Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My New Roommate

Alrighty so if you are one of those people who haven't been following me on facebook, I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago. And not by myself. In order to save money I moved into a place with this broad who works at a hospital and sticks tubes down peoples throat to help people breathe, and resuscitates people as well. Please keep a side note of this in your head as I write more to this classic "bones blog".

Let's start off by saying that she works 7pm-7am three days a week. She also likes to drink..and when I say drink..I mean she would make Artie Lange look like a fucking Jonas brother!! Shes always drunk!! I thought I was bad..holy fucking ass! Broad drinks during the day and when ever she has free time. I actually thought she was a hooker. Works odd hours, lives near the worst street called "OBT" and known for its hookers in orlando. And just hangin out wit random fucks! When I first moved in, she was getting ready to go out to a bar to see a band with sum guy. She wanted to know my opinion about her outfit..then she pulled out a flask and was like "where am I gunna put this? I don't have any pockets" I just laughed kinda like when your friend makes a dumb joke about your mom. But she gave me a blank stare like peter griffin! I'm like "ohh u were SERIOUS!? You're actually going to bring a flask to a bar!!? " She's like "yeah I'm not payin the outrageous prices there, u fuckin kiddin me?" I'm like oh okay if that's how u roll thas cool. (Which is actually smart..order like a soda mix your own shit...pretty good idea actually hahaha) But I don't know anyone who carries a damn flask around...especially a chic!! But anyhow the REAL story at hand is this past weekend. Saturday afternoon she comes home with a chic that has a black eye. The girl said she got beat up last night....so LOGICALLY I said "so what u got into a fight at a club or bar last night?" Then my roommate is like "no no no she's only 16." I'm like "ooohhhhh okay I see". Then I just kinda wondered away from the conversation but overheard them talkin about parties and drinking and somehow I heard "we gotta figure out a way to get you into the bar tonight" I'm like whhaaaaaattttttt !!?? While this conv is going on (Robyn is my roommate so ill use her name now instead of "my roommate") Robyn pours herself a jack n coke. It should be noted its about 2 or 3pm saturday. So I walk back into my room and I'm listening to an old school hip hop channel. The next song that comes on is called "I need Drugs" by this individual who calls himself Necro. So the 16 year old comes over to my room "hey I know this song...who does this? I'm like I actually forget..but its an older song" she's like "yeah yeah its called I need drugs right...I used to listen to this song and I know its older. " I was just like "yeah your right....I think its from the 90s". This song came out in 2000. 10 years ago. She was 6 for fuck sake!! I'd also like to point out she's not PR nor Black....she was this skinny blond hair white girl!! Ok so a 16 year old girl likes to drink...and does a lot of drugs apparently. Maybe this broad needs to make an appearance on MTV. What show!? Fuck if I know any show on mtv!?!? I don't watch MTV. Last time I watched that shit Carson Daily was hosting a show entitled "TRL" and massive kids would be in times square watching videos...holy shit!!! That's right VIDEOS!!!!!! Who woulda thought a television station with the word "music" in its title would really play music!?? That's a hard concept to grasp! But anyhow these 2 broads left short after and I'm like "have fun!" I had to fucking stop myself for a moment....damn what the fuck did I get myself into....fuck me!! Moving here was probably not the smartest idea considering this chic used craigslist to post the listing :-O I probably should have posted "lookin for decent chic with place to live with, in exchange ill fuck the SHIT outta you every month like no ones business...must send picture in email" That's how u SUPPOSE to use craigslist! Then I coulda layed the pipe and have free rent! Ok now let's skip to sunday evening. I just got done playin modern warfare 2 and it was like 9pm. I get a text from this broad saying "hey I'm at the bar, come on over and shoot some pool with me" so I'm kinda hesitant and didn't really want to....so I'm like "I dunno maybe...who are u there with?" She wasn't there with ANYONE just by herself!!!!!!! Yeah so we're not an alcoholic at all! So I'm like fuck it ill go since its right down the street. I get there and she's racking the pool table, already drank half a pitcher of beer herself! So I ordered a pitcher for myself since she drinks piss water, bud light, which I can't stand. I'm like how long u been here for? She told me she just got there when she texted me. I'm like ooookkay then. So we played pool, for about 3 hours. A person who wants to play pool...u would THINK knows how to at least PLAY pool right!?? Or be decent? Yeah....this broad has NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! She just knows one person is stripes and the other is SOLIDS!! So I played by ACTUAL rules while I let her play "hit the ball and if it goes in it counts". So by now Ive drank a pitcher of beer and about 3 or 4 long islands. the tab was about 40 bucks and I offered to pay half...but she was so blitzed she's like "no! Just pay the tip" so I left a 10 spot (which wasn't that great of a tip but whatever its all the cash I had) So now we get back to the crib (by separate whips, but it was like a 2 min drive) and we r both trashed...this chic pours herself a jack n coke!!! She's already had a pitcher, and like 3 vodka n sprites. So I poured myself one cuz I didn't wanna look like a bitch. Let's write what happened next in parts...
