS!? You're actually going to bring a flask to a bar!!? " She's like "yeah I'm not payin the outrageous prices there, u fuckin kiddin me?" I'm like oh okay if that's how u roll thas cool. (Which is actually smart..order like a soda mix your own shit...pretty good idea actually hahaha) But I don't know anyone who carries a damn flask around...especially a chic!! But anyhow the REAL story at hand is this past weekend. Saturday afternoon she comes home with a chic that has a black eye. The girl said she got beat up last night....so LOGICALLY I said "so what u got into a fight at a club or bar last night?" Then my roommate is like "no no no she's only 16." I'm like "ooohhhhh okay I see". Then I just kinda wondered away from the conversation but overheard them talkin about parties and drinking and somehow I heard "we gotta figure out a way to get you into the bar tonight" I'm like whhaaaaaattttttt !!?? While this conv is going on (Robyn is my roommate so ill use her name now instead of "my roommate") Robyn pours herself a jack n coke. It should be noted its about 2 or 3pm saturday. So I walk back into my room and I'm listening to an old school hip hop channel. The next song that comes on is called "I need Drugs" by this individual who calls himself Necro. So the 16 year old comes over to my room "hey I know this song...who does this? I'm like I actually forget..but its an older song" she's like "yeah yeah its called I need drugs right...I used to listen to this song and I know its older. " I was just like "yeah your right....I think its from the 90s". This song came out in 2000. 10 years ago. She was 6 for fuck sake!! I'd also like to point out she's not PR nor Black....she was this skinny blond hair white girl!! Ok so a 16 year old girl likes to drink...and does a lot of drugs apparently. Maybe this broad needs to make an appearance on MTV. What show!? Fuck if I know any show on mtv!?!? I don't watch MTV. Last time I watched that shit Carson Daily was hosting a show entitled "TRL" and massive kids would be in times square watching videos...holy shit!!! That's right VIDEOS!!!!!! Who woulda thought a television station with the word "music" in its title would really play music!?? That's a hard concept to grasp! But anyhow these 2 broads left short after and I'm like "have fun!" I had to fucking stop myself for a moment....damn what the fuck did I get myself into....fuck me!! Moving here was probably not the smartest idea considering this chic used craigslist to post the listing :-O I probably should have posted "lookin for decent chic with place to live with, in exchange ill fuck the SHIT outta you every month like no ones business...must send picture in email" That's how u SUPPOSE to use craigslist! Then I coulda layed the pipe and have free rent! Ok now let's skip to sunday evening. I just got done playin modern warfare 2 and it was like 9pm. I get a text from this broad saying "hey I'm at the bar, come on over and shoot some pool with me" so I'm kinda hesitant and didn't really want to....so I'm like "I dunno maybe...who are u there with?" She wasn't there with ANYONE just by herself!!!!!!! Yeah so we're not an alcoholic at all! So I'm like fuck it ill go since its right down the street. I get there and she's racking the pool table, already drank half a pitcher of beer herself! So I ordered a pitcher for myself since she drinks piss water, bud light, which I can't stand. I'm like how long u been here for? She told me she just got there when she texted me. I'm like ooookkay then. So we played pool, for about 3 hours. A person who wants to play pool...u would THINK knows how to at least PLAY pool right!?? Or be decent? Yeah....this broad has NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! She just knows one person is stripes and the other is SOLIDS!! So I played by ACTUAL rules while I let her play "hit the ball and if it goes in it counts". So by now Ive drank a pitcher of beer and about 3 or 4 long islands. the tab was about 40 bucks and I offered to pay half...but she was so blitzed she's like "no! Just pay the tip" so I left a 10 spot (which wasn't that great of a tip but whatever its all the cash I had) So now we get back to the crib (by separate whips, but it was like a 2 min drive) and we r both trashed...this chic pours herself a jack n coke!!! She's already had a pitcher, and like 3 vodka n sprites. So I poured myself one cuz I didn't wanna look like a bitch. Let's write what happened next in parts...
1. Wrestled
2. I felt her up like a rapist (no I didn't RAPE, nor do I condone raping..isaid LIKE)
3. Made out on the couch while I tried to F her, but god denied cuz she's like "I don't think u can handle this!" Oh BTW broad is skinny (by my standards) prolly weighs a between a buck 110 and a buck twenny.
So after she said this I laughed in her face and said "ME?? Not Handle YOU????!! Ahha funniest thing I've ever heard! " Then I was like "cmon we should just get it over with...cuz i know u like me" then she's like "yeah I'm human I'm attracted to you!" I'm like woooowww this broad is soooooo sleazy!! Then I was like "ok then, then I grabbed her and tried to pull off her pants hahahah...yeah that wasn't the best thing to do..but anyway it should be well noted...this chic isn't that good lookin and I told my friends I wouldn't fuck her sober...I prolly would drunk tho" ahahaha so damn true tooo! Also its good I actually DIDN'T fuck her cuz my ass was fresh out da jimmy caps, and if did, I woulda tapped dat ass raw dog like DMX. Then my dick would feel like someone poured battery acid on it, and would have an unknown unheard of new STD that would have to be named after me "B.O.N.E.S" (Better Off Not Erect Syndrome) meaning every time your ass gets an erection, feels like your dicks on fire..but if u not erect u all good. Yeah but I went to bed like 430, 5am!? And its SUNDAY and I had work at 8am. Awesome...I woke up at 9am...look @ my watch "No fucking way!!!!!!!" I jumped outta bed faster than Tony the Tiger on meth!!! Which reminds me...I don't think he was eating frosted flakes....he was SNORTING frosted LINES! Or maybe the "frosted flakes" was really coke covered flakes. So yeah I get to work like almost 2 hours late!! We don't actually do work for the first 2 hours anyway...so it wasn't that big of a deal. U know I just space out for a good hour and half anyway....I'd say in any given day I do probably about 10 mins of good solid hard work! So that entire day I felt like 2 trains collided into me and took about 7 diarrhea dumps....my toilet was gettin more ass then a gay night club! Also when I got home that day...she was already wasted!!! She was "tryin" to show me how to cook pork on a charcoal grill. I don't think its the best idea to be drunk...and using lighter fluid, and fire. We have a porch outside and its WOODEN!! She was adding lighter fluid to the fucking already lit coals and flames would JUMP into the air right next to the wood!! She's tellin me not to worry cuz she's been doing this for years. I'm like okay if u say so. But really in the end she cooked some tasty ass honey mustered flavored pork!!! Hella props for the alcoholic broad who can cook drunk!! So after we ate I layed down and started to blog THIS very story u are reading right now!!!! Holy christ. My weekend was anything short of insane!! This is just blog one....I'm sure ill have more. But what I'm thinking of doing, is creating a twitter account called "ShitMyRoommateSays" kinda like this one guy who tweets what his dad says, and he calls it "ShitMyDadSays" its actually funny as fuck! Its this guy who's like 27, and his dad is really old..like late 60s early 70s and his dad lives with him. So every time he says something funny, he posts the quote on his twitter! So there u have it....oh I'm sorry need to mention a few things....remember in the beginning I stated she helps people in the hospital and tries to save lives!??? Would u REALLY want this crazy ass broad be the one to help you when u can't breathe or about to die!!!!????? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! That's y she lives in FL. Oh and in case your wondering y the fuck would someone like this who makes prob a lot of money live in an apartment and need a roommate??! Hahaha get ready...cuz I have this covered. And when I found out...it didn't surprise me in the LEAST!!! But still pretty fucked up. This is why:
* She had a DUI not long ago
* She is paying off student loans
* She is seeing a Psychiatrist
* Needs to pay for AA and a drug to help her quit smoking
I fucking shit u not this is the person I live with. Now let me leave you with a quote...or a TEXT, rather, she sent me LAST night!!! (Straight copy n paste)
"well get some sleep. its late. I kinda want to snuggle with u. Thats fucken weird, Right!" -Robyn
What the FUCK!?!!! Alrighty I'm done with this blog....so get @ me with your input/comments hahahah PZ Out Bloggers!!!
