I Remember......

Alright boys n girls this isnt going to be my traditional blog, in fact you wont even see ONE CURSE WORD here....yes REALLY! This is not going to be about "my crazy life" and this posting actually has nothing to do with me being mad ticked off or even anything to do with me. I wrote the following based on what it was like to live back in the good old days and comparing it to what things are like now......and this is why i chose the title "I Remember" so you can go back to when things where simple and care free. So here you are, enjoy and reminisce:

Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
I Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the American Tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!

Let's fast forward to the current race
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, just upload it to a site named Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.

Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
Unfortunately this aint the movies and there is no john McClain
Twin Towers got hit, and thousands of people where slain,
Friends and families couldn’t deal with the suffer and pain
Innocent people saying their last words on that airplane
People still have bumper stickers that say I Remember
For that tragic day back in September
I remember when the president had no concept of politics,
Because this entire country has fell like a ton of bricks
We now have a guy who can finally understand,
Hopefully tryin to get the terrible back in hand
Its like the great depression with this economy,
People with no work is a crazy tragedy.
Even people who do have great jobs,
Might end up in that infamous “meeting with the bobs”

And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"

"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "

I don’t see how a guy named weezy calls himself “the best rapper alive”
This guy is worse then a bad skit on Saturday Night Live.
I remember when Hip-hop had true meaning and you could always relate
Id rather not listen to anything in its current state
I hope you rappers go away faster then an episode of elimidate.

I didnt write this to be famous but more to inspire
Not trying to be big and build an empire.
Just wanna be remembered for something before i can retire.
And just before I head to the big place in the sky,
Just want to let everyone know even they can get a good piece of the pie.
All you have to do is work hard, and do the best you can and give it a try.


There it is. I hope people can keep the spirit of "i remember" alive. If you liked what you read and thought i was good...please give me your input, i greatly appreciate it. THANKS!!!

JD Power and Associates

Have you ever watched tv or listen to the radio (yes such format STILL exists) and then you hear something like "....was rated #1 by JD Power and Associates..." I would like to go head and really dis-agree with that....cuz its probably more like "ok yeah our product really sucks ass....but at LEAST we have it rated #1 by a totally USELESS company that no one even knows who or what the fuck they even do!" Well guess what...im here today to fill you in on such information. Now before you fuckers "wiki" this company or start saying shit like "wow u dont know what they do?" im not here to LITERALLY fucking tell you EXACTLY what they do....or this blog would be...well pointless to YOU and me....cuz who the hell wants to read about such ridiculous fat hog seman. SO im gunna give you a typical run-down secnerio of what goes on at the company. First let me start off with the name......JD... POWER AND Associates? well the only conclusion i can come to is the JD stand for Jack Daniels because that what they are ALWAYS drinking at meetings....and the word POWER was just thrown in there to give it more fucking ridiculous PAZAZ! and the "ASSOCIATES" are just Random fucking people that happen to be WORKING in the same building and just call these other people in for daily meettings to call them "associates". SO lets set up a meeting in the beginnign of the day in a medium sized board room. There are about 15 people at a table who all have 5 shots of JAck Daniels and redbull each. Now the head guy in charge has his shitty power point presentation up just to look important when he really has no goddamn idea what hes even doing since hes more hung over then John McClain. So the meeting starts of with every1 doing a SHOT together and to chase it with redbull. So then the head guy has a a picutre of some useless product that never sold so now that have to it their SEAL of approval so it will sell more just because its got "JD POwer and Associates" slapped on the fucking commercial now. SO read the following and i have given u detail for everything:


Head Guy Running Metting: Hey Steve!!! wake the hell up!!....i know your wifes ugly but we gotta get shit done here.........loook this pissa shit fucking car ....u see it??? WHAT DO U LIKE ABOUT IT!??

Mike: umm....its got wheels? and....its BLUE?

HGRM: EXCELLENT perfect..i like your attention to detail...youll go far.....so would u rate this #1 compared to say a 1975 Dotson?!

Mike: uhh.....wow yeah sure....but hold on i gotta take 2 more shots....WHOOO HOO! YEAH #1!

