Monday, February 15, 2010

Blue Magic

I'm chillin in my warm bed writtin this on my blackberry. I usually think of most of my shit while I'm on my bed rockin da berry. So bitch, BlackBerry should fucking be payin ME to write these blogs or at least gimme a blackberry for free! Shit, I might as well go up to canada (where RIM is located) and the convo with corp. cat would go like the following:

Me: cmon man hook me up!!
CEO: hook u up? Fuck outta here!
Me: man, I got these blogs mayn! Good blogs!
CEO: I got REAL writers for that, so if u aint a professional wit experience then u assed out!
Me: then fuck u bruh, is it cuz I fucked your wife!?
CEO: fuck u just said!?
Me: *gun at guys head* you heard me, and I ate her asshole out like a box of gadiva chocolates! Her shit tasted like a fuckin king size kit kat!! Oh and by the way I broke her off a piece of dat....piece of dat dick! Now gimme dat prototype BlackBerry Storm 3 that u got in your pocket son! Thanks!

Alright let's get this blog poppin faster then a virgin fucking on prom night! So this blog is gunna be the night before the superbowl and the day of the superbowl. You know, that weekend u don't remember much cuz you're more trashed then a drunk gremlin! Yeah so its Saturday night and I wasn't really expecting to go out cuz I was chillin in my room killing 5 year olds in Call of Duty. I get all hyped I'm cap'n these fuckers left n right, then at the end of the game I hear their voices and then I get the feeling of when u get a blow job from a chic when your drunk, then afterwards she's like "yea so I'm really a dude" you just don't know what to say. Maybe in both situations you could say "yeah, you sucked". Anyhow I get a knock on my door "hey!! Stop playin your game and come here". I hope she's not gunna tell me she has aids! She tells me to get dressed cuz we were gunna go out to a bar with a few of her friends. I'm like yes!! I can meet her friends! (Please make yourself aware of this part) Awesomeness! So I jumped out my chair faster then if black people were to find out a place is giving away FREE chicken wings n orange soda. I got all dressed up and put on some of the finest fragrance...AXE Body Spray, for MEN! (Funny they call it "for men" because I would have definitely thought that a body spray in a black bottle located in the mens area was SURLY for woman. Thanks for clearing that up, AXE) Now I'm pumped up and ready to head out the door. I asked where we were going, and again some fuck hole place I never heard of. So we get in her whip and I asked who all is gunna be there. The next few names she said, agreed with me about the same as if someone told me I was going to a Clay Aiken concert. She gave me 3 GUY names!!! At this point I think I would rather be FUCKED by clay aiken back stage while jerking off Carrot Top!! There go my chances of meeting female ass!! Of CORSE she has only has guy friends, cuz she's a fucking crazy whore that would fuck a leprechaun with a 3" green cock! Oh yeah if you don't live in FL, bars don't sit by themselves in an area, they are in shopping center complexes, so after u get your food shopping done and get a hair cut, u can walk next door and pick up a slore at the bar! This concept always blew my mind when I moved here. They should sorta combine the two...a barber shop and a strip while your getting a haircut, have the barber make u a drink, then have a broad come up and give u a lap dance! The fuck else u gotta do when getting your haircut! Nothin! So u might as well get yur dick hard, and have a drink! Plus the barber gets a better tip cuz he made u a drink, the topless broad gets washingtons....and u getting a haircut and your dick hard!! Its a WIN, WIN, WIN scenario!!! Best idea ever! Hey, if I see one of these pop up in the next year, I'm huntin YOU down sir!! Ok back to my story. We walk inside the bar, and I actually thought we just walked into a small pizzeria. I wanted to ask the bartender for an italian sub! There was booth tables like u would see at a McDonalds, or small eatery. So imagine a place like that packed to fuck with ppl sitting and standing. Yeah so she finds her guy friends and asks me what pitcher of beer I wanted. They didn't have yuengling for some reason, so I drank the anal liquid from a beavers ass called "bud light" after drinking only one, I'm like fuck this ass water! Went up to the bar tender and got a long island double. We sat down at the small bar on the reverse side of the real bar. I pretty much kept quite since I had no fuckin clue who these clowns were. Did I mention they had karaoke there? No? Well I was in for a big fuck in the face sideways with what I was about to hear. This nasty fat ugly troll whore gets on stage and starts signing the WORST rendition of Alanis Morrissettes "You Outta Know" (if that song wasn't bad enough to begin with) imagine Chewbacca trying to sing...yeah that's what I was witnessing. I was hoping there was forks/silverware present so I could jam them as hard as I could in my ears til I bled to death internally. Thank fuck no one sang after that! I think everyone was too busy vomiting and clearing the shit stains out of their ears. Shortly after that we all left because her friend wanted to find this bartender. her GUY friend wanted to find a GUY bar tender! I'm like ummmm okay!!??? So we left and went down the street to the next place. Apparently this guy bartender hooks him up. I don't know maybe a quicky or a blow job in the back!? Well whatever I couldn't care less. So we get inside and i told the LADY bar tender "1 long island please" I tunred my back as she made it, then turned back around and saw a BLUE drink in front of me. She's like "there u go" I picked up the glass and said "hey lady, did a smurf CUM in my glass!?? The fuck is this!?" I kid u not that's what I said cuz I was kinda tipsy. Broad looks at me confused "u ordered a blue long island" I'm like "uhhhhhhhhh no I didn't, I said ONE long island" then she's like ill make u another one if u want...I told her na don't worry about I took the glass over with me to where everyone was sitting outside. Yeah I looked reaallly gay walkin around with a fucking BLUE drink!! Red flag to all woman "heeeeeeeyyyyy look at me, I'm sthooper gay!" At any rate I started shooting the shit and drinking this drink and i ordered another REGULAR long island. I got kinda fucked up cuz I don't remember anything, I think I almost past out in robyn's car. BTW, this other one guy was in her car too, and he spent the night. I came home and ASSED out on my bed. I woke up like fucking 12pm to a text "wake the fuck up man, its superbowl sunday!!" By Robyn. My head felt like it was shoved up a pigs ass while it got run over by a tank. I took a sip of ib profin (meaning however many pills came out the bottle is what I took) This is where my story ends. Nothing happened on superbowl sunday, went to her friends house, I got semi drunk and passed out on the dudes couch for the game. But I did want to point out one scenario during that is that short short story:

I had like 3 drinks of rum n coke n had to take a piss. I asked the dude where his bathroom was, and he's like "right down the hallway". I walked into the dudes bathroom and noticed his toilet was BLUE!! Im like uhhhh...okay? Never seen this before. Took my piss flushed the toilet, then washed my hands and noticed he didn't have any soap..I look around...and there was a big plastic see thru box with pink liquid soap in it hanging on the wall!! Just like in a public bathroom! Get the fuck outta here..I step back, and the dude also has the paper towel bin hanging on the wall as well!!! So I washed my hands and dried my them, like I would ina public bathroom. So now I'm thinkin y doesn't he just get a urinal installed! All he needs now is the homeless man in there handing out paper towels, mints, and cologne! I went back out and was like " yeh...what's with the soap dispenser and paper towel dispenser dude!?!" Get ready....3...2...1 "oh yeah that, hah, I wanted my bathroom to look like an authentic place just like a bar...I also have the neon beer sign there too see?" So I just gave him the Jim Halpert blank stare. And was like "interesting to say the least" Why the HELL would ANYONE wanna do that?!! fucking dumbest thing i ever saw in my life! Thats like having a shitty 13" TV, a 1985 telephone, a coffee maker, a bible and a mini fridge in your personal ROOM to look like a shitty motel room! WTF cmon SERIOUSLY!?

Another interesting event occurred the other night. Ill add it in now what the fuck! So this slore comes home with a guy a few nights ago. It was like 130am.
I could tell she was tispy or drunk cuz the way she was laughing. I was in my room minding my bidniss. I never left my room nor did I see who he was and I really didn't care either. I was watching a movie w head phones so I didn't want to over hear anything..... if u know what I mean! I hear a bunch of thunking and voices...I take off my headphones...and I hear the broad say "so r we gunna have sex!?" Wow the second I take off my headphones! Awesome not really...I was being sarcastic! I'm like awwww fuck. But some part of me at that point just wanted to walk out and just say without introducing myself "ahhhh alrighty so when are getting this 3-way started" just to FUCK with who ever that cat was!! But I didnt so I put my headset back on cuz I'm not a sick fuck who would want to listen to someone else fucking..especially THIS broad!!! Then as time goes by I hear "I want your COCK slammed in my shitter you dirty fuck!!! I want u to literally FUCK THE SHIT out of me!!!" ....................actually that woulda been nastyand funny as hell at the same time if I actually heard that! But no I didn't hear anything...props to SONY for the noise canceling headset I was rocking! One last thing should be noted before I bounce...I went into this broads room when she was at work, and get ready for to her night stand by her bed....was a fucking WRENCH!!!! What in the WHORE was she using the wrench for!!??? Did this guy like getting his nuts viced? Does she masterbate with it!? I know, she shoved one end in her twat and the other end in the guys asshole and they double fucked each other! Yeah I wasn't gunna touch that shit cuz I would prolly get gonorrhea from just touching it...christ I may get OXY-AIDS ! What's OXY-AIDS? That's when u find out u have aids by just breathing the oxygen in the presents of another person who does have aids, then u die 2 weeks later!

That will to it for this edition of my blog..stay tuned next week ill have mo, Fo sho'! And here is your moment of ZEN:

Me: you have off work tomorrow right?
Robyn: heeeellll yeah!! Getting drunk and fuuuuucked up!!!
Me: (thinking to myself) wow umm so where can I point this broad in the direction of (CABAA, no not the blood code for mortal kombat on sega) Crazy Ass Broads for Alcoholics Anonymous!?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Leather Vest

Ok so id like to thank the cats who have been keepin up with my blog for the past few weeks. This blog is going to be about this one night i went out. IVe been saving this one up mainly cuz i didnt know how to put this shit into words. But i think im ready to post a new BLOG.....oh oh...if your at work READING this....u might want to read this via your celly phone. The stuff here is PRETTY explicit, as you already know.

