Saturday, February 21, 2009

New Blog. New Location. Same Comic Genius

Lets start off with something like wow…really? A BLOG? Cant be serious? When was the last time I did one? Shit if I remember….maybe the Aztecs where fighting a war…could be. But Im bored as hell and would like to just write about some craptacular events that’s been going on with me. Oh yeah since I don’t use MySpace you wont be reading this on it.

SO lets start off with my job. OH I meant to say my FORMER job. Because I got fired about a month ago for the most asinine bull shit due to the fact my NEW manager was more a douche-face then any of those clowns on that one reality show (I don’t fucking know just pick one, your set) Before I start my banter here is how im going to compare my old manager to my newer one:

Old manager: Jay-Z or Will Smith (as an actor not a rapper)

New manager: Vanilla ice w/ a side of Millie Vanillie. Topped off w/ Tom Cruise

So I knew before I met my new manager that he was going to be a huge fuckstick who cared way too much about his job…..u know like the overly excited power happy manager at the McDonalds you worked at when you where 16…yeah THAT GUY. So this guy singles me out like every fucking day asking me why I talk to people the way I do, saying I YELL at them. Which is half true. The people I yell at are the DEF OLD people who cant hear what im saying after the 2nd time….so I SHOUT at them. Apparently my manger doesn’t like that. Well super, try talking to a 87 year old who thinks he still lives in 1947 and cant hear. So then one day he calls me over to his desk so I can listen to a call from prev. night. I sit down next to him… like “yeah you got headphones for this?” his like “no we BOTH have to listen using the speakers. Im like “ummm okay. (this is out in the opening where any1 passing by can clearly hear whats coming out of the speakers) SO then then I proceed to ask “sooo… this good bad? Or….what…he looked at me w disgust….and said “just listen”. Im like WOW I hope your die in a plane crash tomorrow. (meaning not a plane crashing with him in it….a plane crashing into him while driving a car or walking) After about 20 seconds he says “so u recognize this call” im like “yeah its only 20 seconds….and I take massive calls each day..i dont really remember so far” then he STOPS the recording and says “whats your problem? Do u WANT to be here? Matter fact just go back and sit at your desk we’re through here”. I looked at this guy with ut most amazement. And was like “well FIRST off u never don’t me if this was a GOOD call or BAD call……so…im just tryin to figure out what this is here” he proceeds to tell me to get out of his desk area. So im like fine whatever…I stood up was about to curse at him…then said...its not worth it. Then he calls me into his office the next day and tells me my calls are bad and im not talking to people with respect, and you are very condescending. Which I am at TIMES but not all the time. But he just went off to banter about all my mistakes and never tells me anything positive. Awesome, maybe this guy can do de-motivational speeches for Emo kids. SO a week goes by and he comes back to me with another mug full of tiger shit. Has me watching a call I took with screen capture……Now before I tell u what happens next here is what happned with that call:

I was using a remote control software to loginto my computer at home that has VISTA cuz the person I was helping had vista so I figure I use my PC as a guide. But when I logged into my computer I had totally forgot what was on the screen PRIOR to me leaving it on from the night before. There was a video of porn paused, and a page of nude woman on my bowser, and since I know they take screen shots of my call….i was closing it down REALLY FAST…needless to say it only took me like 5 seconds to close out.

So back to the wonderful debacle w/ me and my manger. Im looking at the screen and I knew exactly what it was… I just said “ok ok….stop ….i can tell you…….i know that what I had on the screen was inappropriate for work obviously. But as u can see I CLOSED it out quickly. Now the reason I was using this software is to help people out who have vista since my machine has it and is in real time. This way I can better get the customer working instead of thinking and guessing off the top of my head. So its not like I DELIBRATLY went to a PORN site, because why would I do that? There is no gratification in such material at work.” Now if you where a normal human being, you could possibly just put this matter to rest. But no, this guy is #1 on the douche list of all time. So instead of just saying ok fine don’t let it happen again or giving me some “verbal warning” this cum-wad said the following, brace your self:

“well its not up to me to decide, because im taking this to HR and they can decide what happens”

