Thursday, February 26, 2009

JD Power and Associates

Have you ever watched tv or listen to the radio (yes such format STILL exists) and then you hear something like "....was rated #1 by JD Power and Associates..." I would like to go head and really dis-agree with that....cuz its probably more like "ok yeah our product really sucks ass....but at LEAST we have it rated #1 by a totally USELESS company that no one even knows who or what the fuck they even do!" Well guess what...im here today to fill you in on such information. Now before you fuckers "wiki" this company or start saying shit like "wow u dont know what they do?" im not here to LITERALLY fucking tell you EXACTLY what they do....or this blog would be...well pointless to YOU and me....cuz who the hell wants to read about such ridiculous fat hog seman. SO im gunna give you a typical run-down secnerio of what goes on at the company. First let me start off with the name......JD... POWER AND Associates? well the only conclusion i can come to is the JD stand for Jack Daniels because that what they are ALWAYS drinking at meetings....and the word POWER was just thrown in there to give it more fucking ridiculous PAZAZ! and the "ASSOCIATES" are just Random fucking people that happen to be WORKING in the same building and just call these other people in for daily meettings to call them "associates". SO lets set up a meeting in the beginnign of the day in a medium sized board room. There are about 15 people at a table who all have 5 shots of JAck Daniels and redbull each. Now the head guy in charge has his shitty power point presentation up just to look important when he really has no goddamn idea what hes even doing since hes more hung over then John McClain. So the meeting starts of with every1 doing a SHOT together and to chase it with redbull. So then the head guy has a a picutre of some useless product that never sold so now that have to it their SEAL of approval so it will sell more just because its got "JD POwer and Associates" slapped on the fucking commercial now. SO read the following and i have given u detail for everything:


Head Guy Running Metting: Hey Steve!!! wake the hell up!!....i know your wifes ugly but we gotta get shit done here.........loook this pissa shit fucking car ....u see it??? WHAT DO U LIKE ABOUT IT!??

Mike: umm....its got wheels? and....its BLUE?

HGRM: EXCELLENT perfect..i like your attention to detail...youll go far.....so would u rate this #1 compared to say a 1975 Dotson?!

Mike: uhh.....wow yeah sure....but hold on i gotta take 2 more shots....WHOOO HOO! YEAH #1!

HGRM: great NEXT UP..... TIM......customer service for tmobile...i know its SHITTY and u gett Shaquilla answering the phones like shes got more important shit to do then take your FUCKING call because YOU dont know how to look at your bill online....

Tim: yeha actually i called them last week because of the 1-900 charges when i called a tranny asian hooker for phone sex i "claimed" didnt come from me.....and told them musta been some one stealing my ideneidty....so they called me back 3 days later and bought it.......so yeah i would DEF say Customer support is top not......

LeeRoy: MAAAN what the fuck u smokin....i called those mufuckas last night and wouldn't even take a four dolla charge off my account....and on top of THAT tried to fuckin sell me PHONE insurance in case i lost it...when my question had nothing to do w/ that........

Tim: i know that shit can happen.....but at least at the end of every call they say "thank you for calling tmobile, have a nice day"

LeeRoy: .......yeah....that is TRUE......good point....yeah YO LETS ALL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!!

Every1 in room: YEAHHHHH WOOOOOOO TMOBILE #1 in CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!

HGRM: ok anyone know what this is on the screen here?

Some Dude that no ones knows and came for the free shots: is....is that a new iphone??!

Random Guy finishing up his 4 lines of coke: AHHHHH umm ACTUALLY it is....its a prototype apple has been working on for half a decade now...and plan to release in 2010.

Free shots guy: its just a wand?!!

Coke guy: ive got the prototpye right here......catch.......now push button "A"

Free shots guy: holy fuck! this thing is like that holigram in starwars.....and all u do push the on screens hologram buttons in the AIR?!! WOW im sold.....

HGRM: yeah....best part is apple is paying us a cool 15 mil to tell every one that its the best phone ever created and has 10 awards by "JD POWER and Associates, including BEST DESIGN" which in fact we dont even have 10 types of awards but we just say that for shits and giggles!

