Monday, February 15, 2010

Blue Magic

I'm chillin in my warm bed writtin this on my blackberry. I usually think of most of my shit while I'm on my bed rockin da berry. So bitch, BlackBerry should fucking be payin ME to write these blogs or at least gimme a blackberry for free! Shit, I might as well go up to canada (where RIM is located) and the convo with corp. cat would go like the following:

Me: cmon man hook me up!!
CEO: hook u up? Fuck outta here!
Me: man, I got these blogs mayn! Good blogs!
CEO: I got REAL writers for that, so if u aint a professional wit experience then u assed out!
Me: then fuck u bruh, is it cuz I fucked your wife!?
CEO: fuck u just said!?
Me: *gun at guys head* you heard me, and I ate her asshole out like a box of gadiva chocolates! Her shit tasted like a fuckin king size kit kat!! Oh and by the way I broke her off a piece of dat....piece of dat dick! Now gimme dat prototype BlackBerry Storm 3 that u got in your pocket son! Thanks!

Alright let's get this blog poppin faster then a virgin fucking on prom night! So this blog is gunna be the night before the superbowl and the day of the superbowl. You know, that weekend u don't remember much cuz you're more trashed then a drunk gremlin! Yeah so its Saturday night and I wasn't really expecting to go out cuz I was chillin in my room killing 5 year olds in Call of Duty. I get all hyped I'm cap'n these fuckers left n right, then at the end of the game I hear their voices and then I get the feeling of when u get a blow job from a chic when your drunk, then afterwards she's like "yea so I'm really a dude" you just don't know what to say. Maybe in both situations you could say "yeah, you sucked". Anyhow I get a knock on my door "hey!! Stop playin your game and come here". I hope she's not gunna tell me she has aids! She tells me to get dressed cuz we were gunna go out to a bar with a few of her friends. I'm like yes!! I can meet her friends! (Please make yourself aware of this part) Awesomeness! So I jumped out my chair faster then if black people were to find out a place is giving away FREE chicken wings n orange soda. I got all dressed up and put on some of the finest fragrance...AXE Body Spray, for MEN! (Funny they call it "for men" because I would have definitely thought that a body spray in a black bottle located in the mens area was SURLY for woman. Thanks for clearing that up, AXE) Now I'm pumped up and ready to head out the door. I asked where we were going, and again some fuck hole place I never heard of. So we get in her whip and I asked who all is gunna be there. The next few names she said, agreed with me about the same as if someone told me I was going to a Clay Aiken concert. She gave me 3 GUY names!!! At this point I think I would rather be FUCKED by clay aiken back stage while jerking off Carrot Top!! There go my chances of meeting female ass!! Of CORSE she has only has guy friends, cuz she's a fucking crazy whore that would fuck a leprechaun with a 3" green cock! Oh yeah if you don't live in FL, bars don't sit by themselves in an area, they are in shopping center complexes, so after u get your food shopping done and get a hair cut, u can walk next door and pick up a slore at the bar! This concept always blew my mind when I moved here. They should sorta combine the two...a barber shop and a strip while your getting a haircut, have the barber make u a drink, then have a broad come up and give u a lap dance! The fuck else u gotta do when getting your haircut! Nothin! So u might as well get yur dick hard, and have a drink! Plus the barber gets a better tip cuz he made u a drink, the topless broad gets washingtons....and u getting a haircut and your dick hard!! Its a WIN, WIN, WIN scenario!!! Best idea ever! Hey, if I see one of these pop up in the next year, I'm huntin YOU down sir!! Ok back to my story. We walk inside the bar, and I actually thought we just walked into a small pizzeria. I wanted to ask the bartender for an italian sub! There was booth tables like u would see at a McDonalds, or small eatery. So imagine a place like that packed to fuck with ppl sitting and standing. Yeah so she finds her guy friends and asks me what pitcher of beer I wanted. They didn't have yuengling for some reason, so I drank the anal liquid from a beavers ass called "bud light" after drinking only one, I'm like fuck this ass water! Went up to the bar tender and got a long island double. We sat down at the small bar on the reverse side of the real bar. I pretty much kept quite since I had no fuckin clue who these clowns were. Did I mention they had karaoke there? No? Well I was in for a big fuck in the face sideways with what I was about to hear. This nasty fat ugly troll whore gets on stage and starts signing the WORST rendition of Alanis Morrissettes "You Outta Know" (if that song wasn't bad enough to begin with) imagine Chewbacca trying to sing...yeah that's what I was witnessing. I was hoping there was forks/silverware present so I could jam them as hard as I could in my ears til I bled to death internally. Thank fuck no one sang after that! I think everyone was too busy vomiting and clearing the shit stains out of their ears. Shortly after that we all left because her friend wanted to find this bartender. her GUY friend wanted to find a GUY bar tender! I'm like ummmm okay!!??? So we left and went down the street to the next place. Apparently this guy bartender hooks him up. I don't know maybe a quicky or a blow job in the back!? Well whatever I couldn't care less. So we get inside and i told the LADY bar tender "1 long island please" I tunred my back as she made it, then turned back around and saw a BLUE drink in front of me. She's like "there u go" I picked up the glass and said "hey lady, did a smurf CUM in my glass!?? The fuck is this!?" I kid u not that's what I said cuz I was kinda tipsy. Broad looks at me confused "u ordered a blue long island" I'm like "uhhhhhhhhh no I didn't, I said ONE long island" then she's like ill make u another one if u want...I told her na don't worry about I took the glass over with me to where everyone was sitting outside. Yeah I looked reaallly gay walkin around with a fucking BLUE drink!! Red flag to all woman "heeeeeeeyyyyy look at me, I'm sthooper gay!" At any rate I started shooting the shit and drinking this drink and i ordered another REGULAR long island. I got kinda fucked up cuz I don't remember anything, I think I almost past out in robyn's car. BTW, this other one guy was in her car too, and he spent the night. I came home and ASSED out on my bed. I woke up like fucking 12pm to a text "wake the fuck up man, its superbowl sunday!!" By Robyn. My head felt like it was shoved up a pigs ass while it got run over by a tank. I took a sip of ib profin (meaning however many pills came out the bottle is what I took) This is where my story ends. Nothing happened on superbowl sunday, went to her friends house, I got semi drunk and passed out on the dudes couch for the game. But I did want to point out one scenario during that is that short short story:

I had like 3 drinks of rum n coke n had to take a piss. I asked the dude where his bathroom was, and he's like "right down the hallway". I walked into the dudes bathroom and noticed his toilet was BLUE!! Im like uhhhh...okay? Never seen this before. Took my piss flushed the toilet, then washed my hands and noticed he didn't have any soap..I look around...and there was a big plastic see thru box with pink liquid soap in it hanging on the wall!! Just like in a public bathroom! Get the fuck outta here..I step back, and the dude also has the paper towel bin hanging on the wall as well!!! So I washed my hands and dried my them, like I would ina public bathroom. So now I'm thinkin y doesn't he just get a urinal installed! All he needs now is the homeless man in there handing out paper towels, mints, and cologne! I went back out and was like " yeh...what's with the soap dispenser and paper towel dispenser dude!?!" Get ready....3...2...1 "oh yeah that, hah, I wanted my bathroom to look like an authentic place just like a bar...I also have the neon beer sign there too see?" So I just gave him the Jim Halpert blank stare. And was like "interesting to say the least" Why the HELL would ANYONE wanna do that?!! fucking dumbest thing i ever saw in my life! Thats like having a shitty 13" TV, a 1985 telephone, a coffee maker, a bible and a mini fridge in your personal ROOM to look like a shitty motel room! WTF cmon SERIOUSLY!?

Another interesting event occurred the other night. Ill add it in now what the fuck! So this slore comes home with a guy a few nights ago. It was like 130am.
I could tell she was tispy or drunk cuz the way she was laughing. I was in my room minding my bidniss. I never left my room nor did I see who he was and I really didn't care either. I was watching a movie w head phones so I didn't want to over hear anything..... if u know what I mean! I hear a bunch of thunking and voices...I take off my headphones...and I hear the broad say "so r we gunna have sex!?" Wow the second I take off my headphones! Awesome not really...I was being sarcastic! I'm like awwww fuck. But some part of me at that point just wanted to walk out and just say without introducing myself "ahhhh alrighty so when are getting this 3-way started" just to FUCK with who ever that cat was!! But I didnt so I put my headset back on cuz I'm not a sick fuck who would want to listen to someone else fucking..especially THIS broad!!! Then as time goes by I hear "I want your COCK slammed in my shitter you dirty fuck!!! I want u to literally FUCK THE SHIT out of me!!!" ....................actually that woulda been nastyand funny as hell at the same time if I actually heard that! But no I didn't hear anything...props to SONY for the noise canceling headset I was rocking! One last thing should be noted before I bounce...I went into this broads room when she was at work, and get ready for to her night stand by her bed....was a fucking WRENCH!!!! What in the WHORE was she using the wrench for!!??? Did this guy like getting his nuts viced? Does she masterbate with it!? I know, she shoved one end in her twat and the other end in the guys asshole and they double fucked each other! Yeah I wasn't gunna touch that shit cuz I would prolly get gonorrhea from just touching it...christ I may get OXY-AIDS ! What's OXY-AIDS? That's when u find out u have aids by just breathing the oxygen in the presents of another person who does have aids, then u die 2 weeks later!

That will to it for this edition of my blog..stay tuned next week ill have mo, Fo sho'! And here is your moment of ZEN:

Me: you have off work tomorrow right?
Robyn: heeeellll yeah!! Getting drunk and fuuuuucked up!!!
Me: (thinking to myself) wow umm so where can I point this broad in the direction of (CABAA, no not the blood code for mortal kombat on sega) Crazy Ass Broads for Alcoholics Anonymous!?

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