HGRM: great NEXT UP..... TIM......customer service for tmobile...i know its SHITTY and u gett Shaquilla answering the phones like shes got more important shit to do then take your FUCKING call because YOU dont know how to look at your bill online....

Tim: yeha actually i called them last week because of the 1-900 charges when i called a tranny asian hooker for phone sex i "claimed" didnt come from me.....and told them musta been some one stealing my ideneidty....so they called me back 3 days later and bought it.......so yeah i would DEF say Customer support is top not......

LeeRoy: MAAAN what the fuck u smokin....i called those mufuckas last night and wouldn't even take a four dolla charge off my account....and on top of THAT tried to fuckin sell me PHONE insurance in case i lost it...when my question had nothing to do w/ that........

Tim: i know that shit can happen.....but at least at the end of every call they say "thank you for calling tmobile, have a nice day"

LeeRoy: .......yeah....that is TRUE......good point....yeah YO LETS ALL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!!

Every1 in room: YEAHHHHH WOOOOOOO TMOBILE #1 in CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!

HGRM: ok anyone know what this is on the screen here?

Some Dude that no ones knows and came for the free shots: is....is that a new iphone??!

Random Guy finishing up his 4 lines of coke: AHHHHH umm ACTUALLY it is....its a prototype apple has been working on for half a decade now...and plan to release in 2010.

Free shots guy: its just a wand?!!

Coke guy: ive got the prototpye right here......catch.......now push button "A"

Free shots guy: holy fuck! this thing is like that holigram in starwars.....and all u do push the on screens hologram buttons in the AIR?!! WOW im sold.....

HGRM: yeah....best part is apple is paying us a cool 15 mil to tell every one that its the best phone ever created and has 10 awards by "JD POWER and Associates, including BEST DESIGN" which in fact we dont even have 10 types of awards but we just say that for shits and giggles!

Free Shots GUy: nice..... i like how things are run here....ive got an idea...how about we rate Bushes 8 Years in Office and give him an award.....and just tell him "based on Americans....and people at our company, We have chosen you as #1 President" and just give him one along w/ a notarized piece of paper that reads "#1 in Excellence" Then when he REALLY thinks hes getting hte award we just all BREAK out laughing are assses off!

HGRM: FUCKING FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE HOW YOU THINK!!! MATTER FACT...GET MARRY IN HERE............hey MARRY PROMOTE THIS GUY TO SENIOR VP of MARKETING!!

FreeShots GUy: ummmm......yeah...so i actually dont even WORK here...i work in accounting on the 5th floor for Wienstien and Kentelburger Attorneys at Law...i just wondered down her for the the free shots cuz this room gets pretty loud since im right above you guys.

HGRM: FUCK IT!! EVERY ONE FINISH YOUR LAST SHOTS...AND GET THIS FUCKER A JOB HERE!!!!!! Dont forget our company motto........"WE RUN SHIT HERE...........YOU JUST LIVE HERE!!"

Mike: umm....isnt that from the movie...Training...

Mike: shut the fuck up man......do u WANNA get us fired?!

HGRM: ALRIGHTY NEXT MEETING IS AT 2....DONT FORGET EVERY1 GETS A FREE BOTTLE OF JAGER IF U ATTEND!!

*CROWED CHEERS*


*****THE END***
so THAT is my inteturpritation of what goes down at a typical JD POWER meeting. before i go i have a pet peve i wanna get off my chest......it has to do w/ people on myspace or facebook......like y is it necesarry to take a god damn picture of yourself IN A MIRROR?!! like ARE U TO LAZY to turn the camera AT YOU.....or is every1 too fucking retarded and dont know how to use an AUTO TIMER!!! yeah they exist on EVERY camera....i can fucking guarantee you this! SO i have a random picture for you that i saw on some1s facebook....and i just couldnt comprehend "WHYY??!!" so here is that picture:



ok FIRST OFF.....its in AN ELEVATOR!!!
SECOND.......WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MIRROR IN THE ELEVATOR!!??
THIRD: y take a picture of YOU and your stupid CUNT friend IN an ELEVATOR in the FIRST PLACE!!!!! there should be filters on myspace and facebook for stupid fucks like this!

