Friday, December 25, 2009

What Decade is this...

Alright. Think of Billy Joel when you read the following:




Berlin Wall, Golf War, Invasion of Kuwait, World Wide Web
No More Soviet Union, Internet more popular then the television,
Hubble Telescope, sheep getting cloned, high on smack and dope
PCP, PCs, CDs, DVDs, and MP3s, high speed DSL, and watching Keenan and Kel
Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, Mortal Komat, Pokemon, Doom and Quake, then Sony PlayStation Rules all of this.
Microsoft Windows, Politicians doing Blow, Al Gore, MTV, still at war, Clinton caught with a whore.
Hip Hop, pop music, Britney SPears, Outing Queers, n Sync and Backstreet boys while Goth Music is considered noise,
Princess Di, Dr Suess, River Phoenix, John Candy, Richard Nixon, Red Foxx And Bob Ross
George Burns, Biggie Smalls, 2pac, Mickey Mantel and Joe Dimaggio
Kurt Cobain BLEW HIMSELF AWAY, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!


Movies using GGI, Jurassic Park, Titanic, Terminator 2, Toy Story 1 and 2, Star Wars flicks, doin crazy tricks in The Matrix
Independence Day, CG Alien, Forrest Gump along with Lieutenant Dan.

Tiger Woods, Ken Griffey Jr, Tanya Harding, Nancy Karagen, and Michael Jordans back again
Shaquille O Niel, Courts Appeal, steroids, Venus and Serena, Wachovia gets its own arena
Lance Armstrong, Wayne Gretzky, Sosa n McGuire fighting for the top, while WcW is a Flop.
Magic Johnsons HIV, crazy Charles Barkley, Dennis Rodmans hair, i dont really frickin care!

Soccer moms, mini vans, SUVs and Beanie Babies
Talking Furbies, Tickle Me Elmo, Tai Chi and also fighting Tai Bo.
Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Breakfast Cereals, Beavis and Butt Head, bad movies like Judge Dred.
Seinfeld, Baywatch, AL Bundy, and Friends, x-files is sci-fi, Simpsons and the Family Guy.


I will have an update for '00-'09. All the shit that happened then. :-)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Remember....

Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the american tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!
Let's fast forward to the current date
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, upload it to Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.
Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator


And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES

Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"
"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "




I remember great stuff like nick at night
and no one promoting any internet site
Biff always wanted to know if anybody was home
While u played with a NERF toy made outta foam.
Parents never let u see an R rated tape
So u watched cartoons in your superman cape
U can't forget those raisins who heard it through the gape vine
And Marty McFly going back in time
Along with McGruff tellin you to take a bite outta crime.
I Remember videos actually played on MTV
And that crazy VJ named Bill Bellamy
The boys used to love watchin their Rock n Jock
While all the girls went nuts for New Kids on the Block
U said off the wall things from beavis n butt-head
and thought everything was "EXCELLENT!" from Bill and Ted
Let's go back to when lucas was the only one to own the power glove,
And the big kids in arcades showing u no love.
Bart Simpson would always say, "don't have a cow man!"
And Al Bundy had his own club called "No Ma'am"
Now u sit back and watch re-runs of Viva La Bam
Toll booth willie always wanted u to pay,
then his customers would curse at him and drive away
Everyone was amazed by Jurassic Park,
Then you went to bed after the show Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Everyone knew Denver was the last dinosaur,
And the guy sayin "Buler" was such a bore.
GI Joe taught you that knowing is half the battle,
Then this show Hey Dude showed u how to ride a saddle.
Camp Anawanna, we hold you in a hearts,
But there was no way you would share your favorite pop-tarts
I remember that tasty gum named bubble yum
and when kids wore these shirts that read B.U.M.
I can't say I was coo coo for cocoa puffs
But I do remember pee wee gettin hauled away in hand cuffs.
And I bet no one remembers the sarcasm of Christian Slater in that movie Kuffs
Bob Saget always showed you home videos,
And that animated bee always wanted u to buy his cheerios!
Go on an adventure with Chip n Dales
Then stay for scrooge mcduck and his duck tails
Jim Henson was known for his fraggle rock
Then on halloween you dressed up like a silverhawk
Levar Burton didn't want you to take his word for it,
But MC Hammer thought he was too legit to quit.
I remember when Kriss Kross wanted to make you jump,
And everyone had to have the latest Reebok pump
Just when you thought u could drop outta school
Mr T would step in and Pitty the Fool!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

"REALITY" Shows That Are NOT REAL

This blog is going to be about those shitty shows you see on TV that are called "reality" when in fact they should be called "Advanced Game Shows". There is nothing REAL about douche bags living in a house or on an island with cameras on and doing "challenges". Since when would u and a roommate live together, then all of a sudden, get a letter on your door from your landlord stating you and your roommate MUST dress as the village people and go down town and try to collect money for Gay Rights. And if you didn't you would get kicked out. Pretty sure that hasn't happened to me. although i might have gotten a similar note saying if i dont pay $700 by the 1st, i can start looking for other places to live" Ive been watching NBC lately and ive seen these adds for this "SHOW" and im using that term SHOW very LOOSELY because its called "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" Funny because when i saw the add on TV, i didnt see ANY "celebrities". I seriously thought it was a joke show, since i was watching conan when i saw it. Then during the commercial break i see an add for it AGAIN....im like no FUCKING WAY this is a REAL SHOW?!?!?!???? SO i went to NBC.com and saw it was one of NBCs new shows in their line up! WOWW SO i clicked on it, and i shit u not, this is the cast of "Celebrities" that are given:

Heidi Montag
Janice Dickinson
John Salley
Lou Diamond Phillips
Sanjaya Malakar
Spencer Pratt
Patti Blagojevich
Stephen Baldwin
Torrie Wilson
and finally,
Frangela

Now, ive HEARD of some of these people and based from THIS "lineup" of people ive NEVER heard of 4 of those people. NONE of these people have done ANY movies (well maybe except for Stephen Baldwin, but when the FUCK did u ever go "oh yeah that movie with Stephen Baldwin was fucking EPIC! if you did his role was VERY small and it was well over 10 years ago which hardly qualifies this douche has a celebrity) Now lets break down this list of people. (btw, i had to WIKI like 60% these people to find out WTF they where in or are "FAMOUS" for)

Heidi Montag- stupid ass blond broad on this FAKE tv show called THE HILLS that everyone knows is SCRIPTED and not a REAL "reality show" (this person isnt a celebrity, since this show is FAKE)

Janice Dickinson- An Ugly ass old broad who ironically has been on a show called Americas Next Top Model and judges woman who are more then half her age to say if they are models are not, when SHE herself looks like a fucking DEAD FISH trying to breathe that last breath of air after its been caught. (this person is not a celebrity by being able to tell if other woman are models are not)

John Salley- This guy i actually USE to like, hes a former NBA basketball player and use to be on a show called "BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD" which was really good. (this person doesn't qualify as a celebrity because all this guy does is sports shows, and use to play for the NBA.

Lou Diamond Phillips- guy was popular in the 80s and 90s for TV and shitty movies....yeah maybe if this was the 80s or 90s he COULD qualify as a celebrity, but its 2009, so um.....NO

Sanjaya Malakar- All this guy is known for is being a REALLY shitty singer on American Idol a few seasons ago and somehow got 7th place due to fuck faces voting for a terrible person as a joke. And shitty i really mean absolutely terrible. Like if this guy where to sing in front of Record Label excecs, they would want to have who ever gave this guy a microphone murdered....Saprono Style. This guy gets my vote as "THE FUCK OUTTA HERE" for a celebrity.

Spencer Pratt
- again, ANOTHER guy from this stupid ass show called THE HILLS, a FAKE reality show that is scripted and the acting is terrible. BTW, if u ever watch this AWESOME TV show on E! called THE SOUP, this fella Spencer gets made fun of CONSTANTLY just about EVERY episode and is known for his "Creepy Flesh Colored Beard" NO NO NO and NO as a celebrity

Patti Blagojevich- Wife of a former CROOKED politician Rod Blagojevich, you know that stupid cock face that has a wig that looks like the ass end of a skunk?!! HOW IN THE FLYING ASS COCK is this stupid cunt even REMOTELY considered as a goddamn CELEBRITY!!!??!!! jesus H christ!


Stephen Baldwin- ummm yeah enough said

Torrie Wilson- apparently shes famous for being on WWE. I dont watch wresting. SO i guess she was popular in the early 2000s then did a shoot for playboy. Oh yeah that DEFINITELY qualifies her as a celebrity. The ONLY reason she was on WWE is cuz shes got a GREAT body, is blond so all the little boys watching could get a hard on and would tune in to watch just for her. NEAT. yeah super, any dumb fucking broad can do that

Frangela- Anyone know? i really have no idea....i tried to wiki this broad said she does comedy and was featured on that show BEST WEEK EVER....u know...shit thats on VH1....VH1 a Reality show channel that USE to compete in the 80s and 90s with MTV playing these things called umm... MUSIC VIDEOS. for you people that where born in the late 80s and only remember MTV...the VH1 stood for "Video Hits #1" oh and on a side note......MTV actually stands for "Music Television" they need to just change that to RSTV, or STV, meaning Really Shitty TV, or Shitty TV. Last time i watched MTV, Carson Daily was Hosting this VIDEO show entitled Total Request Live. aka TRL

Well there u have the "STARTING LINE UP" of complete non-celebrities. This show should actually be called one of 3 things:
"Im NOT a Celebrity, GET Me Off TV!!"
"Im NOT a Celebrity, NO ONE CARES!"
"THIS IS A BULL SHIT SHOW ONLY DUMB FUCKS WILL WATCH!!"

FYI, NBC is the LAST PLACE network, and putting THIS on TV, executives think people will watch this?! Well....im sorry....thats my fault, this is america.... 90% of Americans are fucking retarded and have an IQ lower then their shoe size. So if its on TV people will watch it.....i just dont fall into the 90% i fall into the 10%, and if your reading this....im putting YOU into the 10% as well cuz you prolly know me perosnally and have common sense ;-)

Monday, May 25, 2009

New NBA Rules*

What's up bloggers. I'm really pissed off so I figure Ill write a blog while I lie in bed here writing this on my BlackBerry. Yes that's correct. I don't need a $3,000 Mac Book Pro, or sit out side a gay starbucks drinking a frappafuckachino while I think I look important on a laptop. No sir!! I'm in the dark doing it from a BlackBerry!!!