Friday, December 25, 2009
What Decade is this...
Alright. Think of Billy Joel when you read the following:
Berlin Wall, Golf War, Invasion of Kuwait, World Wide Web
No More Soviet Union, Internet more popular then the television,
Hubble Telescope, sheep getting cloned, high on smack and dope
PCP, PCs, CDs, DVDs, and MP3s, high speed DSL, and watching Keenan and Kel
Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, Mortal Komat, Pokemon, Doom and Quake, then Sony PlayStation Rules all of this.
Microsoft Windows, Politicians doing Blow, Al Gore, MTV, still at war, Clinton caught with a whore.
Hip Hop, pop music, Britney SPears, Outing Queers, n Sync and Backstreet boys while Goth Music is considered noise,
Princess Di, Dr Suess, River Phoenix, John Candy, Richard Nixon, Red Foxx And Bob Ross
George Burns, Biggie Smalls, 2pac, Mickey Mantel and Joe Dimaggio
Kurt Cobain BLEW HIMSELF AWAY, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!
Movies using GGI, Jurassic Park, Titanic, Terminator 2, Toy Story 1 and 2, Star Wars flicks, doin crazy tricks in The Matrix
Independence Day, CG Alien, Forrest Gump along with Lieutenant Dan.
Tiger Woods, Ken Griffey Jr, Tanya Harding, Nancy Karagen, and Michael Jordans back again
Shaquille O Niel, Courts Appeal, steroids, Venus and Serena, Wachovia gets its own arena
Lance Armstrong, Wayne Gretzky, Sosa n McGuire fighting for the top, while WcW is a Flop.
Magic Johnsons HIV, crazy Charles Barkley, Dennis Rodmans hair, i dont really frickin care!
Soccer moms, mini vans, SUVs and Beanie Babies
Talking Furbies, Tickle Me Elmo, Tai Chi and also fighting Tai Bo.
Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Breakfast Cereals, Beavis and Butt Head, bad movies like Judge Dred.
Seinfeld, Baywatch, AL Bundy, and Friends, x-files is sci-fi, Simpsons and the Family Guy.
I will have an update for '00-'09. All the shit that happened then. :-)
Berlin Wall, Golf War, Invasion of Kuwait, World Wide Web
No More Soviet Union, Internet more popular then the television,
Hubble Telescope, sheep getting cloned, high on smack and dope
PCP, PCs, CDs, DVDs, and MP3s, high speed DSL, and watching Keenan and Kel
Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, Mortal Komat, Pokemon, Doom and Quake, then Sony PlayStation Rules all of this.
Microsoft Windows, Politicians doing Blow, Al Gore, MTV, still at war, Clinton caught with a whore.
Hip Hop, pop music, Britney SPears, Outing Queers, n Sync and Backstreet boys while Goth Music is considered noise,
Princess Di, Dr Suess, River Phoenix, John Candy, Richard Nixon, Red Foxx And Bob Ross
George Burns, Biggie Smalls, 2pac, Mickey Mantel and Joe Dimaggio
Kurt Cobain BLEW HIMSELF AWAY, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!
Movies using GGI, Jurassic Park, Titanic, Terminator 2, Toy Story 1 and 2, Star Wars flicks, doin crazy tricks in The Matrix
Independence Day, CG Alien, Forrest Gump along with Lieutenant Dan.
Tiger Woods, Ken Griffey Jr, Tanya Harding, Nancy Karagen, and Michael Jordans back again
Shaquille O Niel, Courts Appeal, steroids, Venus and Serena, Wachovia gets its own arena
Lance Armstrong, Wayne Gretzky, Sosa n McGuire fighting for the top, while WcW is a Flop.
Magic Johnsons HIV, crazy Charles Barkley, Dennis Rodmans hair, i dont really frickin care!
Soccer moms, mini vans, SUVs and Beanie Babies
Talking Furbies, Tickle Me Elmo, Tai Chi and also fighting Tai Bo.
Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Breakfast Cereals, Beavis and Butt Head, bad movies like Judge Dred.
Seinfeld, Baywatch, AL Bundy, and Friends, x-files is sci-fi, Simpsons and the Family Guy.
I will have an update for '00-'09. All the shit that happened then. :-)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I Remember....
Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the american tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!
Let's fast forward to the current date
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, upload it to Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.
Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"
"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "
I remember great stuff like nick at night
and no one promoting any internet site
Biff always wanted to know if anybody was home
While u played with a NERF toy made outta foam.
Parents never let u see an R rated tape
So u watched cartoons in your superman cape
U can't forget those raisins who heard it through the gape vine
And Marty McFly going back in time
Along with McGruff tellin you to take a bite outta crime.
I Remember videos actually played on MTV
And that crazy VJ named Bill Bellamy
The boys used to love watchin their Rock n Jock
While all the girls went nuts for New Kids on the Block
U said off the wall things from beavis n butt-head
and thought everything was "EXCELLENT!" from Bill and Ted
Let's go back to when lucas was the only one to own the power glove,
And the big kids in arcades showing u no love.
Bart Simpson would always say, "don't have a cow man!"
And Al Bundy had his own club called "No Ma'am"
Now u sit back and watch re-runs of Viva La Bam
Toll booth willie always wanted u to pay,
then his customers would curse at him and drive away
Everyone was amazed by Jurassic Park,
Then you went to bed after the show Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Everyone knew Denver was the last dinosaur,
And the guy sayin "Buler" was such a bore.
GI Joe taught you that knowing is half the battle,
Then this show Hey Dude showed u how to ride a saddle.
Camp Anawanna, we hold you in a hearts,
But there was no way you would share your favorite pop-tarts
I remember that tasty gum named bubble yum
and when kids wore these shirts that read B.U.M.
I can't say I was coo coo for cocoa puffs
But I do remember pee wee gettin hauled away in hand cuffs.
And I bet no one remembers the sarcasm of Christian Slater in that movie Kuffs
Bob Saget always showed you home videos,
And that animated bee always wanted u to buy his cheerios!
Go on an adventure with Chip n Dales
Then stay for scrooge mcduck and his duck tails
Jim Henson was known for his fraggle rock
Then on halloween you dressed up like a silverhawk
Levar Burton didn't want you to take his word for it,
But MC Hammer thought he was too legit to quit.
I remember when Kriss Kross wanted to make you jump,
And everyone had to have the latest Reebok pump
Just when you thought u could drop outta school
Mr T would step in and Pitty the Fool!
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the american tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!
Let's fast forward to the current date
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, upload it to Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.
Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"
"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "
I remember great stuff like nick at night
and no one promoting any internet site
Biff always wanted to know if anybody was home
While u played with a NERF toy made outta foam.
Parents never let u see an R rated tape
So u watched cartoons in your superman cape
U can't forget those raisins who heard it through the gape vine
And Marty McFly going back in time
Along with McGruff tellin you to take a bite outta crime.
I Remember videos actually played on MTV
And that crazy VJ named Bill Bellamy
The boys used to love watchin their Rock n Jock
While all the girls went nuts for New Kids on the Block
U said off the wall things from beavis n butt-head
and thought everything was "EXCELLENT!" from Bill and Ted
Let's go back to when lucas was the only one to own the power glove,
And the big kids in arcades showing u no love.
Bart Simpson would always say, "don't have a cow man!"
And Al Bundy had his own club called "No Ma'am"
Now u sit back and watch re-runs of Viva La Bam
Toll booth willie always wanted u to pay,
then his customers would curse at him and drive away
Everyone was amazed by Jurassic Park,
Then you went to bed after the show Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Everyone knew Denver was the last dinosaur,
And the guy sayin "Buler" was such a bore.