OK so lets start off a week before the superbowl, since i couldnt give 3 Ron Jeremy COCKS about football or even the Superbowl. So me and Robyn went to some ASSHOLE in the wall of a bar. It was like 10pm and we where both just sittin around watching TV..and i was prolly gunna pass out like "The Guy on the Couch" in the movie Half Baked. Then outta nowhere she is like "hey lets go out and do something". Im PRETTY sure it was a fucking thursday or wednesday, i forget...but it was a random fucking night. I look at my watch...and was like "well, lets go to a place that doesnt have POOL tables that Washington and Jefferson played on to settle score between two hookers they ordered." So shes like well we can go to this place called "SportsTown" they have good tables there. Again I dont know this area of orlando too well, so i was down for whatever. I should have done research on bars before moving here, because THIS place....was...well..i dont wanna spoil the fun. Before we left we took a "shot" of Jager. i poured them, so it was REALLY like TWO shots into a small glass. shes like "jesus christ thats more then a shot" im like "BITCH, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and DOWN the shit LIKE YOU DOWNED MY COCK, u SLORE!" .....nah i didnt say that...but i just told her to shut up and down it. So when we get there, she walks in first, and im looking at this thinkin to myself...WOW a RETRO BAR...1985 came in and made a BAR! (should be noted this WASNT a retro bar) oh i must point out there was one BLACK guy there. Im like phew...i can fit in now. We walked to the bar and the tender asked me what i wanted. I shit u not cat gives me a MENU....OF FUCKING BEER! I wasnt feelin beer so i was like "yeah lemme get a Long island" dude looks at me like i raped his mother witha wrench. " we dont serve liquor here, only BEER!" Then my JAW dropped like HE just got done raping MY mother....with a BASEBALL BAT! i had to collect myself of this asinine shit. Let me just point this out better.....thats like walking into ATT and wanting a cell phone....then the sales rep says "yeah so THIS store only has Pagers" WHo the FUCK wants THAT SHIT?!!?! u go to a BAR to get FUCKED UP! i dont wanna drink BEER at a goddamn BAR cuz i dont get DRUNK off it! Well jokes on me cuz my ass was more fucked outta luck then Ja Rules rap career. So my Beer of choice all night was yuengling and Heineken. I told the tender "ill have a Heineken"....again...i dont know WHERE these FUCKS get thier BAR tending licenses...guys like "bottled?" PREEEETY sure an IMPORT beer isnt on im like "oh u got it on tap?!" then this fuck is like "uhh no just bottled" ...............THE FUCK!!!!!!! are u KIDDING ME?!!? Then why the ASS would u fucking ASK me if i wanted it BOTTLED when u dont have it on tap u DUMB STUPID ASS FUCK!? So we get the balls and play for a while. The tables where actually decent. They looked like maybe the last people to play was Obama and Clinton over which fat white chick they wanted to fuck first. Like everyone drinking beer u gotta take a piss....but i couldnt find the restroom. I asked the bartender "its right there on the right where u came in" i look at the door "BOYS" well i hope they didnt let Michael Jackson here...(aww cmon too soon?!) I walk into this "facility" im like WOW...ok lets say it looked like your buddys bathroom in his shitty apt. if his SHOWER where a STALL, and his toilet was a PISSER! I was really debating to just piss on the floor, or maybe the sink...but yeah there was no lock on the door. BTW the door looked like an over sized saloon door. it should also be noted that there WAS NO FUCKING SOAP NOR TOWELS! I hope the bar tender doesnt take a piss or a shit! After playin pool there was a SKEE BALL machine there....hmm maybe they DID make this place for michael jackson...80s lookin, mens room says "boys" skee ball....maybe i should have asked for "Jesus Juice" Im like WOWW i havent played skeeball since....Show Biz Pizza! yeah THATS right..SHOW BIZ PIZZA! the machine even gave tickets. im like tickets? i didnt see a PRIZE area! i whooped her ass in skeeball and i HAVENT PLAYED since i was like 8! i got like 10 tickets, so i asked her what we needs these for? shes like "well put your phone number on the back and they put u into a drawing where u can win $50 to $100 if they call you up" i couldnt care less really. by now its like 145am and i was gunna get the tab, so we went over to the bar and sat down and this chic is wasted, but STILL keeps ordering drinks. 2am rolls around and i asked for my tab. chic ordered THREE drinks then closed her shit out. im like yeah its 2 they gotta close. I gave the bar tender my card, he asks me "debit or credit" thats odd...i never been asked this before at ANY bar...then again i forgot this is fat kid with downs syndrome of bars. Im like "uhh...y? does it matter?" cats like "we charge a 1.25 for using credit cards, so u wanna do debit?" Im now learning what bars to NEVER EVER EVER go back to EVER. I think i would have rather got drunk and watched The Notebook while getting head from Andy Dick. Regardless, the tender asked me if i wanted the TIP on the card as well. Im like yeah add $10 to the total. so i had to put in my PIN with the TIP! Most craziest shit ive ever heard of...WTF is this WALMART?! SO i payed the man, and sat back down to finsihed the drinks. its now like 220, and the woman bar tender...who looked like a FAT Kathy Bates...yeah so that means she looked like Kathy Bates X2...comes over and tell Robyn to leave, im already outta my seat tryin to get this broad outta here. We finally left, and i had to drive her car yet again. Here is where the story takes an M Night Shamalan...245am pull into the parking lot...girl drunk as shit...wants to fuck me or go inside, right? be more incorrect then when getting the FIRST question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. These 3 guys are out by an open trunk of a car so im thinkin cats are dealin something. We get closer and one of dudes