So I've been keeping up with the NBA eastern conference finals. Orlando and Cleveland. Both teams are very good, but Orlando is prolly the king of comebacks! And since I'm residing in Orlando, naturally ill be routing for them, and also cuz they are the underdog. There has been 3 games and orlando is ahead 2-1. If u watched any of those games...the officials have been calling the most asinine calls. Someone farts the wrong way, you'll get called for a technical foul. My condolences to Dwight Howard for refs calling ridiculous stuff on him. Guy coughs and is called for technical left and right. If your not familiar with NBA rules (and believe me I'm still learning..read on to find out new ones) , if u get 7 technical fouls (during a season but in this case the finals) u must sit out an entire game. Refs have called 5 technical bullshits in only THREE games on Howard!!! I really think someone payed off the refs so LeBron can play in the final game so NBA can promote him and make money the only way they know how: being greedy jew fuck faces! "Oh we can't have Dwight Howard play in the Finals..he plays on Orlando...pshhh orlando not a profitable team..fuck that!" Watching the officiating was like going to a "basketball school for referees" and these guys where officiating their very 1st game for an elementary school. Christ I could have put ray charles and stevie wonder in these games and they could have done better job then these clowns!!! I'm not really sure they fully understood the game of "basketball". maybe they thought they where going to ref an ice hockey game? Or football? I'm not sure. Because 2 games ago a cat from clev. (After making his own shot) threw the basketball at dwight howard's back when he wasn't looking. I don't care if u play basketball in iraq, underground in a cave with a hoop...that's a technical!! For some reason "no one saw what happened" or maybe they thought it was an "incomplete pass, turnover!" I also didn't know that if your name is LeBron James you where aloud to swap away a ball just before it falls into the hoop. Maybe cuz he wears "23" you are allowed to do what ever u want. Along with lebran missing a layup, then after he misses we call the foul. That's a new one as well. I also discovered a new rule in basketball....that ONLY if ur name is Dwight Howard if u block shots without touching a player while behind the 3pt line and hitting only the ball....u can be called for a foul...and LeBron gets 3 free shots. I'm ALSO learning another cool rule that accidentally elbowing another player in the face while in MID-AIR, is an intentional flagrant 2...then put down to intentional flagrant 1 after reviewing the replay. I felt bad for the cat on Cleveland but....umm wow really?? "Intentional" while in mid air!!?? AFTER reviewing the play???? Did those guys see what WE saw? Did the goofy computer tech add CGI at the last minute?? There might also be a new rule where players who play on Cleveland are allowed to take THREE steps from above the key while holding the ball going to the hoop...I'm not 100% on that one but am double checking my sources. Alright. I've been watching basketball since I was like 7.......I've never seen so much bull shit in only 3 games. The NBA wants to keep Dwight Howard off the court as much as possible. So I predict in game 4 thell call 2 more technical fouls so he can sit out for the entire game 5. Lebron will fake like he was hit in the face and the refs will buy into it like a rich stupid fuck tourist! Then I'm sure they'll make up some stupid crazy shit call where the old ass sport caster goes "ohh woww...I haven't seen that called since '63 when (insert name u haven't heard in ages here) was playing!! I didn't know that was still in the rule book!!" And then you'll see in on sports center for like 3 weeks!! Or maybe you won't cuz the NBA will pay off Stuart Scott not to make any wise cracking jokes! In any case, I really hope the "officials" in the next game take their thongs out of their asses, put on their Larry King seeing glasses and throw away the money that was given too them and ref a FAIR GAME. Let's just once pretend LeBron James wasn't giving you falatio before the game!! Call me old fashon but I'd like to see a fair game without the magic working 50X's harder just to get around 658052 terrible calls!!! I'm pretty sure LeBran doesn't go into the locker room crying like a Kobe (my new word for bitch) after losing a game. LeBron is a mild manner cat, its not like he's gunna start attacking people just cuz he LOST coughKOBEcough. Sorry had to clear my congested throat. Gotta get that checked. Well I think that pretty much does it for this rant/blog/story/news update. Until next time, u might just have yourself thinking: "NBA, Where Ridiculous Happens!"

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Way of My Life

Ok, this might shock some people or even might make some people look at me differently. But I wrote the following in about an hour or so. Its just what I have going thru and I chose to express myself this way, and not just a rant. So here it is, enjoy and make some comments either at the bottom or on facebook to tell me what u thought.

