Friday, February 12, 2010

Leather Vest

Ok so id like to thank the cats who have been keepin up with my blog for the past few weeks. This blog is going to be about this one night i went out. IVe been saving this one up mainly cuz i didnt know how to put this shit into words. But i think im ready to post a new BLOG.....oh oh...if your at work READING this....u might want to read this via your celly phone. The stuff here is PRETTY explicit, as you already know.

OK so lets start off a week before the superbowl, since i couldnt give 3 Ron Jeremy COCKS about football or even the Superbowl. So me and Robyn went to some ASSHOLE in the wall of a bar. It was like 10pm and we where both just sittin around watching TV..and i was prolly gunna pass out like "The Guy on the Couch" in the movie Half Baked. Then outta nowhere she is like "hey lets go out and do something". Im PRETTY sure it was a fucking thursday or wednesday, i forget...but it was a random fucking night. I look at my watch...and was like "well, lets go to a place that doesnt have POOL tables that Washington and Jefferson played on to settle score between two hookers they ordered." So shes like well we can go to this place called "SportsTown" they have good tables there. Again I dont know this area of orlando too well, so i was down for whatever. I should have done research on bars before moving here, because THIS place....was...well..i dont wanna spoil the fun. Before we left we took a "shot" of Jager. i poured them, so it was REALLY like TWO shots into a small glass. shes like "jesus christ thats more then a shot" im like "BITCH, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and DOWN the shit LIKE YOU DOWNED MY COCK, u SLORE!" .....nah i didnt say that...but i just told her to shut up and down it. So when we get there, she walks in first, and im looking at this thinkin to myself...WOW a RETRO BAR...1985 came in and made a BAR! (should be noted this WASNT a retro bar) oh i must point out there was one BLACK guy there. Im like phew...i can fit in now. We walked to the bar and the tender asked me what i wanted. I shit u not cat gives me a MENU....OF FUCKING BEER! I wasnt feelin beer so i was like "yeah lemme get a Long island" dude looks at me like i raped his mother witha wrench. " we dont serve liquor here, only BEER!" Then my JAW dropped like HE just got done raping MY mother....with a BASEBALL BAT! i had to collect myself of this asinine shit. Let me just point this out better.....thats like walking into ATT and wanting a cell phone....then the sales rep says "yeah so THIS store only has Pagers" WHo the FUCK wants THAT SHIT?!!?! u go to a BAR to get FUCKED UP! i dont wanna drink BEER at a goddamn BAR cuz i dont get DRUNK off it! Well jokes on me cuz my ass was more fucked outta luck then Ja Rules rap career. So my Beer of choice all night was yuengling and Heineken. I told the tender "ill have a Heineken"....again...i dont know WHERE these FUCKS get thier BAR tending licenses...guys like "bottled?" PREEEETY sure an IMPORT beer isnt on im like "oh u got it on tap?!" then this fuck is like "uhh no just bottled" ...............THE FUCK!!!!!!! are u KIDDING ME?!!? Then why the ASS would u fucking ASK me if i wanted it BOTTLED when u dont have it on tap u DUMB STUPID ASS FUCK!? So we get the balls and play for a while. The tables where actually decent. They looked like maybe the last people to play was Obama and Clinton over which fat white chick they wanted to fuck first. Like everyone drinking beer u gotta take a piss....but i couldnt find the restroom. I asked the bartender "its right there on the right where u came in" i look at the door "BOYS" well i hope they didnt let Michael Jackson here...(aww cmon too soon?!) I walk into this "facility" im like WOW...ok lets say it looked like your buddys bathroom in his shitty apt. if his SHOWER where a STALL, and his toilet was a PISSER! I was really debating to just piss on the floor, or maybe the sink...but yeah there was no lock on the door. BTW the door looked like an over sized saloon door. it should also be noted that there WAS NO FUCKING SOAP NOR TOWELS! I hope the bar tender doesnt take a piss or a shit! After playin pool there was a SKEE BALL machine there....hmm maybe they DID make this place for michael jackson...80s lookin, mens room says "boys" skee ball....maybe i should have asked for "Jesus Juice" Im like WOWW i havent played skeeball since....Show Biz Pizza! yeah THATS right..SHOW BIZ PIZZA! the machine even gave tickets. im like tickets? i didnt see a PRIZE area! i whooped her ass in skeeball and i HAVENT PLAYED since i was like 8! i got like 10 tickets, so i asked her what we needs these for? shes like "well put your phone number on the back and they put u into a drawing where u can win $50 to $100 if they call you up" i couldnt care less really. by now its like 145am and i was gunna get the tab, so we went over to the bar and sat down and this chic is wasted, but STILL keeps ordering drinks. 