is SITTING in a LAWN chair, one has a DOG, and the OTHER has a BOTTLE OF Liquor. TAIL GATING AT FUCKING 3am!?!! In a parking lot of an apartment complex?!?! People from the south must do LOTS AND LOTS of fucking METH then reproduce. SO this broad wants to meet these cats im like "uhhh..what?! its 3am! u dont even know these dudes!" i park the car she JUMPS out and goes over and introduced herself. Now i got a better look at these dudes...i introduced myself. The dude sitting IN A LAWN CHAIR...was...wearing...WOWW..a LEATHER VEST! grandmaster flash was like 30 years ago bruh. I dont know maybe these cats came back from a village people bar, and he forgot to dress back into regular clothes. So these dudes where just chillin shootin the shit. these cats were drinking and passin around a bottle of Captain Morgans Parrot Bay. Im actually sober and didnt wanna get drunk, and REALLY didnt wanna drink outta the bottle these fucks were drinking from...cuz herpes is a nasty disease. The one guy with the DOG was from upstate NY, one cat was from GA, and the guy with the leather vest...well i dont know cuz he was chilling in his LAWN CHAIR!! The guy from GA had a southern accent and sounded like Larry the cable guy high on coke. This guy was prob no more then a buck fitty. (English: This person weighed no more then 150lbs) He started talking about some random shit that i didnt give a fuck about. Watching my COCK get smaller would prob be more interesting then this dude. SO everyone including Robyn was passing around that bottle of parrot bay. The dude with he dog kept making fun of his friends, which he was pretty funny, dude had a come back every stupid ass thing his boys said. At a certain point of the night the skinny fuck wanted me to PUNCH him in the FACE! Yeah he was one of those white people who gets DRUNK and wants to start fights for no REASON what SO EVER. I just cant understand white people. (yes im white, but these people fucking blow my mind, why they wanna start fucking fights, is beyond me) I told him i didnt wanna start any bull shit. he called me a pussy. im like "look bro i dont know u, plus i dont wanna start anything" so then he asks Robyn to punch him...she was like "are u serious?" he like yeah punch me. So she punched him in the arm then the chest. Then this ass clown wanted her to punch him in the face. WOW what i witnessed next was like watching a replay in SLOW mo of Ron Artest punching this cat in the bleachers in that pacers game! She punched him AS HARD as she could STRAIGHT in his JAW fucking 4-5 TIMEs!! im like "OOOOOHHHHHHH SNAAAAAAP!!!!!" (if your unfamiliar about such events, read this under "Pacers–Pistons brawl") This mother fucker fell to the ground harder then DEEBO in FRIDAY!! "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUUUUUCK OUT!" so after a few moments this cat got up and started to WRESTLE this broad!! yes WRESTLE!!!! on the ground of fucking BLACKTOP!! im just thinking to myself "yo man, white people are CRAZZY!" so this broad and this cat are doing whatever and she starts going toward our apt. its like fucking 430am! So the guy with the dog and I start going over to them saying " we gotta get going, its pretty late and i gotta work tomorrow" This broad starts SCREAMING at me SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DONT HAVE A JOB ASSHOLE!" (since she was drunk i was HOPING she wouldnt remember) So my mans with the dog, (oh i forgot it was a small dog like 3 feet long tops) started telling his boy that its time to peace out. My room mate started inviting this dude up to our PLACE!!! im like "WOAH WOAH, nah, we gotta get going now....." broad starts PISSING at me worse then an episode of Real World in the 90s. SO my boy with the dog gets his friend up and i get Robyn up, and she RUNS as FAST as she can to our apt. TOTALLY pissed. I gave my respects to the cat who was trying to get his boy outta there, and went up to the apt. I open the door, and this bitch starts SCREAMING at the top of her lungs "Whats the FUCK is your PROBLEM you fucking COCK BLOCKER!!!" i had to think of something REALLY i said "wow, really? you dont even KNOW that dude, and i DONT know that dude, y the FUCK are u inviting him to the crib?!!" shes like "i can take care of myself, DONT FUCKING tell me WHAT i can and CANT do ASSHOLE!" since im sober i can think of a come back.... "well WTF i HAVE NO IDEA who he is, plus YOU dont either, and i dont want someone i DONT know up in here, If you knew him i wouldnt care, but u DONT, so IM looking out for BOTH of us here!" that shut the bitch up faster then a virgin getting his dick sucked for the first time. Then i went into my room and just chilled on my bed. Since this broad is more crazy then Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, i hear this broad throwing shit against the WALL and screaming really loud. Im like wow..does DICK that BAD get u THAT much upset the u have to throw a FIt!? His dick was porb only 3". Bitch i coulda layed the cock to you but i wont, since your shit is worse then fucking a DEAD FISH in the middle of August! (go ahead and vomit here, or at least get yourself together) SO i closed my door and fell the fuck asleep cuz i didnt wanna deal with this dumb fucking bitch anymore. Then i wake up to text message around 12pm saying "im sorry for treating you like i did, u didn't deserve that" ....i was surprised as fuck that she even REMEMBERED what she even SAID! cuz i know if i was more trashed then Oscar the Grouch i wouldn't remember a fucking thing i said. SO i told her that she was acting a fool, and i was tryin to help her ass out cuz she didnt know that dude. So she proceeded to say that she could take care of herself and didnt need any help in the future. Im like "well whatever yo, next time shit like this goes down, im just be like whatever and not even pay attention to the bull shit that you pulled last night. But if a cat goes into my crib and wants to FIGHT..theres gunna be more problems then a 50 cent and Ja Rule Concert.