GI Joe taught you that knowing is half the battle,
Then this show Hey Dude showed u how to ride a saddle.
Camp Anawanna, we hold you in a hearts,
But there was no way you would share your favorite pop-tarts
I remember that tasty gum named bubble yum
and when kids wore these shirts that read B.U.M.
I can't say I was coo coo for cocoa puffs
But I do remember pee wee gettin hauled away in hand cuffs.
And I bet no one remembers the sarcasm of Christian Slater in that movie Kuffs
Bob Saget always showed you home videos,
And that animated bee always wanted u to buy his cheerios!
Go on an adventure with Chip n Dales
Then stay for scrooge mcduck and his duck tails
Jim Henson was known for his fraggle rock
Then on halloween you dressed up like a silverhawk
Levar Burton didn't want you to take his word for it,
But MC Hammer thought he was too legit to quit.
I remember when Kriss Kross wanted to make you jump,
And everyone had to have the latest Reebok pump
Just when you thought u could drop outta school
Mr T would step in and Pitty the Fool!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
"REALITY" Shows That Are NOT REAL
This blog is going to be about those shitty shows you see on TV that are called "reality" when in fact they should be called "Advanced Game Shows". There is nothing REAL about douche bags living in a house or on an island with cameras on and doing "challenges". Since when would u and a roommate live together, then all of a sudden, get a letter on your door from your landlord stating you and your roommate MUST dress as the village people and go down town and try to collect money for Gay Rights. And if you didn't you would get kicked out. Pretty sure that hasn't happened to me. although i might have gotten a similar note saying if i dont pay $700 by the 1st, i can start looking for other places to live" Ive been watching NBC lately and ive seen these adds for this "SHOW" and im using that term SHOW very LOOSELY because its called "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" Funny because when i saw the add on TV, i didnt see ANY "celebrities". I seriously thought it was a joke show, since i was watching conan when i saw it. Then during the commercial break i see an add for it AGAIN....im like no FUCKING WAY this is a REAL SHOW?!?!?!???? SO i went to NBC.com and saw it was one of NBCs new shows in their line up! WOWW SO i clicked on it, and i shit u not, this is the cast of "Celebrities" that are given:
Heidi Montag
Janice Dickinson
John Salley
Lou Diamond Phillips
Sanjaya Malakar
Spencer Pratt
Patti Blagojevich
Stephen Baldwin
Torrie Wilson
and finally,
Frangela
Now, ive HEARD of some of these people and based from THIS "lineup" of people ive NEVER heard of 4 of those people. NONE of these people have done ANY movies (well maybe except for Stephen Baldwin, but when the FUCK did u ever go "oh yeah that movie with Stephen Baldwin was fucking EPIC! if you did his role was VERY small and it was well over 10 years ago which hardly qualifies this douche has a celebrity) Now lets break down this list of people. (btw, i had to WIKI like 60% these people to find out WTF they where in or are "FAMOUS" for)
Heidi Montag- stupid ass blond broad on this FAKE tv show called THE HILLS that everyone knows is SCRIPTED and not a REAL "reality show" (this person isnt a celebrity, since this show is FAKE)
Janice Dickinson- An Ugly ass old broad who ironically has been on a show called Americas Next Top Model and judges woman who are more then half her age to say if they are models are not, when SHE herself looks like a fucking DEAD FISH trying to breathe that last breath of air after its been caught. (this person is not a celebrity by being able to tell if other woman are models are not)
John Salley- This guy i actually USE to like, hes a former NBA basketball player and use to be on a show called "BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD" which was really good. (this person doesn't qualify as a celebrity because all this guy does is sports shows, and use to play for the NBA.
Lou Diamond Phillips- guy was popular in the 80s and 90s for TV and shitty movies....yeah maybe if this was the 80s or 90s he COULD qualify as a celebrity, but its 2009, so um.....NO
Sanjaya Malakar- All this guy is known for is being a REALLY shitty singer on American Idol a few seasons ago and somehow got 7th place due to fuck faces voting for a terrible person as a joke. And shitty i really mean absolutely terrible. Like if this guy where to sing in front of Record Label excecs, they would want to have who ever gave this guy a microphone murdered....Saprono Style. This guy gets my vote as "THE FUCK OUTTA HERE" for a celebrity.
Spencer Pratt- again, ANOTHER guy from this stupid ass show called THE HILLS, a FAKE reality show that is scripted and the acting is terrible. BTW, if u ever watch this AWESOME TV show on E! called THE SOUP, this fella Spencer gets made fun of CONSTANTLY just about EVERY episode and is known for his "Creepy Flesh Colored Beard" NO NO NO and NO as a celebrity
Patti Blagojevich- Wife of a former CROOKED politician Rod Blagojevich, you know that stupid cock face that has a wig that looks like the ass end of a skunk?!! HOW IN THE FLYING ASS COCK is this stupid cunt even REMOTELY considered as a goddamn CELEBRITY!!!??!!! jesus H christ!
Stephen Baldwin- ummm yeah enough said
Torrie Wilson- apparently shes famous for being on WWE. I dont watch wresting. SO i guess she was popular in the early 2000s then did a shoot for playboy. Oh yeah that DEFINITELY qualifies her as a celebrity. The ONLY reason she was on WWE is cuz shes got a GREAT body, is blond so all the little boys watching could get a hard on and would tune in to watch just for her. NEAT. yeah super, any dumb fucking broad can do that
Frangela- Anyone know? i really have no idea....i tried to wiki this broad said she does comedy and was featured on that show BEST WEEK EVER....u know...shit thats on VH1....VH1 a Reality show channel that USE to compete in the 80s and 90s with MTV playing these things called umm... MUSIC VIDEOS. for you people that where born in the late 80s and only remember MTV...the VH1 stood for "Video Hits #1" oh and on a side note......MTV actually stands for "Music Television" they need to just change that to RSTV, or STV, meaning Really Shitty TV, or Shitty TV. Last time i watched MTV, Carson Daily was Hosting this VIDEO show entitled Total Request Live. aka TRL
Well there u have the "STARTING LINE UP" of complete non-celebrities. This show should actually be called one of 3 things:
"Im NOT a Celebrity, GET Me Off TV!!"
"Im NOT a Celebrity, NO ONE CARES!"
"THIS IS A BULL SHIT SHOW ONLY DUMB FUCKS WILL WATCH!!"
FYI, NBC is the LAST PLACE network, and putting THIS on TV, executives think people will watch this?! Well....im sorry....thats my fault, this is america.... 90% of Americans are fucking retarded and have an IQ lower then their shoe size. So if its on TV people will watch it.....i just dont fall into the 90% i fall into the 10%, and if your reading this....im putting YOU into the 10% as well cuz you prolly know me perosnally and have common sense ;-)
Heidi Montag
Janice Dickinson
John Salley
Lou Diamond Phillips
Sanjaya Malakar
Spencer Pratt
Patti Blagojevich
Stephen Baldwin
Torrie Wilson
and finally,
Frangela
Now, ive HEARD of some of these people and based from THIS "lineup" of people ive NEVER heard of 4 of those people. NONE of these people have done ANY movies (well maybe except for Stephen Baldwin, but when the FUCK did u ever go "oh yeah that movie with Stephen Baldwin was fucking EPIC! if you did his role was VERY small and it was well over 10 years ago which hardly qualifies this douche has a celebrity) Now lets break down this list of people. (btw, i had to WIKI like 60% these people to find out WTF they where in or are "FAMOUS" for)
Heidi Montag- stupid ass blond broad on this FAKE tv show called THE HILLS that everyone knows is SCRIPTED and not a REAL "reality show" (this person isnt a celebrity, since this show is FAKE)
Janice Dickinson- An Ugly ass old broad who ironically has been on a show called Americas Next Top Model and judges woman who are more then half her age to say if they are models are not, when SHE herself looks like a fucking DEAD FISH trying to breathe that last breath of air after its been caught. (this person is not a celebrity by being able to tell if other woman are models are not)
John Salley- This guy i actually USE to like, hes a former NBA basketball player and use to be on a show called "BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD" which was really good. (this person doesn't qualify as a celebrity because all this guy does is sports shows, and use to play for the NBA.