I sat there and looked at the guy w/ a face “are you fucking serious?” NOT UP TO YOU?!!! Like hell it isn’t!! Sure cuz people in HR know exactly who I am, and I give them high fives in the hallways. Sure absolutely! So then I again stated my case, as if he apparently didn’t fucking hear what I said….”again…this wasnt me doing this purposely…so how can HR decide….your the one looking at this matter right now…not them” Then….then he said something that just amazed me even more…”well I just wanted to get your side of the story” MY SIDE?! Look asshole, I just gave u my “side” what “OTHER SIDE” is there?!! The side where u poll the audience and see what they think? This guy CLEARLY had documentation seeing exactly what I was doing on the computer because it was a VIDEO. Then I said “u saw the call…so what other side” hes like “well I didn’t view the entire thing since this was given to me by the “Quality Assurance Guy”. Then hes like “well this is a matter that crosses our internet policy so I HAVE to give this to HR and then they can decide what will happen.” Here is the reason he did this…..because he needed just ONE thing to give HR so he has a reason to fire me. Here is how the meeting went down in HR w/ my “CASE”

HR: so we have this guy who had pornographic images while on a call……well I mean we have to get more info about this person so lets call his manager….

Shawn (dbag manger): this is shawn

HR: about your worker scott….i mean it does cross the line but probably not means for dismissal…..what kind of worker is he and has he been a problem in the past?

Shawn: well yes, he doenst know how to talk to customers correctly very condescending and frankly this is the last straw….so my recommendation would be to have him released from the company.

HR: ……………well if that’s what it is…then sounds like we have to do what we have to do..right?

Shawn: correct

So back to story in hand……after I had that convo with him I was 95% sure I was pretty much fired, was just a matter of time. By the way this was a Thursday.

SO no Monday rolls around and I come into work at 1pm. My manager is sitting at his desk, and I pass his desk everyday going to my desk, so he sees me come in. after I worked for 1 hour he calls me over to his desk…roughly 2pm and said “meet me in the conference room” Who the hell fires someone on a MONDAY after ALREADY being there for over an HOUR!!? Thats like being a salesman and closing a deal with a client then your boss saying “good job closing that….oh yeah by the way….your fired” its like WHAAT?! So I collected my shit, and was like “yeah so u have a box or something” gutys like “umm…no” then I said okay…well can I at least visit one of my friends real quick? “yeah….i don’t think so” wow ….i never in my entire life have hated a person so much EVER. I only knew the guy a month. So that’s a big accomplishment if you can become the biggest douche bag and being #1 douche on some1s list by only knowing them for less then a month….thats fucking dedication right there!! This asshole had the nerve to tell tellme “give me your badge and I will PERSONALLY escort you out of the building myself.” At this point I would rather have the #1 rapest serial murder escort me out then this guy. I wanted to say “well you don’t have to be so kind…I know u wanna fuck me in the elevator on the way down, but seriously ive been here for over 2 years, so I think I know where the exits are big guy, but thanks for your total dedication"

So let me give u an idea of what kind of dude he is. So the guy i the white visor is him. and if you where to bet me he wouldn't wear his visor for just one day out of a would lose ridiculously. Kinda like trying to bet on the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl or Michael Jackson being black. So by just wearing a VISOR at your JOB everyday INSIDE makes your a fuckin cum-rag.

Random guy at work passing: So u playin tennis today?
Shawn: ummm no....y would ask me that?
random dude: ohh... never mind...see u later
shawn: why would i play tennis....oh well of to fuckin up someones day
random dude: what a fagg...who WEARS VISORS in 2009 when your not playing GOLF or tennis! wow...

and so i leave you with this:

I was watching TV around 3am the other day and saw an add for TEXT sex! I WISH i was joking. "text hot girl to 594939, standard text rates apply, 1.99 for the first text, .99 for each additional text." showing some hot chic on her phone TEXTING. ummm so your saying if i send/recieve 100 texts....that over $100........for a TEXT MESSAGE from some GUY from india. How about down town, find a hooker for 100 (or less depending on location) and ACTUALLY FUCK SOMEONE!!! No cuz im too lazy, to get up and would rather JERK OFF to READING a text that i THINK is coming form a hot chic. Right. Im sold on the thought that who ever is using such service is possibly debating suidide.....hey dude..just commit suice..its more gratifying !!

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