2am rolls around and i asked for my tab. chic ordered THREE drinks then closed her shit out. im like yeah its 2 they gotta close. I gave the bar tender my card, he asks me "debit or credit" thats odd...i never been asked this before at ANY bar...then again i forgot this is fat kid with downs syndrome of bars. Im like "uhh...y? does it matter?" cats like "we charge a 1.25 for using credit cards, so u wanna do debit?" Im now learning what bars to NEVER EVER EVER go back to EVER. I think i would have rather got drunk and watched The Notebook while getting head from Andy Dick. Regardless, the tender asked me if i wanted the TIP on the card as well. Im like yeah add $10 to the total. so i had to put in my PIN with the TIP! Most craziest shit ive ever heard of...WTF is this WALMART?! SO i payed the man, and sat back down to finsihed the drinks. its now like 220, and the woman bar tender...who looked like a FAT Kathy Bates...yeah so that means she looked like Kathy Bates X2...comes over and tell Robyn to leave, im already outta my seat tryin to get this broad outta here. We finally left, and i had to drive her car yet again. Here is where the story takes an M Night Shamalan...245am pull into the parking lot...girl drunk as shit...wants to fuck me or go inside, right? be more incorrect then when getting the FIRST question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. These 3 guys are out by an open trunk of a car so im thinkin cats are dealin something. We get closer and one of dudes is SITTING in a LAWN chair, one has a DOG, and the OTHER has a BOTTLE OF Liquor. TAIL GATING AT FUCKING 3am!?!! In a parking lot of an apartment complex?!?! People from the south must do LOTS AND LOTS of fucking METH then reproduce. SO this broad wants to meet these cats im like "uhhh..what?! its 3am! u dont even know these dudes!" i park the car she JUMPS out and goes over and introduced herself. Now i got a better look at these dudes...i introduced myself. The dude sitting IN A LAWN CHAIR...was...wearing...WOWW..a LEATHER VEST! grandmaster flash was like 30 years ago bruh. I dont know maybe these cats came back from a village people bar, and he forgot to dress back into regular clothes. So these dudes where just chillin shootin the shit. these cats were drinking and passin around a bottle of Captain Morgans Parrot Bay. Im actually sober and didnt wanna get drunk, and REALLY didnt wanna drink outta the bottle these fucks were drinking from...cuz herpes is a nasty disease. The one guy with the DOG was from upstate NY, one cat was from GA, and the guy with the leather vest...well i dont know cuz he was chilling in his LAWN CHAIR!! The guy from GA had a southern accent and sounded like Larry the cable guy high on coke. This guy was prob no more then a buck fitty. (English: This person weighed no more then 150lbs) He started talking about some random shit that i didnt give a fuck about. Watching my COCK get smaller would prob be more interesting then this dude. SO everyone including Robyn was passing around that bottle of parrot bay. The dude with he dog kept making fun of his friends, which he was pretty funny, dude had a come back every stupid ass thing his boys said. At a certain point of the night the skinny fuck wanted me to PUNCH him in the FACE! Yeah he was one of those white people who gets DRUNK and wants to start fights for no REASON what SO EVER. I just cant understand white people. (yes im white, but these people fucking blow my mind, why they wanna start fucking fights, is beyond me) I told him i didnt wanna start any bull shit. he called me a pussy. im like "look bro i dont know u, plus i dont wanna start anything" so then he asks Robyn to punch him...she was like "are u serious?" he like yeah punch me. So she punched him in the arm then the chest. Then this ass clown wanted