Well thats that, i still have WAY more stories to tell, but i didnt wanna put that into this blog cuz it would be like reading a book in chapters. Ill prob write the rest of this in a few days, cuz i know people dont like READING...ooh wow...READING holy shit!! i know READING is like KRYPTONIGHT to poeple in this age "OHHHHH NOOOO I CANT READ THISS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But if u actually CAN read then ill write my next blog in a few days. Well this is pretty much where i END my shit with a here is you're moment of ZEN:

"Well When you gotta go, you gotta go" -Walmart employee when i bought toilet paper.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Shady Business

Ok so now that you have an understanding of who my roommate is, I can just go into my story without any explanation cuz Santa Clause says it best "Hoe Hoe Hoe" So last night was some pretty random fucking shit. Lemme start off by saying this broad wants my dick but for some reason doesn't wanna fuck me...cuz I'm not her "boyfriend"...but ill get into that sketch that down on your pad if your takin notes. So we agreed to do something the other night for friday night, but didn't know what yet. But before I get into THAT I'm gunna start off by telling you about my job....and what happened to me Thursday morning.

If you don't know, I work at SunTrust bank in orlando thats actually a call center type of place...but I work in the IT area and don't answer calls. My job is to move bank branch's network drives from one server to another, and start back ups on the server before it gets moved. I've been there for LESS then a month. The reason me and another guy where hired is because 2 guys before us fucked up majorly by saying they did work but really didn't do shit for an entire month. So I came into this job...1 month behind. When I found THIS out I'm like r u fucking serious!!?? 2 guys fucked everything up now 2 other guys have to clean up this shit!? Hmmm sounds familiar right!? Let me put this into perspective..kinda like how bush n chainy fucked up 8 years, now Obama and Biden gotta come into the game and suppose to clean up all that shit, that's almost impossible to fix in the amount of time that's expected!?? Yeah right. Obama been pres for one year and ppl expect fucking miracles...fuck you to ppl who think he's suppose to have everything fixed. Same thing here....I've been there for only 3 weeks and they expect to have massive results when we are 4+ weeks behind from day 1!!!! So I walk in the door thursday. Sit down and tryin to get ready for the day by logging in and getting ready to start work. ( "boss" has been there for 20 mins already...just note that) Then I get a call from the company that I'm contracted through. Ill give you the convo below:

Me: hello
Stupid Ass Broad: I'm lookin for scott?
Me: yeah that's me
SAB: this is christy from insight global (company that pays me) umm...I tried calling you yesterday but....are u at work now?
Me: uuhh yeah y?
SAB: oh have you talked to your manager yet!?
Me: um no....what for?
SAB: well they have decided to let you go
Me: .................what!?? What for!!?
SAB: well its best you talk to your manager about this but yesterday was suppose to be your last day but I couldn't contact you, but they feel its not working out the way they planed
Me: ..................are you serious!?? This makes absolute no sense. But okay..
SAB: well just talk to your manager then call me back okay?
Me: uuhhhmm uh okay.

So I get off the phone and am like amazed by what just happened so I took a few mins to collect myself and shit before I would go to my manager. Then my phones rings AGAIN....

Me: (noticing its the same broad again) yes?
(I shit u not this is what was said to me)
SAB: yeah so don't talk to your manager its best you just walk up out of your cubical and leave the site. Don't worry about saying goodbye to anyone just get up and leave the premises, and once you have left the site please give me a call back.
Me: (like 10 second silence) wow...*deep sigh* I was half chuckling cuz I couldn't believe what was being told to me. Then I tell this bitch "umm yeah whatever, sure" then hung up.

So then I'm like...this is some BULL SHEEEEIT!!! So I went over to my manager and was like "yeah so I just got off the phone with insight global and they letting me go?! What's the deal?!"
Guy gets up out of his chair..."yeah unfortunately...I just found this out last night @ like 930" *silience* ummm okay....y? Is it cuz I was late that one day? I've only been here like 3 weeks...
"Well I don't really know but I have to call some people to really find out y, but Eric (a guy I NEVER met, and signs off on my time sheets) said that it wasn't working the way he hoped." I'm like "that means nothing to it because I've been a little bit behind tryin to catch up!?" He's like "no no the work quantity wasn't y either" me and him just had the most awkward silence ever cuz this fuck wouldn't tell me shit. I even flat out said "look I don't care what the reason was...I would just like to know y personally I was let go..that's all" guy didn't give me any answer just said "ill give u a call later on and find out" so then I'm like okay then......then rolled out like OJ in his bronco.