can't understand the reality of my life, just don't wanna put down this jagged ass knife, can't even find me a nice girl to make my wife. As I look through the other side of this window pane, all I feel is sadness and pain, everyday seems like clouds of rain. Livin this way makes me go really insane. When I look into the future I never picture success, because all my life I've been a damn mess.
Even when I try really hard i just don't seem to progress.
Every year goes by like hands on a clock,
You just cant live life as if it were a boardwalk.
Ten years just went by like a speedin car
I feel that my life is just sub par
No one really gives a damn if you too go far
I wish I could go back to when I was a child
Back when I was really wild
A time when things were a lot more carefree
When I didn't care about a college degree
I'm talkin about no cell phone calls and pages
Back when people slaved for minimum wages
When I thought being 30 wasn't for ages
Now its twenty oh nine
And I'm 27 and almost past my prime
Things seem really bad to where I can't even save a dime
All I can do is sit here wasting time while I put out another rhyme.
When I come to reality it sure is scary
Its like the 2000 election and results may vary.
I wake up in the morning just like everyone else does
Only problem is that I don't seem to go anywhere and my life is sittin here on pause.
I don't think its normal to think about death every single day
Or if I killed myself what people would say
Some think kurt cobaine had the wrong answer to the question
But is not caring if you die a sad impression?
Or maybe its just a crazy obsession.
Last time I was happy it was 2003
And ryan seacrest was new to TV
Things for me just went to hell after that
I just went nowhere in no time flat
I drank more then a kid who joined a frat
Downing drinks made life temporarily great,
Little did I know it could decide my fate.
Every job I've had I've been fired from
DUIs and fuckin random girls may seem dumb
But back then I was walkin to the beat of a different drum.
I would drink myself until my whole body was numb
Still I couldn't make enough money to even support a bum.
I knew I couldn't live like this very long,
So I packed all my shit cuz I didn't belong
Moved to the good ol sunshine state
A place where I could start a clean slate
I found myself a nice job and a place to call my own, a place as big as the georgia dome.
I made a few friends but nothing like the ones I had at home.
3 years later I'm back at square one
No job, and nothin I do is any fun.
Some people think I'm silly
But I really wanna move back with my boys in philly.
I'd rather go back to the good ol days
Drinkin beers on weekends and catchin some rays.
Not being thousands of miles from people who care, cuz finding friends like I have is pretty damn rare.
If I had only one goal, it would be to find myself real happiness inside my own soul.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I Remember......

Alright boys n girls this isnt going to be my traditional blog, in fact you wont even see ONE CURSE WORD here....yes REALLY! This is not going to be about "my crazy life" and this posting actually has nothing to do with me being mad ticked off or even anything to do with me. I wrote the following based on what it was like to live back in the good old days and comparing it to what things are like now......and this is why i chose the title "I Remember" so you can go back to when things where simple and care free. So here you are, enjoy and reminisce:

Alright everyone take a look over here
Stand up and put down your favorite mug of beer.
I'm gunna take u back to the good ol days
Back when u were Rockin leather jackets like happy days,
And players hit real home runs like willie mays
I Remember when there was no CGI
Bad guys got away scott free without CSI
Watchin miami vice after dinner eatin,
Then learned a lesson from alex p keaten
I remember Disney made good flicks like aladin and the lion king
No american idol where everyone thinks they can sing
TV was actually worth your prime time
And it was cool to get on nickelodeon for that gooey green slime
Movie effects where done very poorly
But everyone wanted to be like funny cop axel foley
U didn't wanna be runnin from COPS singin BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS...
Less u thought they where will smith n martin lawrence from BAD BOYS
You went to bed with a buddy named glow bug
U didn't have baggy pants wantin to be a hardcore thug
Because you had Teddy Ruxpin and lite bright
tellin girls "come dream with me tonight"
Everyone had the famous block called lego
And the hot phrase was "hey lego my ego"
Ill even take u back to the after school snack
Twinkies and the round fruit roll ups
Drinkin kool aid outta party cups
Remember JD Roth on Fun House,
And the American Tail of a talkin mouse?
Well go back in doc browns time machine
Fighting crime like a mutant teen
And wantin to paint your face green
I liked the days of no 360 or PS3
U in cally and I'm in PA!?
Dag dude, aint no way that we can play
You had to invite your friend over the traditional way!
If u got kids u always have to say
"Well back in my day.."
If you where rich u had the Zack Morris cell phone
And no one had the hottest ring tone
If u wanted to hook up u actually had to have game and meet at your place
No options to just go on myspace
And end up stranded on 1st base
Cuz her picture wasn't even her real face!

Let's fast forward to the current race
High School reunions are going to be obsolete,
Old bully from high school finds u on facebook, just hit delete.
Aint no real reason to actually meet!
iphones and blackberrys make everything a lot more easy
But at the same time can make a grown man sleazy
Like textin teens tryin to get em out they dress
Amazing how u can get out of a traffic mess,
Break out that trusty slick GPS
type in the address u even get corrections
No need to ask pizan for bad directions!
Blockbuster is doing some shady tricks
Gettin put outta business by online place called Netflix
Watch the latest movie with 3 easy clicks
Would u like to show an old friend a picture?
No problem, just upload it to a site named Flickr
This option makes it a heck of a lot quicker
You just found out your boss is making u work late and can't watch your favorite tv show,
not a problem cuz that's why someone invented TiVo
Enabling you to watch prime time on your own dime.

Ghotbusters used to be the best exterminator,
Now california has its own terminator
Unfortunately this aint the movies and there is no john McClain
Twin Towers got hit, and thousands of people where slain,
Friends and families couldn’t deal with the suffer and pain
Innocent people saying their last words on that airplane
People still have bumper stickers that say I Remember
For that tragic day back in September
I remember when the president had no concept of politics,
Because this entire country has fell like a ton of bricks
We now have a guy who can finally understand,
Hopefully tryin to get the terrible back in hand
Its like the great depression with this economy,
People with no work is a crazy tragedy.
Even people who do have great jobs,
Might end up in that infamous “meeting with the bobs”

And it seems heaven sent we now have a black president..... who's making very smart CHANGES and REARANGES
Even Back in '96 tupac said he wanted "changes"

"We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start makin some changes. let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't workin so its on us to do what we gotta do...to survive "

I don’t see how a guy named weezy calls himself “the best rapper alive”
This guy is worse then a bad skit on Saturday Night Live.
I remember when Hip-hop had true meaning and you could always relate
Id rather not listen to anything in its current state
I hope you rappers go away faster then an episode of elimidate.