Lou Diamond Phillips- guy was popular in the 80s and 90s for TV and shitty movies....yeah maybe if this was the 80s or 90s he COULD qualify as a celebrity, but its 2009, so um.....NO
Sanjaya Malakar- All this guy is known for is being a REALLY shitty singer on American Idol a few seasons ago and somehow got 7th place due to fuck faces voting for a terrible person as a joke. And shitty i really mean absolutely terrible. Like if this guy where to sing in front of Record Label excecs, they would want to have who ever gave this guy a microphone murdered....Saprono Style. This guy gets my vote as "THE FUCK OUTTA HERE" for a celebrity.
Spencer Pratt- again, ANOTHER guy from this stupid ass show called THE HILLS, a FAKE reality show that is scripted and the acting is terrible. BTW, if u ever watch this AWESOME TV show on E! called THE SOUP, this fella Spencer gets made fun of CONSTANTLY just about EVERY episode and is known for his "Creepy Flesh Colored Beard" NO NO NO and NO as a celebrity
Patti Blagojevich- Wife of a former CROOKED politician Rod Blagojevich, you know that stupid cock face that has a wig that looks like the ass end of a skunk?!! HOW IN THE FLYING ASS COCK is this stupid cunt even REMOTELY considered as a goddamn CELEBRITY!!!??!!! jesus H christ!
Stephen Baldwin- ummm yeah enough said
Torrie Wilson- apparently shes famous for being on WWE. I dont watch wresting. SO i guess she was popular in the early 2000s then did a shoot for playboy. Oh yeah that DEFINITELY qualifies her as a celebrity. The ONLY reason she was on WWE is cuz shes got a GREAT body, is blond so all the little boys watching could get a hard on and would tune in to watch just for her. NEAT. yeah super, any dumb fucking broad can do that
Frangela- Anyone know? i really have no idea....i tried to wiki this broad said she does comedy and was featured on that show BEST WEEK EVER....u know...shit thats on VH1....VH1 a Reality show channel that USE to compete in the 80s and 90s with MTV playing these things called umm... MUSIC VIDEOS. for you people that where born in the late 80s and only remember MTV...the VH1 stood for "Video Hits #1" oh and on a side note......MTV actually stands for "Music Television" they need to just change that to RSTV, or STV, meaning Really Shitty TV, or Shitty TV. Last time i watched MTV, Carson Daily was Hosting this VIDEO show entitled Total Request Live. aka TRL
Well there u have the "STARTING LINE UP" of complete non-celebrities. This show should actually be called one of 3 things:
"Im NOT a Celebrity, GET Me Off TV!!"
"Im NOT a Celebrity, NO ONE CARES!"
"THIS IS A BULL SHIT SHOW ONLY DUMB FUCKS WILL WATCH!!"
FYI, NBC is the LAST PLACE network, and putting THIS on TV, executives think people will watch this?! Well....im sorry....thats my fault, this is america.... 90% of Americans are fucking retarded and have an IQ lower then their shoe size. So if its on TV people will watch it.....i just dont fall into the 90% i fall into the 10%, and if your reading this....im putting YOU into the 10% as well cuz you prolly know me perosnally and have common sense ;-)
Monday, May 25, 2009
New NBA Rules*
What's up bloggers. I'm really pissed off so I figure Ill write a blog while I lie in bed here writing this on my BlackBerry. Yes that's correct. I don't need a $3,000 Mac Book Pro, or sit out side a gay starbucks drinking a frappafuckachino while I think I look important on a laptop. No sir!! I'm in the dark doing it from a BlackBerry!!!
So I've been keeping up with the NBA eastern conference finals. Orlando and Cleveland. Both teams are very good, but Orlando is prolly the king of comebacks! And since I'm residing in Orlando, naturally ill be routing for them, and also cuz they are the underdog. There has been 3 games and orlando is ahead 2-1. If u watched any of those games...the officials have been calling the most asinine calls. Someone farts the wrong way, you'll get called for a technical foul. My condolences to Dwight Howard for refs calling ridiculous stuff on him. Guy coughs and is called for technical left and right. If your not familiar with NBA rules (and believe me I'm still learning..read on to find out new ones) , if u get 7 technical fouls (during a season but in this case the finals) u must sit out an entire game. Refs have called 5 technical bullshits in only THREE games on Howard!!! I really think someone payed off the refs so LeBron can play in the final game so NBA can promote him and make money the only way they know how: being greedy jew fuck faces! "Oh we can't have Dwight Howard play in the Finals..he plays on Orlando...pshhh orlando not a profitable team..fuck that!" Watching the officiating was like going to a "basketball school for referees" and these guys where officiating their very 1st game for an elementary school. Christ I could have put ray charles and stevie wonder in these games and they could have done better job then these clowns!!! I'm not really sure they fully understood the game of "basketball". maybe they thought they where going to ref an ice hockey game? Or football? I'm not sure. Because 2 games ago a cat from clev. (After making his own shot) threw the basketball at dwight howard's back when he wasn't looking. I don't care if u play basketball in iraq, underground in a cave with a hoop...that's a technical!! For some reason "no one saw what happened" or maybe they thought it was an "incomplete pass, turnover!" I also didn't know that if your name is LeBron James you where aloud to swap away a ball just before it falls into the hoop. Maybe cuz he wears "23" you are allowed to do what ever u want. Along with lebran missing a layup, then after he misses we call the foul. That's a new one as well. I also discovered a new rule in basketball....that ONLY if ur name is Dwight Howard if u block shots without touching a player while behind the 3pt line and hitting only the ball....u can be called for a foul...and LeBron gets 3 free shots. I'm ALSO learning another cool rule that accidentally elbowing another player in the face while in MID-AIR, is an intentional flagrant 2...then put down to intentional flagrant 1 after reviewing the replay. I felt bad for the cat on Cleveland but....umm wow really?? "Intentional" while in mid air!!?? AFTER reviewing the play???? Did those guys see what WE saw? Did the goofy computer tech add CGI at the last minute?? There might also be a new rule where players who play on Cleveland are allowed to take THREE steps from above the key while holding the ball going to the hoop...I'm not 100% on that one but am double checking my sources. Alright. I've been watching basketball since I was like 7.......I've never seen so much bull shit in only 3 games. The NBA wants to keep Dwight Howard off the court as much as possible. So I predict in game 4 thell call 2 more technical fouls so he can sit out for the entire game 5. Lebron will fake like he was hit in the face and the refs will buy into it like a rich stupid fuck tourist! Then I'm sure they'll make up some stupid crazy shit call where the old ass sport caster goes "ohh woww...I haven't seen that called since '63 when (insert name u haven't heard in ages here) was playing!! I didn't know that was still in the rule book!!" And then you'll see in on sports center for like 3 weeks!! Or maybe you won't cuz the NBA will pay off Stuart Scott not to make any wise cracking jokes! In any case, I really hope the "officials" in the next game take their thongs out of their asses, put on their Larry King seeing glasses and throw away the money that was given too them and ref a FAIR GAME. Let's just once pretend LeBron James wasn't giving you falatio before the game!! Call me old fashon but I'd like to see a fair game without the magic working 50X's harder just to get around 658052 terrible calls!!! I'm pretty sure LeBran doesn't go into the locker room crying like a Kobe (my new word for bitch) after losing a game. LeBron is a mild manner cat, its not like he's gunna start attacking people just cuz he LOST coughKOBEcough. Sorry had to clear my congested throat. Gotta get that checked. Well I think that pretty much does it for this rant/blog/story/news update. Until next time, u might just have yourself thinking: "NBA, Where Ridiculous Happens!"