Ok so now that I don't have a job I'm in a worse situation the vanilla ice and MC hammer in the mid to late 90s!! May I remind you that I JUST moved into a new place, now I don't have a fucking job!??!! How am I gunna pay rent!!??? Well sir...ill get to that in a few...cuz I'm more pimpin then Kat Williams in the movie Friday After Next. So Friday I chill with my roommate robyn, earlier in the day she was talkin about her 16 year old niece and her friend coming over. I didn't really know why the fuck they where coming over but I'm just like ummm when she was ready to pick them up, she texted me..."hey I'm on my way home u want me to pick u up anything?" I told her I was good n didn't need anything, and thanked her. She comes home and was like "hey scott!" I'm like "yeah wuts up" I go into the kitchen and this broad had bought me a 6 pack of Yuengling Beer!! Cuz she knew I liked it, since its what I drank when I was @ the bar with her last weekend. I'm like "oh wow! U didn't have to do that...but thanks!" But it gets even better...she has a half bottle of fucking captain morgan...and she's complaining she got it from a friend and its only half a bottle!!! I'm like "hey its better then NOTHING right?! Plus it was free!!" And this broad starts pouring herself a captain and coke while these 2 16 year old broads r here. So we where going to a comedy club, an improve like "who's line is it anyway". She then asks me "who's car are we taking?" I'm like "not mine cuz its more of a mess then tara reid on any given day". The 16 year old whore cunts where going to stay at our place while we went out. All I said to these girls was "hey if anything is missing from my room...its gunna look like Friday the 13th up in here!" Blank stare....umm.... "So.. its gunna look like hanah montana in the movie saw!?" Yeah that got their attention. So we both left....with beers. Yuengling. Let's hope we don't get stopped by douche bag cop like in Harold n Kumar. Alright by now we r on the road and the comedy place starts @ 10...its now 1015. We get there like 11 cuz couldn't find the fuckin place cuz it was magically put in the back lot of a main street so finding it was like tryin to find where's waldo in a fucking candy cane warehouse filled with zebra! So we walk in an hour late...and this room where they were performing in was probably the size of shaq's guest bathroom! I mean wow..but since we were an hour late, there was no cover. Thank ASS I didn't pay for the $10 cover because these guys were as funny as watching paint dry on a dead body. Like I think I'd rather set up a chair and watch a Rhino take a massive diarrhea on to Larry King's face as Robert Downy Jr snorts it all up!! I didn't even break a smile...I don't know if anyone remembers this show from back in the day called "Make Me Laugh" but a person would sit in a chair and they had comics come up to the person and say ANYTHING they wanted to make the person laugh within the amount of time given, and if the person DIDN'T laugh they would win prize money. If these terrible comics where on that show I would have won everything. We were at the place for about 30 mins. I didn't order any drinks, but this chic ordered 2 beers and a rum and coke!! I'm thinking to myself jesus christ this broad doesn't fuck around. I just didn't want to waste money at a place that sucked more ass then a gay leprechaun at a richard simmons convention! We left in the middle of the show and the broad was more tipsy then Lindsey Lohan after doing meth off of Tom Selleck's chest. So she gave me the keys to her raggaty ass fuck hole of a ride, which would make Xzibit cringe! So me more sober then the pope took a journey back having HER tell me directions because my ass had to fucking clue where I was. During this process I asked her what bar we could go to since I didn't wanna go home. So she informed me on how to get to this one place that was near where we lived. While driving there this broad was grabbin my dick and kissing up on my neck like a hooker who just met Justin Timberlake! I'm like "whoa settle down I gotta drive...u don't want us to crash into a fucking pole do yah!?" Her reply to this was....wait for it....wait for it.... "No, but you are wearing AXE and it makes me so fucking wet!" I just started to laugh, but how do u you even respond to this!!??! I think I said something like "I know have this effect on everyone, I can't help it" So as we are pulling into this bar I'm asking her what type of place it is. Well maybe ill explain it a little better. If larry the cable guy were to own his own small time bar....this place would be it! Not a single person of the darker skin race was present. I saw more t shirts and trucker hats then at the daytona 500! So we go over and order drinks...keep in mind I'm looking DIRECTLY at the selections of vodka to choose from. I told the dumb ass broad bar tender "Let me get a double of Absolute Raspberry Vodka and sprite" ......she says "we don't have absolute, only three olives" I give her a confused face and started to point out the bottle right next to me. Also I should note that they didn't HAVE three olives raspberry, they had the cherry one! But anyway this bitch is like "oh yeah sorry" and made me the drink. Three-O is a really good vodka but since I had this @ home I'd wanna switch it up. I don't know what land this bar tender came from, but pouring the SAME fuckin amount of vodka as a regular into a bigger fucking glass...doesn't make it a DOUBLE!!! The glass was filled with ice to the rim! Maybe if a said "make it a quadrouple" I would have gotten a REAL double. Anyway, I ordered that and a bucket of miller lite for the chic. I know for this scenario I couldn't drink fucking LIGHT beer! So we went to play pool, and I shit u not the pool balls looked like they where from 1946, while the pool table needed to be refelted 20 years ago! So I seriously downed my drink as I looked for pool cues. ALL but ONE looked like Paris Hilton had used them for personal dildos!!! I'm like jesus fuck!?? When was the last time anyone maintained these things!? Was Thomas Jefferson still in office!?? Did people have to use powder from their wigs as chalk!?? At least they HAD powder there for your hands. So yet again I let her play "let's shoot the ball and what ever goes in counts" while I played actual pool. I think I had about 3 "doubles", yet I wasn't even CLOSE to drunk. Which was good cuz I would be driving home. So 2am rolls around and we leave the bar and get in her car. She starts talking about something and I can't even understand her cuz she sounds worse then ozzie Osborne if he were def! I do the smile and nod...then all of a sudden she jumps over then console onto my lap! Good fuck! I guess I had no choice. She wanted to fuck me right here! So she's on my lap as she's all over me like white on coke. I had to literally THROW her over to the passengers side! I'm like hey we gotta get outta here, look there is a cop car right over there! Which there actually was. Then I turned on the car and left the premise...and we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex.....