Free Shots GUy: nice..... i like how things are run here....ive got an idea...how about we rate Bushes 8 Years in Office and give him an award.....and just tell him "based on Americans....and people at our company, We have chosen you as #1 President" and just give him one along w/ a notarized piece of paper that reads "#1 in Excellence" Then when he REALLY thinks hes getting hte award we just all BREAK out laughing are assses off!

HGRM: FUCKING FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE HOW YOU THINK!!! MATTER FACT...GET MARRY IN HERE............hey MARRY PROMOTE THIS GUY TO SENIOR VP of MARKETING!!

FreeShots GUy: ummmm......yeah...so i actually dont even WORK here...i work in accounting on the 5th floor for Wienstien and Kentelburger Attorneys at Law...i just wondered down her for the the free shots cuz this room gets pretty loud since im right above you guys.

HGRM: FUCK IT!! EVERY ONE FINISH YOUR LAST SHOTS...AND GET THIS FUCKER A JOB HERE!!!!!! Dont forget our company motto........"WE RUN SHIT HERE...........YOU JUST LIVE HERE!!"

Mike: umm....isnt that from the movie...Training...

Mike: shut the fuck up man......do u WANNA get us fired?!

HGRM: ALRIGHTY NEXT MEETING IS AT 2....DONT FORGET EVERY1 GETS A FREE BOTTLE OF JAGER IF U ATTEND!!

*CROWED CHEERS*


*****THE END***
so THAT is my inteturpritation of what goes down at a typical JD POWER meeting. before i go i have a pet peve i wanna get off my chest......it has to do w/ people on myspace or facebook......like y is it necesarry to take a god damn picture of yourself IN A MIRROR?!! like ARE U TO LAZY to turn the camera AT YOU.....or is every1 too fucking retarded and dont know how to use an AUTO TIMER!!! yeah they exist on EVERY camera....i can fucking guarantee you this! SO i have a random picture for you that i saw on some1s facebook....and i just couldnt comprehend "WHYY??!!" so here is that picture:



ok FIRST OFF.....its in AN ELEVATOR!!!
SECOND.......WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MIRROR IN THE ELEVATOR!!??
THIRD: y take a picture of YOU and your stupid CUNT friend IN an ELEVATOR in the FIRST PLACE!!!!! there should be filters on myspace and facebook for stupid fucks like this!

Ive got no quotes or anything to leave you with....so just enjoy til i write a new one on monday.....cuz ill be in Philly gettting PHUKED UP beyond recognition!!!! Dont worry ill hav some fucking story to tell..........

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Moving to Philly (hopefully)

As you may or may not know, i dislike FL a lot. I think its made for people have have an IQ lower then a retarded cockroach. People are WAY to fucking slow and im not talking about old people. Im talking about and random analfuck walking the streets. The WORST possible drivers from PA, NJ, and NY would be classified as top notch NASCAR drivers compared what goes on here. Just the other day while i had the awesome gratification of sitting at a red light...which ill get to later, but there was a guy in the LEFT lane going to make a LEFT turn. I saw the green arrow....and the guy was sitting there.......hmm...then people started honking at him...hey you taint sniffer, move your ass...and turn off your gay FALL-OUT BOY music and get off your cellphone before i RAPE your mother in front of your kids!! Well i could have cared less since i was the other lane but this guy waited fully til the light was RED... again. I just sat in my car and laughed. But lets get back to the "RED LIGHTS" in Florida. if you are at ANY light in the state of FLORIDA then your vehicle needs to be equipped with an IN-DASH DVD player, an xbox, a lawn chair, sun-screen, and $5. Ill get to why u need all this very shortly. If you live in PA or some other city then your lights are possibly 20-30 seconds TOPS. Here in florida...well shit...as you pull up to a RED light your forced to sit there for...well....put it this way.......i could call over a hooker have her give me a handjob for $5, then turn on my in-dash DVD player thats got xbox360 hooked up and play about 40% of GTA IV to settle my aggravation. Then i could put my car in park, get out a lawn chair, grab my sun-screen, and set it up on the sidewalk next to me while i read todays paper that i stole from the businessman waiting for the bus while i get a tan. After all then i could get back in my car, and STILL have enough time to listen to side A of a harry potter audio book narrated by Movie-Douche, Tom Cruise. As im flipping to side B the light would turn green only to stop at ANOTHER red light 50 feet down. Oh wow another red light, now i have time to pay my bills, go to the DMV, and wait in line for the new iphone....(u know, the new iphone that has copy and paste, 32 gigs, MMS messeging, voice dial, video recording, ability to run more then one program at a time.....you know stuff it SHOULD HAVE HAD A YEAR AND A HALF AGO!) But anyway you get my point.....or at least never travel by CAR in the state of florida......go rent a SEGWAY. Its economy efficient and will get you to your destination probably faster then your 2010 BMW* sitting in your garage. (*really your 1994 ford escort, but is what you TELL people you have) I really think you need to pass some kind of literacy test to become a Floridian. Stuff like:

1. if a train A leaves philly at 9am, and train B leaves Los Angeles at 10am..then at what time will train A leave philly?

2. If you have an orange and a pear, and u take the orange away what do you have?

3. If Susie is running a lemonade stand and is selling lemonade for 5 cents a cup and serves 32 people lemonade, then what product is Susie selling?

4. True or False: The color black is actually green.

5, True or False: The word FALSE is spelled F-A-L-S-E.

6. Multiple Choice: If Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and Donatello of the Ninja Turtles had a conference meeting where would it be held?

A. Apple Headquarters
B. back seat of KIT from Knight Rider
C. Iceland
D. Who gives a shit, because non of them exist

7. If you could be a invisible for one day what would you do?

A. Secretly have sex with your sister
B. secretly have sex with your cousin
C. secretly have sex with Fred Savage of the wonder years
D. Rape as many woman who ARE NOT FRED SAVAGE and who ARENT related to me.

8. If you drove to work on Monday at 9am, then came back from work at 5pm that VERY same day, then What day of the week is it?

9. If Dale Earnhart Jr died in the Daytona 500, would you still live in a trailer?

10. How many MILES are in the Daytona 500? HINT: the number starts with a five and ends in double zeros.

Im sure 80% probably couldn't answer these questions.

Ok so i hopefully will be moving to Philly very soon, I just hope someone will call me within a week because i sent out like 50 resumes last week to every possible Tech Job within a 30 mile radius of Philly. I also found out TODAY that i WONT be receiving unemployment i applied for the 26th of January. Yeah it took these lazy fucks an entire month to process a claim. Fact is if you get fired from your job and NOT laif off.....FL wont pay you. YOu should have seen the application i filled out. It asked me some pretty asnine questions about my last job stuff like:

Where did u work,
how long did you work there,
who is your supervisor,
what is his name,
why did u leave
if u where fired what was it for?
What what did your supervisor say to you when you where fried
How many warnings where you given before your termination
Where they VERBAL or WRITEN or BOTH
When where the warnings given to you
Did you receive anal sex from your manager
When was the last time you took a shit at work, and for how long was it for
Did ever think about having sexual relations with a co-worker
Does your company allow you to masturbate in the womans bathroom if no one was using it
Did you steal a pen, a staple, a sheet of paper, stay at the water cooler more then 5 mins
Have you ever come in late and tell your boss it was due to traffic when really u just slept in?
And finally, DID YOU EVER GET THOSE COVER SHEETS ON THE TPS REPORTS?


I wish i was joking about the 1st 10....it took me about an hour and half to fill all this horse FLOP. In PA it was simple
"Where u fired, laid off or did u quit? and if u answered, quit, then u cant claim. PA doesnt give two fucks why u where fired unless it involved criminal activity. At this time i would like to give 2 big FUCK YOU's to the following:

My ex-manager SHAWN KENT....thats right i USED his FULL NAME...hope u die in a coma while you have aids as Magic Johnson takes his "AIDS PILLS" in front of you laughing.
The State of FL for telling me basically you can SUCK COCKS IN HELL before we give you FREE MONEY! well gues what......COOL! FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!