I didnt write this to be famous but more to inspire
Not trying to be big and build an empire.
Just wanna be remembered for something before i can retire.
And just before I head to the big place in the sky,
Just want to let everyone know even they can get a good piece of the pie.
All you have to do is work hard, and do the best you can and give it a try.


There it is. I hope people can keep the spirit of "i remember" alive. If you liked what you read and thought i was good...please give me your input, i greatly appreciate it. THANKS!!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

JD Power and Associates

Have you ever watched tv or listen to the radio (yes such format STILL exists) and then you hear something like "....was rated #1 by JD Power and Associates..." I would like to go head and really dis-agree with that....cuz its probably more like "ok yeah our product really sucks ass....but at LEAST we have it rated #1 by a totally USELESS company that no one even knows who or what the fuck they even do!" Well guess what...im here today to fill you in on such information. Now before you fuckers "wiki" this company or start saying shit like "wow u dont know what they do?" im not here to LITERALLY fucking tell you EXACTLY what they do....or this blog would be...well pointless to YOU and me....cuz who the hell wants to read about such ridiculous fat hog seman. SO im gunna give you a typical run-down secnerio of what goes on at the company. First let me start off with the name......JD... POWER AND Associates? well the only conclusion i can come to is the JD stand for Jack Daniels because that what they are ALWAYS drinking at meetings....and the word POWER was just thrown in there to give it more fucking ridiculous PAZAZ! and the "ASSOCIATES" are just Random fucking people that happen to be WORKING in the same building and just call these other people in for daily meettings to call them "associates". SO lets set up a meeting in the beginnign of the day in a medium sized board room. There are about 15 people at a table who all have 5 shots of JAck Daniels and redbull each. Now the head guy in charge has his shitty power point presentation up just to look important when he really has no goddamn idea what hes even doing since hes more hung over then John McClain. So the meeting starts of with every1 doing a SHOT together and to chase it with redbull. So then the head guy has a a picutre of some useless product that never sold so now that have to it their SEAL of approval so it will sell more just because its got "JD POwer and Associates" slapped on the fucking commercial now. SO read the following and i have given u detail for everything:


Head Guy Running Metting: Hey Steve!!! wake the hell up!!....i know your wifes ugly but we gotta get shit done here.........loook this pissa shit fucking car ....u see it??? WHAT DO U LIKE ABOUT IT!??

Mike: umm....its got wheels? and....its BLUE?

HGRM: EXCELLENT perfect..i like your attention to detail...youll go far.....so would u rate this #1 compared to say a 1975 Dotson?!

Mike: uhh.....wow yeah sure....but hold on i gotta take 2 more shots....WHOOO HOO! YEAH #1!

HGRM: great NEXT UP..... TIM......customer service for tmobile...i know its SHITTY and u gett Shaquilla answering the phones like shes got more important shit to do then take your FUCKING call because YOU dont know how to look at your bill online....

Tim: yeha actually i called them last week because of the 1-900 charges when i called a tranny asian hooker for phone sex i "claimed" didnt come from me.....and told them musta been some one stealing my ideneidty....so they called me back 3 days later and bought it.......so yeah i would DEF say Customer support is top not......

LeeRoy: MAAAN what the fuck u smokin....i called those mufuckas last night and wouldn't even take a four dolla charge off my account....and on top of THAT tried to fuckin sell me PHONE insurance in case i lost it...when my question had nothing to do w/ that........

Tim: i know that shit can happen.....but at least at the end of every call they say "thank you for calling tmobile, have a nice day"

LeeRoy: .......yeah....that is TRUE......good point....yeah YO LETS ALL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!!

Every1 in room: YEAHHHHH WOOOOOOO TMOBILE #1 in CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!

HGRM: ok anyone know what this is on the screen here?

Some Dude that no ones knows and came for the free shots: is....is that a new iphone??!

Random Guy finishing up his 4 lines of coke: AHHHHH umm ACTUALLY it is....its a prototype apple has been working on for half a decade now...and plan to release in 2010.

Free shots guy: its just a wand?!!

Coke guy: ive got the prototpye right here......catch.......now push button "A"

Free shots guy: holy fuck! this thing is like that holigram in starwars.....and all u do push the on screens hologram buttons in the AIR?!! WOW im sold.....

HGRM: yeah....best part is apple is paying us a cool 15 mil to tell every one that its the best phone ever created and has 10 awards by "JD POWER and Associates, including BEST DESIGN" which in fact we dont even have 10 types of awards but we just say that for shits and giggles!

Free Shots GUy: nice..... i like how things are run here....ive got an idea...how about we rate Bushes 8 Years in Office and give him an award.....and just tell him "based on Americans....and people at our company, We have chosen you as #1 President" and just give him one along w/ a notarized piece of paper that reads "#1 in Excellence" Then when he REALLY thinks hes getting hte award we just all BREAK out laughing are assses off!