****Warning: Next Part Gets Pretty Graphic*****

Again she jumps over then console starts makin out with me and says "I wanna fuck you right now scott" I'm like alright let's go inside. She then throws the seat down and said "oh yes...pull my fucking hair and bite my neck" she started to BITE MY neck!!! I'm like "waoh!!! Hold on I'm not into that type of shit!!! What the fuck you think this is!?? Twilight!??" I'm thinkin alright we gotta get out the whip Cuz I'm not 16 and gunna make out in a goddamn car!! Fuck that noise with a horse shoe! So we got out and went into the crib. Remember those 16 year girls? Yeah they are still there. So I go into my room and just plop into bed. Not 10 mins goes by and she comes into my room and jumps on me yet AGAIN!!! At this point she had me wild'n out worse then a bronco at a rodeo! I was gunna fuck her but she says something that would have fall out your chair: "no, I can't fuck you cuz I'm drunk, and I can't get off when I'm drunk". I wanted to slam my head against the wall....I'm not really sure what happened after that but I somehow woke up in HER bed @ 6am. I'm like "what the fuck!!?!" Her ass was out like a hibernating bear, so I went back into my room, took a piss and went to MY bed. Broad wakes me up with a text message at around 1230pm. So she had already taken those chics back home and told me to come into her room. I got a drink then looked over in her room. She starts laughing.....I'm sorry did chris rock just start talkin about "black people and niggaz"!?? I'm confused. So I walk in and sit on her bed. "I need some dick" wow broad start grabbin my shit...and makin out and I had to rethink the scenario...and said "yeah I don't have any rubbers"..... now you probably wanna picture that part in Road Trip where the skinny kid is about fuck that huge black chic.... she tells me "so? I have some in my drawer over here, as a sexually active girl I'm always prepared" I open up the drawer and sure enough yes indeed......................***edited for content***................. Let's just assume that what I DIDN'T say u DON'T want to hear... TRUST ME on this!! All I know was it was prob the worse lay ever and had to take a 45 min shower afterwards. Remember in ghostbusters II everyone is covered in pink slime? That's how I FELT.

On the brighter side of life, she had to go to "work" later in the day and got to play MW2 @ night with friends and scream at 5 year olds while they curse @ me telling me "you got owned". Who let's their small young kids play fuckin war games!!?? If the government enforced video game ratings like they did with alcohol, america wouldn't be fucked up. Wait..never mind, yes it would....what was I THINKING!??? All I'm saying is don't sell a fuckin M rated game to a parent who's kid is right there!!! That's like having an adult walking into a bar with a young teen and the adult ordering what ever the teen says he wanted while the bar tender is right there, then sells it to the adult...and the bar tender turning a blind eye knowing its for the teen! Good job america! Anyway ima end this long ass fucking BOOK with a quote like usual. So here you go!!! Let's end this blog like The Sopran-

"Don't get upset if I find a boyfriend" -Robyn

Ahaahaah wooowww! First off, good fucking luck!!! Second off....hahahahaha yeah RIGHT!!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My New Roommate

Alrighty so if you are one of those people who haven't been following me on facebook, I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago. And not by myself. In order to save money I moved into a place with this broad who works at a hospital and sticks tubes down peoples throat to help people breathe, and resuscitates people as well. Please keep a side note of this in your head as I write more to this classic "bones blog".