So I've been keeping up with the NBA eastern conference finals. Orlando and Cleveland. Both teams are very good, but Orlando is prolly the king of comebacks! And since I'm residing in Orlando, naturally ill be routing for them, and also cuz they are the underdog. There has been 3 games and orlando is ahead 2-1. If u watched any of those games...the officials have been calling the most asinine calls. Someone farts the wrong way, you'll get called for a technical foul. My condolences to Dwight Howard for refs calling ridiculous stuff on him. Guy coughs and is called for technical left and right. If your not familiar with NBA rules (and believe me I'm still learning..read on to find out new ones) , if u get 7 technical fouls (during a season but in this case the finals) u must sit out an entire game. Refs have called 5 technical bullshits in only THREE games on Howard!!! I really think someone payed off the refs so LeBron can play in the final game so NBA can promote him and make money the only way they know how: being greedy jew fuck faces! "Oh we can't have Dwight Howard play in the Finals..he plays on Orlando...pshhh orlando not a profitable team..fuck that!" Watching the officiating was like going to a "basketball school for referees" and these guys where officiating their very 1st game for an elementary school. Christ I could have put ray charles and stevie wonder in these games and they could have done better job then these clowns!!! I'm not really sure they fully understood the game of "basketball". maybe they thought they where going to ref an ice hockey game? Or football? I'm not sure. Because 2 games ago a cat from clev. (After making his own shot) threw the basketball at dwight howard's back when he wasn't looking. I don't care if u play basketball in iraq, underground in a cave with a hoop...that's a technical!! For some reason "no one saw what happened" or maybe they thought it was an "incomplete pass, turnover!" I also didn't know that if your name is LeBron James you where aloud to swap away a ball just before it falls into the hoop. Maybe cuz he wears "23" you are allowed to do what ever u want. Along with lebran missing a layup, then after he misses we call the foul. That's a new one as well. I also discovered a new rule in basketball....that ONLY if ur name is Dwight Howard if u block shots without touching a player while behind the 3pt line and hitting only the ball....u can be called for a foul...and LeBron gets 3 free shots. I'm ALSO learning another cool rule that accidentally elbowing another player in the face while in MID-AIR, is an intentional flagrant 2...then put down to intentional flagrant 1 after reviewing the replay. I felt bad for the cat on Cleveland but....umm wow really?? "Intentional" while in mid air!!?? AFTER reviewing the play???? Did those guys see what WE saw? Did the goofy computer tech add CGI at the last minute?? There might also be a new rule where players who play on Cleveland are allowed to take THREE steps from above the key while holding the ball going to the hoop...I'm not 100% on that one but am double checking my sources. Alright. I've been watching basketball since I was like 7.......I've never seen so much bull shit in only 3 games. The NBA wants to keep Dwight Howard off the court as much as possible. So I predict in game 4 thell call 2 more technical fouls so he can sit out for the entire game 5. Lebron will fake like he was hit in the face and the refs will buy into it like a rich stupid fuck tourist! Then I'm sure they'll make up some stupid crazy shit call where the old ass sport caster goes "ohh woww...I haven't seen that called since '63 when (insert name u haven't heard in ages here) was playing!! I didn't know that was still in the rule book!!" And then you'll see in on sports center for like 3 weeks!! Or maybe you won't cuz the NBA will pay off Stuart Scott not to make any wise cracking jokes! In any case, I really hope the "officials" in the next game take their thongs out of their asses, put on their Larry King seeing glasses and throw away the money that was given too them and ref a FAIR GAME. Let's just once pretend LeBron James wasn't giving you falatio before the game!! Call me old fashon but I'd like to see a fair game without the magic working 50X's harder just to get around 658052 terrible calls!!! I'm pretty sure LeBran doesn't go into the locker room crying like a Kobe (my new word for bitch) after losing a game. LeBron is a mild manner cat, its not like he's gunna start attacking people just cuz he LOST coughKOBEcough. Sorry had to clear my congested throat. Gotta get that checked. Well I think that pretty much does it for this rant/blog/story/news update. Until next time, u might just have yourself thinking: "NBA, Where Ridiculous Happens!"
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Way of My Life
Ok, this might shock some people or even might make some people look at me differently. But I wrote the following in about an hour or so. Its just what I have going thru and I chose to express myself this way, and not just a rant. So here it is, enjoy and make some comments either at the bottom or on facebook to tell me what u thought.
can't understand the reality of my life, just don't wanna put down this jagged ass knife, can't even find me a nice girl to make my wife. As I look through the other side of this window pane, all I feel is sadness and pain, everyday seems like clouds of rain. Livin this way makes me go really insane. When I look into the future I never picture success, because all my life I've been a damn mess.
Even when I try really hard i just don't seem to progress.
Every year goes by like hands on a clock,
You just cant live life as if it were a boardwalk.
Ten years just went by like a speedin car
I feel that my life is just sub par
No one really gives a damn if you too go far
I wish I could go back to when I was a child
Back when I was really wild
A time when things were a lot more carefree
When I didn't care about a college degree
I'm talkin about no cell phone calls and pages
Back when people slaved for minimum wages
When I thought being 30 wasn't for ages
Now its twenty oh nine
And I'm 27 and almost past my prime
Things seem really bad to where I can't even save a dime
All I can do is sit here wasting time while I put out another rhyme.
When I come to reality it sure is scary
Its like the 2000 election and results may vary.
I wake up in the morning just like everyone else does
Only problem is that I don't seem to go anywhere and my life is sittin here on pause.
I don't think its normal to think about death every single day
Or if I killed myself what people would say
Some think kurt cobaine had the wrong answer to the question
But is not caring if you die a sad impression?
Or maybe its just a crazy obsession.
Last time I was happy it was 2003
And ryan seacrest was new to TV
Things for me just went to hell after that
I just went nowhere in no time flat
I drank more then a kid who joined a frat
Downing drinks made life temporarily great,
Little did I know it could decide my fate.
Every job I've had I've been fired from
DUIs and fuckin random girls may seem dumb
But back then I was walkin to the beat of a different drum.
I would drink myself until my whole body was numb
Still I couldn't make enough money to even support a bum.
I knew I couldn't live like this very long,
So I packed all my shit cuz I didn't belong
Moved to the good ol sunshine state
A place where I could start a clean slate
I found myself a nice job and a place to call my own, a place as big as the georgia dome.
I made a few friends but nothing like the ones I had at home.
3 years later I'm back at square one
No job, and nothin I do is any fun.
Some people think I'm silly
But I really wanna move back with my boys in philly.
I'd rather go back to the good ol days
Drinkin beers on weekends and catchin some rays.
Not being thousands of miles from people who care, cuz finding friends like I have is pretty damn rare.
If I had only one goal, it would be to find myself real happiness inside my own soul.
can't understand the reality of my life, just don't wanna put down this jagged ass knife, can't even find me a nice girl to make my wife. As I look through the other side of this window pane, all I feel is sadness and pain, everyday seems like clouds of rain. Livin this way makes me go really insane. When I look into the future I never picture success, because all my life I've been a damn mess.
Even when I try really hard i just don't seem to progress.
Every year goes by like hands on a clock,
You just cant live life as if it were a boardwalk.
Ten years just went by like a speedin car
I feel that my life is just sub par
No one really gives a damn if you too go far
I wish I could go back to when I was a child
Back when I was really wild
A time when things were a lot more carefree
When I didn't care about a college degree
I'm talkin about no cell phone calls and pages
Back when people slaved for minimum wages
When I thought being 30 wasn't for ages
Now its twenty oh nine
And I'm 27 and almost past my prime
Things seem really bad to where I can't even save a dime
All I can do is sit here wasting time while I put out another rhyme.