HGRM: FUCKING FABULOUS!!!! I LOVE HOW YOU THINK!!! MATTER FACT...GET MARRY IN HERE............hey MARRY PROMOTE THIS GUY TO SENIOR VP of MARKETING!!

FreeShots GUy: ummmm......yeah...so i actually dont even WORK here...i work in accounting on the 5th floor for Wienstien and Kentelburger Attorneys at Law...i just wondered down her for the the free shots cuz this room gets pretty loud since im right above you guys.

HGRM: FUCK IT!! EVERY ONE FINISH YOUR LAST SHOTS...AND GET THIS FUCKER A JOB HERE!!!!!! Dont forget our company motto........"WE RUN SHIT HERE...........YOU JUST LIVE HERE!!"

Mike: umm....isnt that from the movie...Training...

Mike: shut the fuck up man......do u WANNA get us fired?!

HGRM: ALRIGHTY NEXT MEETING IS AT 2....DONT FORGET EVERY1 GETS A FREE BOTTLE OF JAGER IF U ATTEND!!

*CROWED CHEERS*


*****THE END***
so THAT is my inteturpritation of what goes down at a typical JD POWER meeting. before i go i have a pet peve i wanna get off my chest......it has to do w/ people on myspace or facebook......like y is it necesarry to take a god damn picture of yourself IN A MIRROR?!! like ARE U TO LAZY to turn the camera AT YOU.....or is every1 too fucking retarded and dont know how to use an AUTO TIMER!!! yeah they exist on EVERY camera....i can fucking guarantee you this! SO i have a random picture for you that i saw on some1s facebook....and i just couldnt comprehend "WHYY??!!" so here is that picture:



ok FIRST OFF.....its in AN ELEVATOR!!!
SECOND.......WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MIRROR IN THE ELEVATOR!!??
THIRD: y take a picture of YOU and your stupid CUNT friend IN an ELEVATOR in the FIRST PLACE!!!!! there should be filters on myspace and facebook for stupid fucks like this!

Ive got no quotes or anything to leave you with....so just enjoy til i write a new one on monday.....cuz ill be in Philly gettting PHUKED UP beyond recognition!!!! Dont worry ill hav some fucking story to tell..........

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Moving to Philly (hopefully)

As you may or may not know, i dislike FL a lot. I think its made for people have have an IQ lower then a retarded cockroach. People are WAY to fucking slow and im not talking about old people. Im talking about and random analfuck walking the streets. The WORST possible drivers from PA, NJ, and NY would be classified as top notch NASCAR drivers compared what goes on here. Just the other day while i had the awesome gratification of sitting at a red light...which ill get to later, but there was a guy in the LEFT lane going to make a LEFT turn. I saw the green arrow....and the guy was sitting there.......hmm...then people started honking at him...hey you taint sniffer, move your ass...and turn off your gay FALL-OUT BOY music and get off your cellphone before i RAPE your mother in front of your kids!! Well i could have cared less since i was the other lane but this guy waited fully til the light was RED... again. I just sat in my car and laughed. But lets get back to the "RED LIGHTS" in Florida. if you are at ANY light in the state of FLORIDA then your vehicle needs to be equipped with an IN-DASH DVD player, an xbox, a lawn chair, sun-screen, and $5. Ill get to why u need all this very shortly. If you live in PA or some other city then your lights are possibly 20-30 seconds TOPS. Here in florida...well shit...as you pull up to a RED light your forced to sit there for...well....put it this way.......i could call over a hooker have her give me a handjob for $5, then turn on my in-dash DVD player thats got xbox360 hooked up and play about 40% of GTA IV to settle my aggravation. Then i could put my car in park, get out a lawn chair, grab my sun-screen, and set it up on the sidewalk next to me while i read todays paper that i stole from the businessman waiting for the bus while i get a tan. After all then i could get back in my car, and STILL have enough time to listen to side A of a harry potter audio book narrated by Movie-Douche, Tom Cruise. As im flipping to side B the light would turn green only to stop at ANOTHER red light 50 feet down. Oh wow another red light, now i have time to pay my bills, go to the DMV, and wait in line for the new iphone....(u know, the new iphone that has copy and paste, 32 gigs, MMS messeging, voice dial, video recording, ability to run more then one program at a time.....you know stuff it SHOULD HAVE HAD A YEAR AND A HALF AGO!) But anyway you get my point.....or at least never travel by CAR in the state of florida......go rent a SEGWAY. Its economy efficient and will get you to your destination probably faster then your 2010 BMW* sitting in your garage. (*really your 1994 ford escort, but is what you TELL people you have) I really think you need to pass some kind of literacy test to become a Floridian. Stuff like:

1. if a train A leaves philly at 9am, and train B leaves Los Angeles at 10am..then at what time will train A leave philly?

2. If you have an orange and a pear, and u take the orange away what do you have?

3. If Susie is running a lemonade stand and is selling lemonade for 5 cents a cup and serves 32 people lemonade, then what product is Susie selling?

4. True or False: The color black is actually green.

5, True or False: The word FALSE is spelled F-A-L-S-E.

6. Multiple Choice: If Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and Donatello of the Ninja Turtles had a conference meeting where would it be held?