1. Wrestled
2. I felt her up like a rapist (no I didn't RAPE, nor do I condone raping..isaid LIKE)
3. Made out on the couch while I tried to F her, but god denied cuz she's like "I don't think u can handle this!" Oh BTW broad is skinny (by my standards) prolly weighs a between a buck 110 and a buck twenny.
So after she said this I laughed in her face and said "ME?? Not Handle YOU????!! Ahha funniest thing I've ever heard! " Then I was like "cmon we should just get it over with...cuz i know u like me" then she's like "yeah I'm human I'm attracted to you!" I'm like woooowww this broad is soooooo sleazy!! Then I was like "ok then, then I grabbed her and tried to pull off her pants hahahah...yeah that wasn't the best thing to do..but anyway it should be well noted...this chic isn't that good lookin and I told my friends I wouldn't fuck her sober...I prolly would drunk tho" ahahaha so damn true tooo! Also its good I actually DIDN'T fuck her cuz my ass was fresh out da jimmy caps, and if did, I woulda tapped dat ass raw dog like DMX. Then my dick would feel like someone poured battery acid on it, and would have an unknown unheard of new STD that would have to be named after me "B.O.N.E.S" (Better Off Not Erect Syndrome) meaning every time your ass gets an erection, feels like your dicks on fire..but if u not erect u all good. Yeah but I went to bed like 430, 5am!? And its SUNDAY and I had work at 8am. Awesome...I woke up at 9am...look @ my watch "No fucking way!!!!!!!" I jumped outta bed faster than Tony the Tiger on meth!!! Which reminds me...I don't think he was eating frosted flakes....he was SNORTING frosted LINES! Or maybe the "frosted flakes" was really coke covered flakes. So yeah I get to work like almost 2 hours late!! We don't actually do work for the first 2 hours anyway...so it wasn't that big of a deal. U know I just space out for a good hour and half anyway....I'd say in any given day I do probably about 10 mins of good solid hard work! So that entire day I felt like 2 trains collided into me and took about 7 diarrhea dumps....my toilet was gettin more ass then a gay night club! Also when I got home that day...she was already wasted!!! She was "tryin" to show me how to cook pork on a charcoal grill. I don't think its the best idea to be drunk...and using lighter fluid, and fire. We have a porch outside and its WOODEN!! She was adding lighter fluid to the fucking already lit coals and flames would JUMP into the air right next to the wood!! She's tellin me not to worry cuz she's been doing this for years. I'm like okay if u say so. But really in the end she cooked some tasty ass honey mustered flavored pork!!! Hella props for the alcoholic broad who can cook drunk!! So after we ate I layed down and started to blog THIS very story u are reading right now!!!! Holy christ. My weekend was anything short of insane!! This is just blog one....I'm sure ill have more. But what I'm thinking of doing, is creating a twitter account called "ShitMyRoommateSays" kinda like this one guy who tweets what his dad says, and he calls it "ShitMyDadSays" its actually funny as fuck! Its this guy who's like 27, and his dad is really old..like late 60s early 70s and his dad lives with him. So every time he says something funny, he posts the quote on his twitter! So there u have it....oh I'm sorry need to mention a few things....remember in the beginning I stated she helps people in the hospital and tries to save lives!??? Would u REALLY want this crazy ass broad be the one to help you when u can't breathe or about to die!!!!????? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! That's y she lives in FL. Oh and in case your wondering y the fuck would someone like this who makes prob a lot of money live in an apartment and need a roommate??! Hahaha get ready...cuz I have this covered. And when I found out...it didn't surprise me in the LEAST!!! But still pretty fucked up. This is why:

* She had a DUI not long ago
* She is paying off student loans
* She is seeing a Psychiatrist
* Needs to pay for AA and a drug to help her quit smoking

I fucking shit u not this is the person I live with. Now let me leave you with a quote...or a TEXT, rather, she sent me LAST night!!! (Straight copy n paste)

"well get some sleep. its late. I kinda want to snuggle with u. Thats fucken weird, Right!" -Robyn

What the FUCK!?!!! Alrighty I'm done with this blog....so get @ me with your input/comments hahahah PZ Out Bloggers!!!

1 comment:

  1. Dude this is the funniest shit I ever read. So you gone make her ur baby momma? hahahah!!!-chilly willy