When I come to reality it sure is scary
Its like the 2000 election and results may vary.
I wake up in the morning just like everyone else does
Only problem is that I don't seem to go anywhere and my life is sittin here on pause.
I don't think its normal to think about death every single day
Or if I killed myself what people would say
Some think kurt cobaine had the wrong answer to the question
But is not caring if you die a sad impression?
Or maybe its just a crazy obsession.
Last time I was happy it was 2003
And ryan seacrest was new to TV
Things for me just went to hell after that
I just went nowhere in no time flat
I drank more then a kid who joined a frat
Downing drinks made life temporarily great,
Little did I know it could decide my fate.
Every job I've had I've been fired from
DUIs and fuckin random girls may seem dumb
But back then I was walkin to the beat of a different drum.
I would drink myself until my whole body was numb
Still I couldn't make enough money to even support a bum.
I knew I couldn't live like this very long,
So I packed all my shit cuz I didn't belong
Moved to the good ol sunshine state
A place where I could start a clean slate
I found myself a nice job and a place to call my own, a place as big as the georgia dome.
I made a few friends but nothing like the ones I had at home.
3 years later I'm back at square one
No job, and nothin I do is any fun.
Some people think I'm silly
But I really wanna move back with my boys in philly.
I'd rather go back to the good ol days
Drinkin beers on weekends and catchin some rays.
Not being thousands of miles from people who care, cuz finding friends like I have is pretty damn rare.
If I had only one goal, it would be to find myself real happiness inside my own soul.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I Remember......
Alright boys n girls this isnt going to be my traditional blog, in fact you wont even see ONE CURSE WORD here....yes REALLY! This is not going to be about "my crazy life" and this posting actually has nothing to do with me being mad ticked off or even anything to do with me. I wrote the following based on what it was like to live back in the good old days and comparing it to what things are like now......and this is why i chose the title "I Remember" so you can go back to when things where simple and care free. So here you are, enjoy and reminisce:
Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
I Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the American Tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!
Let's fast forward to the current race
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, just upload it to a site named Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.
Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
Unfortunately this aint the movies and there is no john McClain
Twin Towers got hit, and thousands of people where slain,
Friends and families couldn’t deal with the suffer and pain
Innocent people saying their last words on that airplane
People still have bumper stickers that say I Remember
For that tragic day back in September
I remember when the president had no concept of politics,
Because this entire country has fell like a ton of bricks
We now have a guy who can finally understand,
Hopefully tryin to get the terrible back in hand
Its like the great depression with this economy,
People with no work is a crazy tragedy.
Even people who do have great jobs,
Might end up in that infamous “meeting with the bobs”
And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"
"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "
I don’t see how a guy named weezy calls himself “the best rapper alive”
This guy is worse then a bad skit on Saturday Night Live.
I remember when Hip-hop had true meaning and you could always relate
Id rather not listen to anything in its current state
I hope you rappers go away faster then an episode of elimidate.
I didnt write this to be famous but more to inspire
Not trying to be big and build an empire.
Just wanna be remembered for something before i can retire.
And just before I head to the big place in the sky,
Just want to let everyone know even they can get a good piece of the pie.
All you have to do is work hard, and do the best you can and give it a try.
There it is. I hope people can keep the spirit of "i remember" alive. If you liked what you read and thought i was good...please give me your input, i greatly appreciate it. THANKS!!!
Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
I Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the American Tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!
Let's fast forward to the current race
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, just upload it to a site named Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.
Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
Unfortunately this aint the movies and there is no john McClain
Twin Towers got hit, and thousands of people where slain,
Friends and families couldn’t deal with the suffer and pain
Innocent people saying their last words on that airplane
People still have bumper stickers that say I Remember
For that tragic day back in September
I remember when the president had no concept of politics,
Because this entire country has fell like a ton of bricks
We now have a guy who can finally understand,
Hopefully tryin to get the terrible back in hand
Its like the great depression with this economy,
People with no work is a crazy tragedy.
Even people who do have great jobs,
Might end up in that infamous “meeting with the bobs”
And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"
"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "
I don’t see how a guy named weezy calls himself “the best rapper alive”
This guy is worse then a bad skit on Saturday Night Live.
I remember when Hip-hop had true meaning and you could always relate
Id rather not listen to anything in its current state
I hope you rappers go away faster then an episode of elimidate.
I didnt write this to be famous but more to inspire
Not trying to be big and build an empire.
Just wanna be remembered for something before i can retire.
And just before I head to the big place in the sky,
Just want to let everyone know even they can get a good piece of the pie.
All you have to do is work hard, and do the best you can and give it a try.
There it is. I hope people can keep the spirit of "i remember" alive. If you liked what you read and thought i was good...please give me your input, i greatly appreciate it. THANKS!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
JD Power and Associates
Have you ever watched tv or listen to the radio (yes such format STILL exists) and then you hear something like "....was rated #1 by JD Power and Associates..." I would like to go head and really dis-agree with that....cuz its probably more like "ok yeah our product really sucks ass....but at LEAST we have it rated #1 by a totally USELESS company that no one even knows who or what the fuck they even do!" Well guess what...im here today to fill you in on such information. Now before you fuckers "wiki" this company or start saying shit like "wow u dont know what they do?" im not here to LITERALLY fucking tell you EXACTLY what they do....or this blog would be...well pointless to YOU and me....cuz who the hell wants to read about such ridiculous fat hog seman. SO im gunna give you a typical run-down secnerio of what goes on at the company. First let me start off with the name......JD... POWER AND Associates? well the only conclusion i can come to is the JD stand for Jack Daniels because that what they are ALWAYS drinking at meetings....and the word POWER was just thrown in there to give it more fucking ridiculous PAZAZ! and the "ASSOCIATES" are just Random fucking people that happen to be WORKING in the same building and just call these other people in for daily meettings to call them "associates". SO lets set up a meeting in the beginnign of the day in a medium sized board room. There are about 15 people at a table who all have 5 shots of JAck Daniels and redbull each. Now the head guy in charge has his shitty power point presentation up just to look important when he really has no goddamn idea what hes even doing since hes more hung over then John McClain. So the meeting starts of with every1 doing a SHOT together and to chase it with redbull. So then the head guy has a a picutre of some useless product that never sold so now that have to it their SEAL of approval so it will sell more just because its got "JD POwer and Associates" slapped on the fucking commercial now. SO read the following and i have given u detail for everything:
Head Guy Running Metting: Hey Steve!!! wake the hell up!!....i know your wifes ugly but we gotta get shit done here.........loook this pissa shit fucking car ....u see it??? WHAT DO U LIKE ABOUT IT!??
Mike: umm....its got wheels? and....its BLUE?
HGRM: EXCELLENT perfect..i like your attention to detail...youll go far.....so would u rate this #1 compared to say a 1975 Dotson?!
Mike: uhh.....wow yeah sure....but hold on i gotta take 2 more shots....WHOOO HOO! YEAH #1!
HGRM: great NEXT UP..... TIM......customer service for tmobile...i know its SHITTY and u gett Shaquilla answering the phones like shes got more important shit to do then take your FUCKING call because YOU dont know how to look at your bill online....
Tim: yeha actually i called them last week because of the 1-900 charges when i called a tranny asian hooker for phone sex i "claimed" didnt come from me.....and told them musta been some one stealing my ideneidty....so they called me back 3 days later and bought it.......so yeah i would DEF say Customer support is top not......
LeeRoy: MAAAN what the fuck u smokin....i called those mufuckas last night and wouldn't even take a four dolla charge off my account....and on top of THAT tried to fuckin sell me PHONE insurance in case i lost it...when my question had nothing to do w/ that........
