Ok so now that you have an understanding of who my roommate is, I can just go into my story without any explanation cuz Santa Clause says it best "Hoe Hoe Hoe" So last night was some pretty random fucking shit. Lemme start off by saying this broad wants my dick but for some reason doesn't wanna fuck me...cuz I'm not her "boyfriend"...but ill get into that later...so sketch that down on your pad if your takin notes. So we agreed to do something the other night for friday night, but didn't know what yet. But before I get into THAT I'm gunna start off by telling you about my job....and what happened to me Thursday morning.
If you don't know, I work at SunTrust bank in orlando thats actually a call center type of place...but I work in the IT area and don't answer calls. My job is to move bank branch's network drives from one server to another, and start back ups on the server before it gets moved. I've been there for LESS then a month. The reason me and another guy where hired is because 2 guys before us fucked up majorly by saying they did work but really didn't do shit for an entire month. So I came into this job...1 month behind. When I found THIS out I'm like r u fucking serious!!?? 2 guys fucked everything up now 2 other guys have to clean up this shit!? Hmmm sounds familiar right!? Let me put this into perspective..kinda like how bush n chainy fucked up 8 years, now Obama and Biden gotta come into the game and suppose to clean up all that shit, that's almost impossible to fix in the amount of time that's expected!?? Yeah right. Obama been pres for one year and ppl expect fucking miracles...fuck you to ppl who think he's suppose to have everything fixed. Same thing here....I've been there for only 3 weeks and they expect to have massive results when we are 4+ weeks behind from day 1!!!! So I walk in the door thursday. Sit down and tryin to get ready for the day by logging in and getting ready to start work. (Btw...my "boss" has been there for 20 mins already...just note that) Then I get a call from the company that I'm contracted through. Ill give you the convo below:
Stupid Ass Broad: I'm lookin for scott?
Me: yeah that's me
SAB: this is christy from insight global (company that pays me) umm...I tried calling you yesterday but....are u at work now?
Me: uuhh yeah y?
SAB: oh have you talked to your manager yet!?
Me: um no....what for?
SAB: well they have decided to let you go
Me: .................what!?? What for!!?
SAB: well its best you talk to your manager about this but yesterday was suppose to be your last day but I couldn't contact you, but they feel its not working out the way they planed
Me: ..................are you serious!?? This makes absolute no sense. But okay..
SAB: well just talk to your manager then call me back okay?
Me: uuhhhmm wow...um uh okay.
So I get off the phone and am like amazed by what just happened so I took a few mins to collect myself and shit before I would go to my manager. Then my phones rings AGAIN....
Me: (noticing its the same broad again) yes?
(I shit u not this is what was said to me)
SAB: yeah so don't talk to your manager its best you just walk up out of your cubical and leave the site. Don't worry about saying goodbye to anyone just get up and leave the premises, and once you have left the site please give me a call back.
Me: (like 10 second silence) wow...*deep sigh* I was half chuckling cuz I couldn't believe what was being told to me. Then I tell this bitch "umm yeah whatever, sure" then hung up.
So then I'm like...this is some BULL SHEEEEIT!!! So I went over to my manager and was like "yeah so I just got off the phone with insight global and they letting me go?! What's the deal?!"
Guy gets up out of his chair..."yeah unfortunately...I just found this out last night @ like 930" *silience* ummm okay....y? Is it cuz I was late that one day? I've only been here like 3 weeks...
"Well I don't really know but I have to call some people to really find out y, but Eric (a guy I NEVER met, and signs off on my time sheets) said that it wasn't working the way he hoped." I'm like "that means nothing to me....is it because I've been a little bit behind tryin to catch up!?" He's like "no no the work quantity wasn't y either" me and him just had the most awkward silence ever cuz this fuck wouldn't tell me shit. I even flat out said "look I don't care what the reason was...I would just like to know y personally I was let go..that's all" guy didn't give me any answer just said "ill give u a call later on and find out" so then I'm like okay then......then rolled out like OJ in his bronco.