A. Apple Headquarters
B. back seat of KIT from Knight Rider
C. Iceland
D. Who gives a shit, because non of them exist

7. If you could be a invisible for one day what would you do?

A. Secretly have sex with your sister
B. secretly have sex with your cousin
C. secretly have sex with Fred Savage of the wonder years
D. Rape as many woman who ARE NOT FRED SAVAGE and who ARENT related to me.

8. If you drove to work on Monday at 9am, then came back from work at 5pm that VERY same day, then What day of the week is it?

9. If Dale Earnhart Jr died in the Daytona 500, would you still live in a trailer?

10. How many MILES are in the Daytona 500? HINT: the number starts with a five and ends in double zeros.

Im sure 80% probably couldn't answer these questions.

Ok so i hopefully will be moving to Philly very soon, I just hope someone will call me within a week because i sent out like 50 resumes last week to every possible Tech Job within a 30 mile radius of Philly. I also found out TODAY that i WONT be receiving unemployment i applied for the 26th of January. Yeah it took these lazy fucks an entire month to process a claim. Fact is if you get fired from your job and NOT laif off.....FL wont pay you. YOu should have seen the application i filled out. It asked me some pretty asnine questions about my last job stuff like:

Where did u work,
how long did you work there,
who is your supervisor,
what is his name,
why did u leave
if u where fired what was it for?
What what did your supervisor say to you when you where fried
How many warnings where you given before your termination
Where they VERBAL or WRITEN or BOTH
When where the warnings given to you
Did you receive anal sex from your manager
When was the last time you took a shit at work, and for how long was it for
Did ever think about having sexual relations with a co-worker
Does your company allow you to masturbate in the womans bathroom if no one was using it
Did you steal a pen, a staple, a sheet of paper, stay at the water cooler more then 5 mins
Have you ever come in late and tell your boss it was due to traffic when really u just slept in?
And finally, DID YOU EVER GET THOSE COVER SHEETS ON THE TPS REPORTS?


I wish i was joking about the 1st 10....it took me about an hour and half to fill all this horse FLOP. In PA it was simple
"Where u fired, laid off or did u quit? and if u answered, quit, then u cant claim. PA doesnt give two fucks why u where fired unless it involved criminal activity. At this time i would like to give 2 big FUCK YOU's to the following:

My ex-manager SHAWN KENT....thats right i USED his FULL NAME...hope u die in a coma while you have aids as Magic Johnson takes his "AIDS PILLS" in front of you laughing.
The State of FL for telling me basically you can SUCK COCKS IN HELL before we give you FREE MONEY! well gues what......COOL! FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!


And now this is the END of my BLOG so telephone, tell a friend and telemundo!! Its back, with class, style, twists, and lots of language not suitable for any cunt who is offended.....
and i leave you with the following quote:

"And if i OFFENDED you GOOD.......CUZ i STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK!"

-Eminem, Slim Shady LP

Saturday, February 21, 2009

New Blog. New Location. Same Comic Genius

Lets start off with something like wow…really? A BLOG? Cant be serious? When was the last time I did one? Shit if I remember….maybe the Aztecs where fighting a war…could be. But Im bored as hell and would like to just write about some craptacular events that’s been going on with me. Oh yeah since I don’t use MySpace you wont be reading this on it.

SO lets start off with my job. OH I meant to say my FORMER job. Because I got fired about a month ago for the most asinine bull shit due to the fact my NEW manager was more a douche-face then any of those clowns on that one reality show (I don’t fucking know just pick one, your set) Before I start my banter here is how im going to compare my old manager to my newer one:

Old manager: Jay-Z or Will Smith (as an actor not a rapper)

New manager: Vanilla ice w/ a side of Millie Vanillie. Topped off w/ Tom Cruise

So I knew before I met my new manager that he was going to be a huge fuckstick who cared way too much about his job…..u know like the overly excited power happy manager at the McDonalds you worked at when you where 16…yeah THAT GUY. So this guy singles me out like every fucking day asking me why I talk to people the way I do, saying I YELL at them. Which is half true. The people I yell at are the DEF OLD people who cant hear what im saying after the 2nd time….so I SHOUT at them. Apparently my manger doesn’t like that. Well super, try talking to a 87 year old who thinks he still lives in 1947 and cant hear. So then one day he calls me over to his desk so I can listen to a call from prev. night. I sit down next to him…..im like “yeah you got headphones for this?” his like “no we BOTH have to listen using the speakers. Im like “ummm okay. (this is out in the opening where any1 passing by can clearly hear whats coming out of the speakers) SO then then I proceed to ask “sooo…..is this good bad? Or….what…he looked at me w disgust….and said “just listen”. Im like WOW I hope your die in a plane crash tomorrow. (meaning not a plane crashing with him in it….a plane crashing into him while driving a car or walking) After about 20 seconds he says “so u recognize this call” im like “yeah its only 20 seconds….and I take massive calls each day..i dont really remember so far” then he STOPS the recording and says “whats your problem? Do u WANT to be here? Matter fact just go back and sit at your desk we’re through here”. I looked at this guy with ut most amazement. And was like “well FIRST off u never don’t me if this was a GOOD call or BAD call……so…im just tryin to figure out what this is here” he proceeds to tell me to get out of his desk area. So im like fine whatever…I stood up was about to curse at him…then said...its not worth it. Then he calls me into his office the next day and tells me my calls are bad and im not talking to people with respect, and you are very condescending. Which I am at TIMES but not all the time. But he just went off to banter about all my mistakes and never tells me anything positive. Awesome, maybe this guy can do de-motivational speeches for Emo kids. SO a week goes by and he comes back to me with another mug full of tiger shit. Has me watching a call I took with screen capture……Now before I tell u what happens next here is what happned with that call:

I was using a remote control software to loginto my computer at home that has VISTA cuz the person I was helping had vista so I figure I use my PC as a guide. But when I logged into my computer I had totally forgot what was on the screen PRIOR to me leaving it on from the night before. There was a video of porn paused, and a page of nude woman on my bowser, and since I know they take screen shots of my call….i was closing it down REALLY FAST…needless to say it only took me like 5 seconds to close out.