Let's start off by saying that she works 7pm-7am three days a week. She also likes to drink..and when I say drink..I mean she would make Artie Lange look like a fucking Jonas brother!! Shes always drunk!! I thought I was bad..holy fucking ass! Broad drinks during the day and when ever she has free time. I actually thought she was a hooker. Works odd hours, lives near the worst street called "OBT" and known for its hookers in orlando. And just hangin out wit random fucks! When I first moved in, she was getting ready to go out to a bar to see a band with sum guy. She wanted to know my opinion about her outfit..then she pulled out a flask and was like "where am I gunna put this? I don't have any pockets" I just laughed kinda like when your friend makes a dumb joke about your mom. But she gave me a blank stare like peter griffin! I'm like "ohh u were SERIOUS!? You're actually going to bring a flask to a bar!!? " She's like "yeah I'm not payin the outrageous prices there, u fuckin kiddin me?" I'm like oh okay if that's how u roll thas cool. (Which is actually smart..order like a soda mix your own shit...pretty good idea actually hahaha) But I don't know anyone who carries a damn flask around...especially a chic!! But anyhow the REAL story at hand is this past weekend. Saturday afternoon she comes home with a chic that has a black eye. The girl said she got beat up last LOGICALLY I said "so what u got into a fight at a club or bar last night?" Then my roommate is like "no no no she's only 16." I'm like "ooohhhhh okay I see". Then I just kinda wondered away from the conversation but overheard them talkin about parties and drinking and somehow I heard "we gotta figure out a way to get you into the bar tonight" I'm like whhaaaaaattttttt !!?? While this conv is going on (Robyn is my roommate so ill use her name now instead of "my roommate") Robyn pours herself a jack n coke. It should be noted its about 2 or 3pm saturday. So I walk back into my room and I'm listening to an old school hip hop channel. The next song that comes on is called "I need Drugs" by this individual who calls himself Necro. So the 16 year old comes over to my room "hey I know this song...who does this? I'm like I actually forget..but its an older song" she's like "yeah yeah its called I need drugs right...I used to listen to this song and I know its older. " I was just like "yeah your right....I think its from the 90s". This song came out in 2000. 10 years ago. She was 6 for fuck sake!! I'd also like to point out she's not PR nor Black....she was this skinny blond hair white girl!! Ok so a 16 year old girl likes to drink...and does a lot of drugs apparently. Maybe this broad needs to make an appearance on MTV. What show!? Fuck if I know any show on mtv!?!? I don't watch MTV. Last time I watched that shit Carson Daily was hosting a show entitled "TRL" and massive kids would be in times square watching videos...holy shit!!! That's right VIDEOS!!!!!! Who woulda thought a television station with the word "music" in its title would really play music!?? That's a hard concept to grasp! But anyhow these 2 broads left short after and I'm like "have fun!" I had to fucking stop myself for a moment....damn what the fuck did I get myself into....fuck me!! Moving here was probably not the smartest idea considering this chic used craigslist to post the listing :-O I probably should have posted "lookin for decent chic with place to live with, in exchange ill fuck the SHIT outta you every month like no ones business...must send picture in email" That's how u SUPPOSE to use craigslist! Then I coulda layed the pipe and have free rent! Ok now let's skip to sunday evening. I just got done playin modern warfare 2 and it was like 9pm. I get a text from this broad saying "hey I'm at the bar, come on over and shoot some pool with me" so I'm kinda hesitant and didn't really want I'm like "I dunno maybe...who are u there with?" She wasn't there with ANYONE just by herself!!!!!!! Yeah so we're not an alcoholic at all! So I'm like fuck it ill go since its right down the street. I get there and she's racking the pool table, already drank half a pitcher of beer herself! So I ordered a pitcher for myself since she drinks piss water, bud light, which I can't stand. I'm like how long u been here for? She told me she just got there when she texted me. I'm like ooookkay then. So we played pool, for about 3 hours. A person who wants to play pool...u would THINK knows how to at least PLAY pool right!?? Or be decent? Yeah....this broad has NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! She just knows one person is stripes and the other is SOLIDS!! So I played by ACTUAL rules while I let her play "hit the ball and if it goes in it counts". So by now Ive drank a pitcher of beer and about 3 or 4 long islands. the tab was about 40 bucks and I offered to pay half...but she was so blitzed she's like "no! Just pay the tip" so I left a 10 spot (which wasn't that great of a tip but whatever its all the cash I had) So now we get back to the crib (by separate whips, but it was like a 2 min drive) and we r both trashed...this chic pours herself a jack n coke!!! She's already had a pitcher, and like 3 vodka n sprites. So I poured myself one cuz I didn't wanna look like a bitch. Let's write what happened next in parts...
1. Wrestled
2. I felt her up like a rapist (no I didn't RAPE, nor do I condone raping..isaid LIKE)
3. Made out on the couch while I tried to F her, but god denied cuz she's like "I don't think u can handle this!" Oh BTW broad is skinny (by my standards) prolly weighs a between a buck 110 and a buck twenny.
So after she said this I laughed in her face and said "ME?? Not Handle YOU????!! Ahha funniest thing I've ever heard! " Then I was like "cmon we should just get it over with...cuz i know u like me" then she's like "yeah I'm human I'm attracted to you!" I'm like woooowww this broad is soooooo sleazy!! Then I was like "ok then, then I grabbed her and tried to pull off her pants hahahah...yeah that wasn't the best thing to do..but anyway it should be well noted...this chic isn't that good lookin and I told my friends I wouldn't fuck her sober...I prolly would drunk tho" ahahaha so damn true tooo! Also its good I actually DIDN'T fuck her cuz my ass was fresh out da jimmy caps, and if did, I woulda tapped dat ass raw dog like DMX. Then my dick would feel like someone poured battery acid on it, and would have an unknown unheard of new STD that would have to be named after me "B.O.N.E.S" (Better Off Not Erect Syndrome) meaning every time your ass gets an erection, feels like your dicks on fire..but if u not erect u all good. Yeah but I went to bed like 430, 5am!? And its SUNDAY and I had work at 8am. Awesome...I woke up at 9am...look @ my watch "No fucking way!!!!!!!" I jumped outta bed faster than Tony the Tiger on meth!!! Which reminds me...I don't think he was eating frosted flakes....he was SNORTING frosted LINES! Or maybe the "frosted flakes" was really coke covered flakes. So yeah I get to work like almost 2 hours late!! We don't actually do work for the first 2 hours it wasn't that big of a deal. U know I just space out for a good hour and half anyway....I'd say in any given day I do probably about 10 mins of good solid hard work! So that entire day I felt like 2 trains collided into me and took about 7 diarrhea toilet was gettin more ass then a gay night club! Also when I got home that day...she was already wasted!!! She was "tryin" to show me how to cook pork on a charcoal grill. I don't think its the best idea to be drunk...and using lighter fluid, and fire. We have a porch outside and its WOODEN!! She was adding lighter fluid to the fucking already lit coals and flames would JUMP into the air right next to the wood!! She's tellin me not to worry cuz she's been doing this for years. I'm like okay if u say so. But really in the end she cooked some tasty ass honey mustered flavored pork!!! Hella props for the alcoholic broad who can cook drunk!! So after we ate I layed down and started to blog THIS very story u are reading right now!!!! Holy christ. My weekend was anything short of insane!! This is just blog one....I'm sure ill have more. But what I'm thinking of doing, is creating a twitter account called "ShitMyRoommateSays" kinda like this one guy who tweets what his dad says, and he calls it "ShitMyDadSays" its actually funny as fuck! Its this guy who's like 27, and his dad is really late 60s early 70s and his dad lives with him. So every time he says something funny, he posts the quote on his twitter! So there u have it....oh I'm sorry need to mention a few things....remember in the beginning I stated she helps people in the hospital and tries to save lives!??? Would u REALLY want this crazy ass broad be the one to help you when u can't breathe or about to die!!!!????? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! That's y she lives in FL. Oh and in case your wondering y the fuck would someone like this who makes prob a lot of money live in an apartment and need a roommate??! Hahaha get ready...cuz I have this covered. And when I found didn't surprise me in the LEAST!!! But still pretty fucked up. This is why:

* She had a DUI not long ago
* She is paying off student loans
* She is seeing a Psychiatrist
* Needs to pay for AA and a drug to help her quit smoking

I fucking shit u not this is the person I live with. Now let me leave you with a quote...or a TEXT, rather, she sent me LAST night!!! (Straight copy n paste)

"well get some sleep. its late. I kinda want to snuggle with u. Thats fucken weird, Right!" -Robyn

What the FUCK!?!!! Alrighty I'm done with this get @ me with your input/comments hahahah PZ Out Bloggers!!!