Ok so now that I don't have a job I'm in a worse situation the vanilla ice and MC hammer in the mid to late 90s!! May I remind you that I JUST moved into a new place, now I don't have a fucking job!??!! How am I gunna pay rent!!??? Well sir...ill get to that in a few...cuz I'm more pimpin then Kat Williams in the movie Friday After Next. So Friday I chill with my roommate robyn, earlier in the day she was talkin about her 16 year old niece and her friend coming over. I didn't really know why the fuck they where coming over but I'm just like ummm okay....so when she was ready to pick them up, she texted me..."hey I'm on my way home u want me to pick u up anything?" I told her I was good n didn't need anything, and thanked her. She comes home and was like "hey scott!" I'm like "yeah wuts up" I go into the kitchen and this broad had bought me a 6 pack of Yuengling Beer!! Cuz she knew I liked it, since its what I drank when I was @ the bar with her last weekend. I'm like "oh wow! U didn't have to do that...but thanks!" But it gets even better...she has a half bottle of fucking captain morgan...and she's complaining she got it from a friend and its only half a bottle!!! I'm like "hey its better then NOTHING right?! Plus it was free!!" And this broad starts pouring herself a captain and coke while these 2 16 year old broads r here. So we where going to a comedy club, an improve like "who's line is it anyway". She then asks me "who's car are we taking?" I'm like "not mine cuz its more of a mess then tara reid on any given day". The 16 year old whore cunts where going to stay at our place while we went out. All I said to these girls was "hey if anything is missing from my room...its gunna look like Friday the 13th up in here!" Blank stare....umm.... "So.. its gunna look like hanah montana in the movie saw!?" Yeah that got their attention. So we both left....with beers. Yuengling. Let's hope we don't get stopped by douche bag cop like in Harold n Kumar. Alright by now we r on the road and the comedy place starts @ 10...its now 1015. We get there like 11 cuz couldn't find the fuckin place cuz it was magically put in the back lot of a main street so finding it was like tryin to find where's waldo in a fucking candy cane warehouse filled with zebra! So we walk in an hour late...and this room where they were performing in was probably the size of shaq's guest bathroom! I mean wow..but since we were an hour late, there was no cover. Thank ASS I didn't pay for the $10 cover because these guys were as funny as watching paint dry on a dead body. Like I think I'd rather set up a chair and watch a Rhino take a massive diarrhea on to Larry King's face as Robert Downy Jr snorts it all up!! I didn't even break a smile...I don't know if anyone remembers this show from back in the day called "Make Me Laugh" but a person would sit in a chair and they had comics come up to the person and say ANYTHING they wanted to make the person laugh within the amount of time given, and if the person DIDN'T laugh they would win prize money. If these terrible comics where on that show I would have won everything. We were at the place for about 30 mins. I didn't order any drinks, but this chic ordered 2 beers and a rum and coke!! I'm thinking to myself jesus christ this broad doesn't fuck around. I just didn't want to waste money at a place that sucked more ass then a gay leprechaun at a richard simmons convention! We left in the middle of the show and the broad was more tipsy then Lindsey Lohan after doing meth off of Tom Selleck's chest. So she gave me the keys to her raggaty ass fuck hole of a ride, which would make Xzibit cringe! So me more sober then the pope took a journey back having HER tell me directions because my ass had to fucking clue where I was. During this process I asked her what bar we could go to since I didn't wanna go home. So she informed me on how to get to this one place that was near where we lived. While driving there this broad was grabbin my dick and kissing up on my neck like a hooker who just met Justin Timberlake! I'm like "whoa settle down I gotta drive...u don't want us to crash into a fucking pole do yah!?" Her reply to this was....wait for it....wait for it.... "No, but you are wearing AXE and it makes me so fucking wet!" I just started to laugh, but how do u you even respond to this!!??! I think I said something like "I know have this effect on everyone, I can't help it" So as we are pulling into this bar I'm asking her what type of place it is. Well maybe ill explain it a little better. If larry the cable guy were to own his own small time bar....this place would be it! Not a single person of the darker skin race was present. I saw more t shirts and trucker hats then at the daytona 500! So we go over and order drinks...keep in mind I'm looking DIRECTLY at the selections of vodka to choose from. I told the dumb ass broad bar tender "Let me get a double of Absolute Raspberry Vodka and sprite" ......she says "we don't have absolute, only three olives" I give her a confused face and started to point out the bottle right next to me. Also I should note that they didn't HAVE three olives raspberry, they had the cherry one! But anyway this bitch is like "oh yeah sorry" and made