Tim: i know that shit can happen.....but at least at the end of every call they say "thank you for calling tmobile, have a nice day"
LeeRoy: .......yeah....that is TRUE......good point....yeah YO LETS ALL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!!
Every1 in room: YEAHHHHH WOOOOOOO TMOBILE #1 in CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!
HGRM: ok anyone know what this is on the screen here?
Some Dude that no ones knows and came for the free shots: is....is that a new iphone??!
Random Guy finishing up his 4 lines of coke: AHHHHH umm ACTUALLY it is....its a prototype apple has been working on for half a decade now...and plan to release in 2010.
Free shots guy: its just a wand?!!
Coke guy: ive got the prototpye right here......catch.......now push button "A"
Free shots guy: holy fuck! this thing is like that holigram in starwars.....and all u do push the on screens hologram buttons in the AIR?!! WOW im sold.....
HGRM: yeah....best part is apple is paying us a cool 15 mil to tell every one that its the best phone ever created and has 10 awards by "JD POWER and Associates, including BEST DESIGN" which in fact we dont even have 10 types of awards but we just say that for shits and giggles!
Free Shots GUy: nice..... i like how things are run here....ive got an idea...how about we rate Bushes 8 Years in Office and give him an award.....and just tell him "based on Americans....and people at our company, We have chosen you as #1 President" and just give him one along w/ a notarized piece of paper that reads "#1 in Excellence" Then when he REALLY thinks hes getting hte award we just all BREAK out laughing are assses off!
HGRM: FUCKING FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE HOW YOU THINK!!! MATTER FACT...GET MARRY IN HERE............hey MARRY PROMOTE THIS GUY TO SENIOR VP of MARKETING!!
FreeShots GUy: ummmm......yeah...so i actually dont even WORK here...i work in accounting on the 5th floor for Wienstien and Kentelburger Attorneys at Law...i just wondered down her for the the free shots cuz this room gets pretty loud since im right above you guys.
HGRM: FUCK IT!! EVERY ONE FINISH YOUR LAST SHOTS...AND GET THIS FUCKER A JOB HERE!!!!!! Dont forget our company motto........"WE RUN SHIT HERE...........YOU JUST LIVE HERE!!"
Mike: umm....isnt that from the movie...Training...
Mike: shut the fuck up man......do u WANNA get us fired?!
HGRM: ALRIGHTY NEXT MEETING IS AT 2....DONT FORGET EVERY1 GETS A FREE BOTTLE OF JAGER IF U ATTEND!!
*CROWED CHEERS*
*****THE END***
so THAT is my inteturpritation of what goes down at a typical JD POWER meeting. before i go i have a pet peve i wanna get off my chest......it has to do w/ people on myspace or facebook......like y is it necesarry to take a god damn picture of yourself IN A MIRROR?!! like ARE U TO LAZY to turn the camera AT YOU.....or is every1 too fucking retarded and dont know how to use an AUTO TIMER!!! yeah they exist on EVERY camera....i can fucking guarantee you this! SO i have a random picture for you that i saw on some1s facebook....and i just couldnt comprehend "WHYY??!!" so here is that picture:
ok FIRST OFF.....its in AN ELEVATOR!!!
SECOND.......WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MIRROR IN THE ELEVATOR!!??
THIRD: y take a picture of YOU and your stupid CUNT friend IN an ELEVATOR in the FIRST PLACE!!!!! there should be filters on myspace and facebook for stupid fucks like this!
Ive got no quotes or anything to leave you with....so just enjoy til i write a new one on monday.....cuz ill be in Philly gettting PHUKED UP beyond recognition!!!! Dont worry ill hav some fucking story to tell..........
Head Guy Running Metting: Hey Steve!!! wake the hell up!!....i know your wifes ugly but we gotta get shit done here.........loook this pissa shit fucking car ....u see it??? WHAT DO U LIKE ABOUT IT!??
Mike: umm....its got wheels? and....its BLUE?
HGRM: EXCELLENT perfect..i like your attention to detail...youll go far.....so would u rate this #1 compared to say a 1975 Dotson?!
Mike: uhh.....wow yeah sure....but hold on i gotta take 2 more shots....WHOOO HOO! YEAH #1!
HGRM: great NEXT UP..... TIM......customer service for tmobile...i know its SHITTY and u gett Shaquilla answering the phones like shes got more important shit to do then take your FUCKING call because YOU dont know how to look at your bill online....
Tim: yeha actually i called them last week because of the 1-900 charges when i called a tranny asian hooker for phone sex i "claimed" didnt come from me.....and told them musta been some one stealing my ideneidty....so they called me back 3 days later and bought it.......so yeah i would DEF say Customer support is top not......
LeeRoy: MAAAN what the fuck u smokin....i called those mufuckas last night and wouldn't even take a four dolla charge off my account....and on top of THAT tried to fuckin sell me PHONE insurance in case i lost it...when my question had nothing to do w/ that........
Tim: i know that shit can happen.....but at least at the end of every call they say "thank you for calling tmobile, have a nice day"
LeeRoy: .......yeah....that is TRUE......good point....yeah YO LETS ALL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!!
Every1 in room: YEAHHHHH WOOOOOOO TMOBILE #1 in CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!
HGRM: ok anyone know what this is on the screen here?
Some Dude that no ones knows and came for the free shots: is....is that a new iphone??!
Random Guy finishing up his 4 lines of coke: AHHHHH umm ACTUALLY it is....its a prototype apple has been working on for half a decade now...and plan to release in 2010.
Free shots guy: its just a wand?!!
Coke guy: ive got the prototpye right here......catch.......now push button "A"
Free shots guy: holy fuck! this thing is like that holigram in starwars.....and all u do push the on screens hologram buttons in the AIR?!! WOW im sold.....
HGRM: yeah....best part is apple is paying us a cool 15 mil to tell every one that its the best phone ever created and has 10 awards by "JD POWER and Associates, including BEST DESIGN" which in fact we dont even have 10 types of awards but we just say that for shits and giggles!
Free Shots GUy: nice..... i like how things are run here....ive got an idea...how about we rate Bushes 8 Years in Office and give him an award.....and just tell him "based on Americans....and people at our company, We have chosen you as #1 President" and just give him one along w/ a notarized piece of paper that reads "#1 in Excellence" Then when he REALLY thinks hes getting hte award we just all BREAK out laughing are assses off!
HGRM: FUCKING FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE HOW YOU THINK!!! MATTER FACT...GET MARRY IN HERE............hey MARRY PROMOTE THIS GUY TO SENIOR VP of MARKETING!!
FreeShots GUy: ummmm......yeah...so i actually dont even WORK here...i work in accounting on the 5th floor for Wienstien and Kentelburger Attorneys at Law...i just wondered down her for the the free shots cuz this room gets pretty loud since im right above you guys.
HGRM: FUCK IT!! EVERY ONE FINISH YOUR LAST SHOTS...AND GET THIS FUCKER A JOB HERE!!!!!! Dont forget our company motto........"WE RUN SHIT HERE...........YOU JUST LIVE HERE!!"
Mike: umm....isnt that from the movie...Training...
Mike: shut the fuck up man......do u WANNA get us fired?!
HGRM: ALRIGHTY NEXT MEETING IS AT 2....DONT FORGET EVERY1 GETS A FREE BOTTLE OF JAGER IF U ATTEND!!
*CROWED CHEERS*
*****THE END***
so THAT is my inteturpritation of what goes down at a typical JD POWER meeting. before i go i have a pet peve i wanna get off my chest......it has to do w/ people on myspace or facebook......like y is it necesarry to take a god damn picture of yourself IN A MIRROR?!! like ARE U TO LAZY to turn the camera AT YOU.....or is every1 too fucking retarded and dont know how to use an AUTO TIMER!!! yeah they exist on EVERY camera....i can fucking guarantee you this! SO i have a random picture for you that i saw on some1s facebook....and i just couldnt comprehend "WHYY??!!" so here is that picture:
ok FIRST OFF.....its in AN ELEVATOR!!!