her to punch him in the face. WOW what i witnessed next was like watching a replay in SLOW mo of Ron Artest punching this cat in the bleachers in that pacers game! She punched him AS HARD as she could STRAIGHT in his JAW fucking 4-5 TIMEs!! im like "OOOOOHHHHHHH SNAAAAAAP!!!!!" (if your unfamiliar about such events, read this under "Pacers–Pistons brawl") This mother fucker fell to the ground harder then DEEBO in FRIDAY!! "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUUUUUCK OUT!" so after a few moments this cat got up and started to WRESTLE this broad!! yes WRESTLE!!!! on the ground of fucking BLACKTOP!! im just thinking to myself "yo man, white people are CRAZZY!" so this broad and this cat are doing whatever and she starts going toward our apt. its like fucking 430am! So the guy with the dog and I start going over to them saying " we gotta get going, its pretty late and i gotta work tomorrow" This broad starts SCREAMING at me SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DONT HAVE A JOB ASSHOLE!" (since she was drunk i was HOPING she wouldnt remember) So my mans with the dog, (oh i forgot it was a small dog like 3 feet long tops) started telling his boy that its time to peace out. My room mate started inviting this dude up to our PLACE!!! im like "WOAH WOAH, nah, we gotta get going now....." broad starts PISSING at me worse then an episode of Real World in the 90s. SO my boy with the dog gets his friend up and i get Robyn up, and she RUNS as FAST as she can to our apt. TOTALLY pissed. I gave my respects to the cat who was trying to get his boy outta there, and went up to the apt. I open the door, and this bitch starts SCREAMING at the top of her lungs "Whats the FUCK is your PROBLEM you fucking COCK BLOCKER!!!" i had to think of something REALLY i said "wow, really? you dont even KNOW that dude, and i DONT know that dude, y the FUCK are u inviting him to the crib?!!" shes like "i can take care of myself, DONT FUCKING tell me WHAT i can and CANT do ASSHOLE!" since im sober i can think of a come back.... "well WTF i HAVE NO IDEA who he is, plus YOU dont either, and i dont want someone i DONT know up in here, If you knew him i wouldnt care, but u DONT, so IM looking out for BOTH of us here!" that shut the bitch up faster then a virgin getting his dick sucked for the first time. Then i went into my room and just chilled on my bed. Since this broad is more crazy then Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, i hear this broad throwing shit against the WALL and screaming really loud. Im like wow..does DICK that BAD get u THAT much upset the u have to throw a FIt!? His dick was porb only 3". Bitch i coulda layed the cock to you but i wont, since your shit is worse then fucking a DEAD FISH in the middle of August! (go ahead and vomit here, or at least get yourself together) SO i closed my door and fell the fuck asleep cuz i didnt wanna deal with this dumb fucking bitch anymore. Then i wake up to text message around 12pm saying "im sorry for treating you like i did, u didn't deserve that" ....i was surprised as fuck that she even REMEMBERED what she even SAID! cuz i know if i was more trashed then Oscar the Grouch i wouldn't remember a fucking thing i said. SO i told her that she was acting a fool, and i was tryin to help her ass out cuz she didnt know that dude. So she proceeded to say that she could take care of herself and didnt need any help in the future. Im like "well whatever yo, next time shit like this goes down, im just be like whatever and not even pay attention to the bull shit that you pulled last night. But if a cat goes into my crib and wants to FIGHT..theres gunna be more problems then a 50 cent and Ja Rule Concert.

Well thats that, i still have WAY more stories to tell, but i didnt wanna put that into this blog cuz it would be like reading a book in chapters. Ill prob write the rest of this in a few days, cuz i know people dont like READING...ooh wow...READING holy shit!! i know READING is like KRYPTONIGHT to poeple in this age "OHHHHH NOOOO I CANT READ THISS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But if u actually CAN read then ill write my next blog in a few days. Well this is pretty much where i END my shit with a here is you're moment of ZEN:

"Well When you gotta go, you gotta go" -Walmart employee when i bought toilet paper.

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