me the drink. Three-O is a really good vodka but since I had this @ home I'd wanna switch it up. I don't know what land this bar tender came from, but pouring the SAME fuckin amount of vodka as a regular into a bigger fucking glass...doesn't make it a DOUBLE!!! The glass was filled with ice to the rim! Maybe if a said "make it a quadrouple" I would have gotten a REAL double. Anyway, I ordered that and a bucket of miller lite for the chic. I know for this scenario I couldn't drink fucking LIGHT beer! So we went to play pool, and I shit u not the pool balls looked like they where from 1946, while the pool table needed to be refelted 20 years ago! So I seriously downed my drink as I looked for pool cues. ALL but ONE looked like Paris Hilton had used them for personal dildos!!! I'm like jesus fuck!?? When was the last time anyone maintained these things!? Was Thomas Jefferson still in office!?? Did people have to use powder from their wigs as chalk!?? At least they HAD powder there for your hands. So yet again I let her play "let's shoot the ball and what ever goes in counts" while I played actual pool. I think I had about 3 "doubles", yet I wasn't even CLOSE to drunk. Which was good cuz I would be driving home. So 2am rolls around and we leave the bar and get in her car. She starts talking about something and I can't even understand her cuz she sounds worse then ozzie Osborne if he were def! I do the smile and nod...then all of a sudden she jumps over then console onto my lap! Good fuck! I guess I had no choice. She wanted to fuck me right here! So she's on my lap as she's all over me like white on coke. I had to literally THROW her over to the passengers side! I'm like hey we gotta get outta here, look there is a cop car right over there! Which there actually was. Then I turned on the car and left the premise...and we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex.....
****Warning: Next Part Gets Pretty Graphic*****
Again she jumps over then console starts makin out with me and says "I wanna fuck you right now scott" I'm like alright let's go inside. She then throws the seat down and said "oh yes...pull my fucking hair and bite my neck" she started to BITE MY neck!!! I'm like "waoh!!! Hold on I'm not into that type of shit!!! What the fuck you think this is!?? Twilight!??" I'm thinkin alright we gotta get out the whip Cuz I'm not 16 and gunna make out in a goddamn car!! Fuck that noise with a horse shoe! So we got out and went into the crib. Remember those 16 year girls? Yeah they are still there. So I go into my room and just plop into bed. Not 10 mins goes by and she comes into my room and jumps on me yet AGAIN!!! At this point she had me wild'n out worse then a bronco at a rodeo! I was gunna fuck her but she says something that would have fall out your chair: "no, I can't fuck you cuz I'm drunk, and I can't get off when I'm drunk". I wanted to slam my head against the wall....I'm not really sure what happened after that but I somehow woke up in HER bed @ 6am. I'm like "what the fuck!!?!" Her ass was out like a hibernating bear, so I went back into my room, took a piss and went to MY bed. Broad wakes me up with a text message at around 1230pm. So she had already taken those chics back home and told me to come into her room. I got a drink then looked over in her room. She starts laughing.....I'm sorry did chris rock just start talkin about "black people and niggaz"!?? I'm confused. So I walk in and sit on her bed. "I need some dick" wow ....okay...so broad start grabbin my shit...and makin out and I had to rethink the scenario...and said "yeah I don't have any rubbers"..... now you probably wanna picture that part in Road Trip where the skinny kid is about fuck that huge black chic.... she tells me "so? I have some in my drawer over here, as a sexually active girl I'm always prepared" I open up the drawer and sure enough yes indeed......................***edited for content***................. Let's just assume that what I DIDN'T say u DON'T want to hear... TRUST ME on this!! All I know was it was prob the worse lay ever and had to take a 45 min shower afterwards. Remember in ghostbusters II everyone is covered in pink slime? That's how I FELT.
On the brighter side of life, she had to go to "work" later in the day and got to play MW2 @ night with friends and scream at 5 year olds while they curse @ me telling me "you got owned". Who let's their small young kids play fuckin war games!!?? If the government enforced video game ratings like they did with alcohol, america wouldn't be fucked up. Wait..never mind, yes it would....what was I THINKING!??? All I'm saying is don't sell a fuckin M rated game to a parent who's kid is right there!!! That's like having an adult walking into a bar with a young teen and the adult ordering what ever the teen says he wanted while the bar tender is right there, then sells it to the adult...and the bar tender turning a blind eye knowing its for the teen! Good job america! Anyway ima end this long ass fucking BOOK with a quote like usual. So here you go!!! Let's end this blog like The Sopran-
"Don't get upset if I find a boyfriend" -Robyn
Ahaahaah wooowww! First off, good fucking luck!!! Second off....hahahahaha yeah RIGHT!!!!