So back to the wonderful debacle w/ me and my manger. Im looking at the screen and I knew exactly what it was…..so I just said “ok ok….stop ….i can tell you…….i know that what I had on the screen was inappropriate for work obviously. But as u can see I CLOSED it out quickly. Now the reason I was using this software is to help people out who have vista since my machine has it and is in real time. This way I can better get the customer working instead of thinking and guessing off the top of my head. So its not like I DELIBRATLY went to a PORN site, because why would I do that? There is no gratification in such material at work.” Now if you where a normal human being, you could possibly just put this matter to rest. But no, this guy is #1 on the douche list of all time. So instead of just saying ok fine don’t let it happen again or giving me some “verbal warning” this cum-wad said the following, brace your self:

“well its not up to me to decide, because im taking this to HR and they can decide what happens”

I sat there and looked at the guy w/ a face “are you fucking serious?” NOT UP TO YOU?!!! Like hell it isn’t!! Sure cuz people in HR know exactly who I am, and I give them high fives in the hallways. Sure absolutely! So then I again stated my case, as if he apparently didn’t fucking hear what I said….”again…this wasnt me doing this purposely…so how can HR decide….your the one looking at this matter right now…not them” Then….then he said something that just amazed me even more…”well I just wanted to get your side of the story” MY SIDE?! Look asshole, I just gave u my “side” what “OTHER SIDE” is there?!! The side where u poll the audience and see what they think? This guy CLEARLY had documentation seeing exactly what I was doing on the computer because it was a VIDEO. Then I said “u saw the call…so what other side” hes like “well I didn’t view the entire thing since this was given to me by the “Quality Assurance Guy”. Then hes like “well this is a matter that crosses our internet policy so I HAVE to give this to HR and then they can decide what will happen.” Here is the reason he did this…..because he needed just ONE thing to give HR so he has a reason to fire me. Here is how the meeting went down in HR w/ my “CASE”

HR: so we have this guy who had pornographic images while on a call……well I mean we have to get more info about this person so lets call his manager….

Shawn (dbag manger): this is shawn

HR: about your worker scott….i mean it does cross the line but probably not means for dismissal…..what kind of worker is he and has he been a problem in the past?

Shawn: well yes, he doenst know how to talk to customers correctly very condescending and frankly this is the last straw….so my recommendation would be to have him released from the company.

HR: ……………well if that’s what it is…then sounds like we have to do what we have to do..right?

Shawn: correct

So back to story in hand……after I had that convo with him I was 95% sure I was pretty much fired, was just a matter of time. By the way this was a Thursday.

SO no Monday rolls around and I come into work at 1pm. My manager is sitting at his desk, and I pass his desk everyday going to my desk, so he sees me come in. after I worked for 1 hour he calls me over to his desk…roughly 2pm and said “meet me in the conference room” Who the hell fires someone on a MONDAY after ALREADY being there for over an HOUR!!? Thats like being a salesman and closing a deal with a client then your boss saying “good job closing that….oh yeah by the way….your fired” its like WHAAT?! So I collected my shit, and was like “yeah so u have a box or something” gutys like “umm…no” then I said okay…well can I at least visit one of my friends real quick? “yeah….i don’t think so” wow ….i never in my entire life have hated a person so much EVER. I only knew the guy a month. So that’s a big accomplishment if you can become the biggest douche bag and being #1 douche on some1s list by only knowing them for less then a month….thats fucking dedication right there!! This asshole had the nerve to tell tellme “give me your badge and I will PERSONALLY escort you out of the building myself.” At this point I would rather have the #1 rapest serial murder escort me out then this guy. I wanted to say “well you don’t have to be so kind…I know u wanna fuck me in the elevator on the way down, but seriously ive been here for over 2 years, so I think I know where the exits are big guy, but thanks for your total dedication"


So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a month......you would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.

Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...





and so i leave you with this:

I was watching TV around 3am the other day and saw an add for TEXT sex! I WISH i was joking. "text hot girl to 594939, standard text rates apply, 1.99 for the first text, .99 for each additional text." showing some hot chic on her phone TEXTING. ummm so your saying if i send/recieve 100 texts....that over $100........for a TEXT MESSAGE from some GUY from india. How about this......to down town, find a hooker for 100 (or less depending on location) and ACTUALLY FUCK SOMEONE!!! No cuz im too lazy, to get up and would rather JERK OFF to READING a text that i THINK is coming form a hot chic. Right. Im sold on the thought that who ever is using such service is possibly debating suidide.....hey dude..just commit suice..its more gratifying !!