Ive got no quotes or anything to leave you with....so just enjoy til i write a new one on monday.....cuz ill be in Philly gettting PHUKED UP beyond recognition!!!! Dont worry ill hav some fucking story to tell..........

Moving to Philly (hopefully)

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New Blog. New Location. Same Comic Genius

Lets start off with something like wow…really? A BLOG? Cant be serious? When was the last time I did one? Shit if I remember….maybe the Aztecs where fighting a war…could be. But Im bored as hell and would like to just write about some craptacular events that’s been going on with me. Oh yeah since I don’t use MySpace you wont be reading this on it.

SO lets start off with my job. OH I meant to say my FORMER job. Because I got fired about a month ago for the most asinine bull shit due to the fact my NEW manager was more a douche-face then any of those clowns on that one reality show (I don’t fucking know just pick one, your set) Before I start my banter here is how im going to compare my old manager to my newer one:

Old manager: Jay-Z or Will Smith (as an actor not a rapper)

New manager: Vanilla ice w/ a side of Millie Vanillie. Topped off w/ Tom Cruise

So I knew before I met my new manager that he was going to be a huge fuckstick who cared way too much about his job…..u know like the overly excited power happy manager at the McDonalds you worked at when you where 16…yeah THAT GUY. So this guy singles me out like every fucking day asking me why I talk to people the way I do, saying I YELL at them. Which is half true. The people I yell at are the DEF OLD people who cant hear what im saying after the 2nd time….so I SHOUT at them. Apparently my manger doesn’t like that. Well super, try talking to a 87 year old who thinks he still lives in 1947 and cant hear. So then one day he calls me over to his desk so I can listen to a call from prev. night. I sit down next to him…..im like “yeah you got headphones for this?” his like “no we BOTH have to listen using the speakers. Im like “ummm okay. (this is out in the opening where any1 passing by can clearly hear whats coming out of the speakers) SO then then I proceed to ask “sooo…..is this good bad? Or….what…he looked at me w disgust….and said “just listen”. Im like WOW I hope your die in a plane crash tomorrow. (meaning not a plane crashing with him in it….a plane crashing into him while driving a car or walking) After about 20 seconds he says “so u recognize this call” im like “yeah its only 20 seconds….and I take massive calls each day..i dont really remember so far” then he STOPS the recording and says “whats your problem? Do u WANT to be here? Matter fact just go back and sit at your desk we’re through here”. I looked at this guy with ut most amazement. And was like “well FIRST off u never don’t me if this was a GOOD call or BAD call……so…im just tryin to figure out what this is here” he proceeds to tell me to get out of his desk area. So im like fine whatever…I stood up was about to curse at him…then said...its not worth it. Then he calls me into his office the next day and tells me my calls are bad and im not talking to people with respect, and you are very condescending. Which I am at TIMES but not all the time. But he just went off to banter about all my mistakes and never tells me anything positive. Awesome, maybe this guy can do de-motivational speeches for Emo kids. SO a week goes by and he comes back to me with another mug full of tiger shit. Has me watching a call I took with screen capture……Now before I tell u what happens next here is what happned with that call:

I was using a remote control software to loginto my computer at home that has VISTA cuz the person I was helping had vista so I figure I use my PC as a guide. But when I logged into my computer I had totally forgot what was on the screen PRIOR to me leaving it on from the night before. There was a video of porn paused, and a page of nude woman on my bowser, and since I know they take screen shots of my call….i was closing it down REALLY FAST…needless to say it only took me like 5 seconds to close out.