And now this is the END of my BLOG so telephone, tell a friend and telemundo!! Its back, with class, style, twists, and lots of language not suitable for any cunt who is offended.....
and i leave you with the following quote:

"And if i OFFENDED you GOOD.......CUZ i STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK!"

-Eminem, Slim Shady LP

Saturday, February 21, 2009

New Blog. New Location. Same Comic Genius

Lets start off with something like wow…really? A BLOG? Cant be serious? When was the last time I did one? Shit if I remember….maybe the Aztecs where fighting a war…could be. But Im bored as hell and would like to just write about some craptacular events that’s been going on with me. Oh yeah since I don’t use MySpace you wont be reading this on it.

SO lets start off with my job. OH I meant to say my FORMER job. Because I got fired about a month ago for the most asinine bull shit due to the fact my NEW manager was more a douche-face then any of those clowns on that one reality show (I don’t fucking know just pick one, your set) Before I start my banter here is how im going to compare my old manager to my newer one:

Old manager: Jay-Z or Will Smith (as an actor not a rapper)

New manager: Vanilla ice w/ a side of Millie Vanillie. Topped off w/ Tom Cruise

So I knew before I met my new manager that he was going to be a huge fuckstick who cared way too much about his job…..u know like the overly excited power happy manager at the McDonalds you worked at when you where 16…yeah THAT GUY. So this guy singles me out like every fucking day asking me why I talk to people the way I do, saying I YELL at them. Which is half true. The people I yell at are the DEF OLD people who cant hear what im saying after the 2nd time….so I SHOUT at them. Apparently my manger doesn’t like that. Well super, try talking to a 87 year old who thinks he still lives in 1947 and cant hear. So then one day he calls me over to his desk so I can listen to a call from prev. night. I sit down next to him…..im like “yeah you got headphones for this?” his like “no we BOTH have to listen using the speakers. Im like “ummm okay. (this is out in the opening where any1 passing by can clearly hear whats coming out of the speakers) SO then then I proceed to ask “sooo…..is this good bad? Or….what…he looked at me w disgust….and said “just listen”. Im like WOW I hope your die in a plane crash tomorrow. (meaning not a plane crashing with him in it….a plane crashing into him while driving a car or walking) After about 20 seconds he says “so u recognize this call” im like “yeah its only 20 seconds….and I take massive calls each day..i dont really remember so far” then he STOPS the recording and says “whats your problem? Do u WANT to be here? Matter fact just go back and sit at your desk we’re through here”. I looked at this guy with ut most amazement. And was like “well FIRST off u never don’t me if this was a GOOD call or BAD call……so…im just tryin to figure out what this is here” he proceeds to tell me to get out of his desk area. So im like fine whatever…I stood up was about to curse at him…then said...its not worth it. Then he calls me into his office the next day and tells me my calls are bad and im not talking to people with respect, and you are very condescending. Which I am at TIMES but not all the time. But he just went off to banter about all my mistakes and never tells me anything positive. Awesome, maybe this guy can do de-motivational speeches for Emo kids. SO a week goes by and he comes back to me with another mug full of tiger shit. Has me watching a call I took with screen capture……Now before I tell u what happens next here is what happned with that call:

I was using a remote control software to loginto my computer at home that has VISTA cuz the person I was helping had vista so I figure I use my PC as a guide. But when I logged into my computer I had totally forgot what was on the screen PRIOR to me leaving it on from the night before. There was a video of porn paused, and a page of nude woman on my bowser, and since I know they take screen shots of my call….i was closing it down REALLY FAST…needless to say it only took me like 5 seconds to close out.