SECOND.......WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MIRROR IN THE ELEVATOR!!??
THIRD: y take a picture of YOU and your stupid CUNT friend IN an ELEVATOR in the FIRST PLACE!!!!! there should be filters on myspace and facebook for stupid fucks like this!
Ive got no quotes or anything to leave you with....so just enjoy til i write a new one on monday.....cuz ill be in Philly gettting PHUKED UP beyond recognition!!!! Dont worry ill hav some fucking story to tell..........
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
New Blog. New Location. Same Comic Genius
Lets start off with something like wow…really? A BLOG? Cant be serious? When was the last time I did one? Shit if I remember….maybe the Aztecs where fighting a war…could be. But Im bored as hell and would like to just write about some craptacular events that’s been going on with me. Oh yeah since I don’t use MySpace you wont be reading this on it.
So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a month......you would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.
Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...
SO lets start off with my job. OH I meant to say my FORMER job. Because I got fired about a month ago for the most asinine bull shit due to the fact my NEW manager was more a douche-face then any of those clowns on that one reality show (I don’t fucking know just pick one, your set) Before I start my banter here is how im going to compare my old manager to my newer one:
Old manager: Jay-Z or Will Smith (as an actor not a rapper)
New manager: Vanilla ice w/ a side of Millie Vanillie. Topped off w/ Tom Cruise
So I knew before I met my new manager that he was going to be a huge fuckstick who cared way too much about his job…..u know like the overly excited power happy manager at the McDonalds you worked at when you where 16…yeah THAT GUY. So this guy singles me out like every fucking day asking me why I talk to people the way I do, saying I YELL at them. Which is half true. The people I yell at are the DEF OLD people who cant hear what im saying after the 2nd time….so I SHOUT at them. Apparently my manger doesn’t like that. Well super, try talking to a 87 year old who thinks he still lives in 1947 and cant hear. So then one day he calls me over to his desk so I can listen to a call from prev. night. I sit down next to him…..im like “yeah you got headphones for this?” his like “no we BOTH have to listen using the speakers. Im like “ummm okay. (this is out in the opening where any1 passing by can clearly hear whats coming out of the speakers) SO then then I proceed to ask “sooo…..is this good bad? Or….what…he looked at me w disgust….and said “just listen”. Im like WOW I hope your die in a plane crash tomorrow. (meaning not a plane crashing with him in it….a plane crashing into him while driving a car or walking) After about 20 seconds he says “so u recognize this call” im like “yeah its only 20 seconds….and I take massive calls each day..i dont really remember so far” then he STOPS the recording and says “whats your problem? Do u WANT to be here? Matter fact just go back and sit at your desk we’re through here”. I looked at this guy with ut most amazement. And was like “well FIRST off u never don’t me if this was a GOOD call or BAD call……so…im just tryin to figure out what this is here” he proceeds to tell me to get out of his desk area. So im like fine whatever…I stood up was about to curse at him…then said...its not worth it. Then he calls me into his office the next day and tells me my calls are bad and im not talking to people with respect, and you are very condescending. Which I am at TIMES but not all the time. But he just went off to banter about all my mistakes and never tells me anything positive. Awesome, maybe this guy can do de-motivational speeches for Emo kids. SO a week goes by and he comes back to me with another mug full of tiger shit. Has me watching a call I took with screen capture……Now before I tell u what happens next here is what happned with that call:
I was using a remote control software to loginto my computer at home that has VISTA cuz the person I was helping had vista so I figure I use my PC as a guide. But when I logged into my computer I had totally forgot what was on the screen PRIOR to me leaving it on from the night before. There was a video of porn paused, and a page of nude woman on my bowser, and since I know they take screen shots of my call….i was closing it down REALLY FAST…needless to say it only took me like 5 seconds to close out.
So back to the wonderful debacle w/ me and my manger. Im looking at the screen and I knew exactly what it was…..so I just said “ok ok….stop ….i can tell you…….i know that what I had on the screen was inappropriate for work obviously. But as u can see I CLOSED it out quickly. Now the reason I was using this software is to help people out who have vista since my machine has it and is in real time. This way I can better get the customer working instead of thinking and guessing off the top of my head. So its not like I DELIBRATLY went to a PORN site, because why would I do that? There is no gratification in such material at work.” Now if you where a normal human being, you could possibly just put this matter to rest. But no, this guy is #1 on the douche list of all time. So instead of just saying ok fine don’t let it happen again or giving me some “verbal warning” this cum-wad said the following, brace your self:
“well its not up to me to decide, because im taking this to HR and they can decide what happens”
I sat there and looked at the guy w/ a face “are you fucking serious?” NOT UP TO YOU?!!! Like hell it isn’t!! Sure cuz people in HR know exactly who I am, and I give them high fives in the hallways. Sure absolutely! So then I again stated my case, as if he apparently didn’t fucking hear what I said….”again…this wasnt me doing this purposely…so how can HR decide….your the one looking at this matter right now…not them” Then….then he said something that just amazed me even more…”well I just wanted to get your side of the story” MY SIDE?! Look asshole, I just gave u my “side” what “OTHER SIDE” is there?!! The side where u poll the audience and see what they think? This guy CLEARLY had documentation seeing exactly what I was doing on the computer because it was a VIDEO. Then I said “u saw the call…so what other side” hes like “well I didn’t view the entire thing since this was given to me by the “Quality Assurance Guy”. Then hes like “well this is a matter that crosses our internet policy so I HAVE to give this to HR and then they can decide what will happen.” Here is the reason he did this…..because he needed just ONE thing to give HR so he has a reason to fire me. Here is how the meeting went down in HR w/ my “CASE”
HR: so we have this guy who had pornographic images while on a call……well I mean we have to get more info about this person so lets call his manager….
Shawn (dbag manger): this is shawn
HR: about your worker scott….i mean it does cross the line but probably not means for dismissal…..what kind of worker is he and has he been a problem in the past?
Shawn: well yes, he doenst know how to talk to customers correctly very condescending and frankly this is the last straw….so my recommendation would be to have him released from the company.
HR: ……………well if that’s what it is…then sounds like we have to do what we have to do..right?
Shawn: correct
So back to story in hand……after I had that convo with him I was 95% sure I was pretty much fired, was just a matter of time. By the way this was a Thursday.
SO no Monday rolls around and I come into work at 1pm. My manager is sitting at his desk, and I pass his desk everyday going to my desk, so he sees me come in. after I worked for 1 hour he calls me over to his desk…roughly 2pm and said “meet me in the conference room” Who the hell fires someone on a MONDAY after ALREADY being there for over an HOUR!!? Thats like being a salesman and closing a deal with a client then your boss saying “good job closing that….oh yeah by the way….your fired” its like WHAAT?! So I collected my shit, and was like “yeah so u have a box or something” gutys like “umm…no” then I said okay…well can I at least visit one of my friends real quick? “yeah….i don’t think so” wow ….i never in my entire life have hated a person so much EVER. I only knew the guy a month. So that’s a big accomplishment if you can become the biggest douche bag and being #1 douche on some1s list by only knowing them for less then a month….thats fucking dedication right there!! This asshole had the nerve to tell tellme “give me your badge and I will PERSONALLY escort you out of the building myself.” At this point I would rather have the #1 rapest serial murder escort me out then this guy. I wanted to say “well you don’t have to be so kind…I know u wanna fuck me in the elevator on the way down, but seriously ive been here for over 2 years, so I think I know where the exits are big guy, but thanks for your total dedication"
So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a month......you would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.
Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...
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