So back to the wonderful debacle w/ me and my manger. Im looking at the screen and I knew exactly what it was…..so I just said “ok ok….stop ….i can tell you…….i know that what I had on the screen was inappropriate for work obviously. But as u can see I CLOSED it out quickly. Now the reason I was using this software is to help people out who have vista since my machine has it and is in real time. This way I can better get the customer working instead of thinking and guessing off the top of my head. So its not like I DELIBRATLY went to a PORN site, because why would I do that? There is no gratification in such material at work.” Now if you where a normal human being, you could possibly just put this matter to rest. But no, this guy is #1 on the douche list of all time. So instead of just saying ok fine don’t let it happen again or giving me some “verbal warning” this cum-wad said the following, brace your self:

“well its not up to me to decide, because im taking this to HR and they can decide what happens”

I sat there and looked at the guy w/ a face “are you fucking serious?” NOT UP TO YOU?!!! Like hell it isn’t!! Sure cuz people in HR know exactly who I am, and I give them high fives in the hallways. Sure absolutely! So then I again stated my case, as if he apparently didn’t fucking hear what I said….”again…this wasnt me doing this purposely…so how can HR decide….your the one looking at this matter right now…not them” Then….then he said something that just amazed me even more…”well I just wanted to get your side of the story” MY SIDE?! Look asshole, I just gave u my “side” what “OTHER SIDE” is there?!! The side where u poll the audience and see what they think? This guy CLEARLY had documentation seeing exactly what I was doing on the computer because it was a VIDEO. Then I said “u saw the call…so what other side” hes like “well I didn’t view the entire thing since this was given to me by the “Quality Assurance Guy”. Then hes like “well this is a matter that crosses our internet policy so I HAVE to give this to HR and then they can decide what will happen.” Here is the reason he did this…..because he needed just ONE thing to give HR so he has a reason to fire me. Here is how the meeting went down in HR w/ my “CASE”

HR: so we have this guy who had pornographic images while on a call……well I mean we have to get more info about this person so lets call his manager….

Shawn (dbag manger): this is shawn

HR: about your worker scott….i mean it does cross the line but probably not means for dismissal…..what kind of worker is he and has he been a problem in the past?

Shawn: well yes, he doenst know how to talk to customers correctly very condescending and frankly this is the last straw….so my recommendation would be to have him released from the company.

HR: ……………well if that’s what it is…then sounds like we have to do what we have to do..right?

Shawn: correct

So back to story in hand……after I had that convo with him I was 95% sure I was pretty much fired, was just a matter of time. By the way this was a Thursday.

SO no Monday rolls around and I come into work at 1pm. My manager is sitting at his desk, and I pass his desk everyday going to my desk, so he sees me come in. after I worked for 1 hour he calls me over to his desk…roughly 2pm and said “meet me in the conference room” Who the hell fires someone on a MONDAY after ALREADY being there for over an HOUR!!? Thats like being a salesman and closing a deal with a client then your boss saying “good job closing that….oh yeah by the way….your fired” its like WHAAT?! So I collected my shit, and was like “yeah so u have a box or something” gutys like “umm…no” then I said okay…well can I at least visit one of my friends real quick? “yeah….i don’t think so” wow ….i never in my entire life have hated a person so much EVER. I only knew the guy a month. So that’s a big accomplishment if you can become the biggest douche bag and being #1 douche on some1s list by only knowing them for less then a month….thats fucking dedication right there!! This asshole had the nerve to tell tellme “give me your badge and I will PERSONALLY escort you out of the building myself.” At this point I would rather have the #1 rapest serial murder escort me out then this guy. I wanted to say “well you don’t have to be so kind…I know u wanna fuck me in the elevator on the way down, but seriously ive been here for over 2 years, so I think I know where the exits are big guy, but thanks for your total dedication"

So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a month......you would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.

Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...

and so i leave you with this:

I was watching TV around 3am the other day and saw an add for TEXT sex! I WISH i was joking. "text hot girl to 594939, standard text rates apply, 1.99 for the first text, .99 for each additional text." showing some hot chic on her phone TEXTING. ummm so your saying if i send/recieve 100 texts....that over $100........for a TEXT MESSAGE from some GUY from india. How about this......to down town, find a hooker for 100 (or less depending on location) and ACTUALLY FUCK SOMEONE!!! No cuz im too lazy, to get up and would rather JERK OFF to READING a text that i THINK is coming form a hot chic. Right. Im sold on the thought that who ever is using such service is possibly debating suidide.....hey dude..just commit suice..its more gratifying !!