So back to the wonderful debacle w/ me and my manger. Im looking at the screen and I knew exactly what it was…..so I just said “ok ok….stop ….i can tell you…….i know that what I had on the screen was inappropriate for work obviously. But as u can see I CLOSED it out quickly. Now the reason I was using this software is to help people out who have vista since my machine has it and is in real time. This way I can better get the customer working instead of thinking and guessing off the top of my head. So its not like I DELIBRATLY went to a PORN site, because why would I do that? There is no gratification in such material at work.” Now if you where a normal human being, you could possibly just put this matter to rest. But no, this guy is #1 on the douche list of all time. So instead of just saying ok fine don’t let it happen again or giving me some “verbal warning” this cum-wad said the following, brace your self:

“well its not up to me to decide, because im taking this to HR and they can decide what happens”

I sat there and looked at the guy w/ a face “are you fucking serious?” NOT UP TO YOU?!!! Like hell it isn’t!! Sure cuz people in HR know exactly who I am, and I give them high fives in the hallways. Sure absolutely! So then I again stated my case, as if he apparently didn’t fucking hear what I said….”again…this wasnt me doing this purposely…so how can HR decide….your the one looking at this matter right now…not them” Then….then he said something that just amazed me even more…”well I just wanted to get your side of the story” MY SIDE?! Look asshole, I just gave u my “side” what “OTHER SIDE” is there?!! The side where u poll the audience and see what they think? This guy CLEARLY had documentation seeing exactly what I was doing on the computer because it was a VIDEO. Then I said “u saw the call…so what other side” hes like “well I didn’t view the entire thing since this was given to me by the “Quality Assurance Guy”. Then hes like “well this is a matter that crosses our internet policy so I HAVE to give this to HR and then they can decide what will happen.” Here is the reason he did this…..because he needed just ONE thing to give HR so he has a reason to fire me. Here is how the meeting went down in HR w/ my “CASE”

HR: so we have this guy who had pornographic images while on a call……well I mean we have to get more info about this person so lets call his manager….

Shawn (dbag manger): this is shawn

HR: about your worker scott….i mean it does cross the line but probably not means for dismissal…..what kind of worker is he and has he been a problem in the past?

Shawn: well yes, he doenst know how to talk to customers correctly very condescending and frankly this is the last straw….so my recommendation would be to have him released from the company.

HR: ……………well if that’s what it is…then sounds like we have to do what we have to do..right?

Shawn: correct

So back to story in hand……after I had that convo with him I was 95% sure I was pretty much fired, was just a matter of time. By the way this was a Thursday.

SO no Monday rolls around and I come into work at 1pm. My manager is sitting at his desk, and I pass his desk everyday going to my desk, so he sees me come in. after I worked for 1 hour he calls me over to his desk…roughly 2pm and said “meet me in the conference room” Who the hell fires someone on a MONDAY after ALREADY being there for over an HOUR!!? Thats like being a salesman and closing a deal with a client then your boss saying “good job closing that….oh yeah by the way….your fired” its like WHAAT?! So I collected my shit, and was like “yeah so u have a box or something” gutys like “umm…no” then I said okay…well can I at least visit one of my friends real quick? “yeah….i don’t think so” wow ….i never in my entire life have hated a person so much EVER. I only knew the guy a month. So that’s a big accomplishment if you can become the biggest douche bag and being #1 douche on some1s list by only knowing them for less then a month….thats fucking dedication right there!! This asshole had the nerve to tell tellme “give me your badge and I will PERSONALLY escort you out of the building myself.” At this point I would rather have the #1 rapest serial murder escort me out then this guy. I wanted to say “well you don’t have to be so kind…I know u wanna fuck me in the elevator on the way down, but seriously ive been here for over 2 years, so I think I know where the exits are big guy, but thanks for your total dedication"


So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a month......you would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.

Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...





and so i leave you with this:

I was watching TV around 3am the other day and saw an add for TEXT sex! I WISH i was joking. "text hot girl to 594939, standard text rates apply, 1.99 for the first text, .99 for each additional text." showing some hot chic on her phone TEXTING. ummm so your saying if i send/recieve 100 texts....that over $100........for a TEXT MESSAGE from some GUY from india. How about this......to down town, find a hooker for 100 (or less depending on location) and ACTUALLY FUCK SOMEONE!!! No cuz im too lazy, to get up and would rather JERK OFF to READING a text that i THINK is coming form a hot chic. Right. Im sold on the thought that who ever is using such service is possibly debating suidide.....hey dude..just commit suice..its more gratifying !!